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Chong: You know what we should invest in? An old age home for hippies. Cause, think about it, hippies have been around since the '60s, man, and now there isn't really a hip place for them to go anymore. So, you know, it would be a home where they could smoke all the dope they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know.
Cheech: Oh yeah, we could call it "Laidback Manor".
Howie Hamburger Dude: Would you like to have a hamburger?
Sgt. Stedenko: The only way to catch a doper is when you yourself become a smoker. The surest way to make them bleed is when you bust their ass and steal their weed.
Cheech: [talking to his plants] Oh, good morning, my darling. Oh, your buds are getting so big. Soon, you'll need a training bra.
Chong: Hey, how much money do we have now?
Cheech: All together?
Chong: Yeah, all together?
Cheech: Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have $17,000,000!
Chong: Really?
Cheech: Oh, wait, well, um, 17, something. Who cares? We're rich, man.
Sgt. Stedenko: You know we cannot trust our own instincts, now I want you send this down to the analyzer and have it labbed. I'll take care of it.
Sgt. Stedenko: [talking to a lizard] You... have beautiful eyes. Yes you do...
Cheech: Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke, this shit happens.
Chong: Hey, wait a minute, man. How come every time I do coke, you say that "every time you do coke" thing?
Cheech: Yeah, real funny, man... so funny I forgot to laugh...
Chong: Man, Sherlock Holmes does coke!
Cheech: Hey, scratch my balls, man... anybody scratch my balls!
Chong: Will you sell me some of that stuff, man?
Howie Hamburger Dude: I sell sea shells.
Howie Hamburger Dude: You're the guy from the hamburger train, right? Yeah, the hambur-
[sniffs]


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