Chong You know what we should invest in? An old age home for hippies. Cause, think about it, hippies have been around since the '60s, man, and now there isn't really a hip place for them to go anymore. So, you know, it would be a home where they could smoke all the dope they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know.
Oh yeah, we could call it "Laidback Manor".
HH Howie Hamburger Dude
Would you like to have a hamburger?
SS Sgt. Stedenko
The only way to catch a doper is when you yourself become a smoker. The surest way to make them bleed is when you bust their ass and steal their weed.
[talking to his plants]
Oh, good morning, my darling. Oh, your buds are getting so big. Soon, you'll need a training bra.
Chong Hey, how much money do we have now?
Chong Yeah, all together?
Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have $17,000,000!
Chong Really?
Oh, wait, well, um, 17, something. Who cares? We're rich, man.
SS Sgt. Stedenko
You know we cannot trust our own instincts, now I want you send this down to the analyzer and have it labbed. I'll take care of it.
SS Sgt. Stedenko
[talking to a lizard]
You... have beautiful eyes. Yes you do...
Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke, this shit happens.
Chong Hey, wait a minute, man. How come every time I do coke, you say that "every time you do coke" thing?
Yeah, real funny, man... so funny I forgot to laugh...
Chong Man, Sherlock Holmes does coke!
Hey, scratch my balls, man... anybody scratch my balls!
Chong Will you sell me some of that stuff, man?
HH Howie Hamburger Dude
I sell sea shells.
HH Howie Hamburger Dude
You're the guy from the hamburger train, right? Yeah, the hambur-
[sniffs]
Chong You know what I think we should invest in, man?
Chong A rest home for old hippies.
Chong Cause, man, you know, like, hippies have been around since the 60's man.
Chong You know, and there really isn't like a hip place for 'em to go when they get real old, you know.
Chong You know, how I see it, you know, it's like a regular rest home except you have all the dope you can smoke, you know, for these old people. They'd listen to all the music they want, you know.
Like we could call it: Laid Back Manor.
Chong Yeah! Hey, great. Yeah.
Chong Because, you know, I mean, like, what do people do when they get old? You know, they usually keep them stoned, laid-back.
Chong You know what I wanna do when I die, man?
Chong I'm gonna get cremated, man.
Chong Yeah. Then I wanna get my ashes put in a baggie, you know.
Chong Then I'm gonna have all my friends - we'll have a party and then everybody will smoke me. Mix it with some good shit, you know.
Remind me not to be one of your friends when you die.
Chong Hey, man, that dude looked kinda straight to be buying dope.
Hey, man, don't worry about it. I checked him out myself, man. He ain't a cop. I can smell cops a mile away, man. They smell like coffee and doughnuts.
We're rich. Hey, let's buy a villa in Costa Rica. That'd be great. We could just...
Chong I'm gonna get some more guitars.
Chong Yeah, I wanna get a Fender. No, I don't like Fenders, man. No, I'll get one anyway.
Let's get one of those big, white houses, man. You know, like, with a veranda, you know. With a porch. We'd be sitting out there sipping pina colonics, man.
Chong Pina colonics?
Chong What's that?
You know, they make them in a blender, man. You know.
Chong Oh, yeah.
Yeah. We'd have topless ladies, man. Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings. You know, buy a little island. We'll put two little chairs on a little hill, and every day at noon we'll go up there and all the natives will bow down to us and we'll throw them joints, you know. I like to help the little people, man. Like, that's important in life.
Those are the ugliest chicks I ever saw in my life.
Chong No kidding, man. But if they're so ugly, how come you were hitting on them?
I wasn't hitting on them, man.
Chong Well, that part about asking them if they were models, man.
I was trying to be nice, man.
Chong Models for Kal-Can dog food.
