2nd most-quoted character in My Cousin Vinny (1992): in 18 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Vincent LaGuardia Gambini (17), Judge Haller (3), Jim Trotter (2)
What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa What?
You look like a ****in' tourist.
Mona Lisa Me? What about you?
I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin' cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa Oh yeah, you blend.
Lisa How's your Chinese food?
You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa Yeah well what are you, a **** world traveler?
Is that a drip I hear?
Mona Lisa Yeah.
Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona Lisa So?
Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona Lisa Yeah!
Why didn't you turn it off?
Mona Lisa I did turn it off.
Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona Lisa Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
Mona Lisa Maybe it's broken!
Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona Lisa Yeah, that's it, it's broken.
You sure?
Mona Lisa I'm positive.
Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona Lisa I twisted it just right.
How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
In that case, how can you be sure THAT'S accurate?
Mona Lisa Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation!
"Dead-on balls accurate"?
Mona Lisa It's an industry term.
I guess the ****in' thing is broken!
Lisa What name did you tell him?
Jerry Gallo.
Lisa Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Yeah.
Lisa Think that was a smart move?
Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Lisa His name was in the papers all last week.
Yeah, I saw that.
Lisa But you didn't actually read the articles.
No
Lisa Too bad.
Why's that?
Lisa 'Cause he's dead.
What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Oh!
Mona Lisa Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear blue water... BAM! A ****IN' BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD! YOUR BRAINS ARE LAYIN' ON THE GROUND IN LITTLE BLOODY PIECES. Now, I ax ya. Would you give a **** what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?
Lisa What the **** is going on here, Vinny? You **** up this case or what?
I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to **** up a little.
Lisa A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.
Hey, Vincent Lamgini Gambini....
Lisa His name's JT.
JT...I believe you and Lise played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. Lemme see...This is a tough decision you're givin' me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmmp. Let me think... I could use a good ass kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
Over my dead body.
You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
In your dreams.
Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta yah, do I get the money?
If you kick the shit outta me,
Yeh,
-Then you get the money.
What happened? Rear-ended?
No, ah fell.
Oh. (Vinny does personal injury lawsuits). Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now, is...I get my ass kicked...OR, option B, I kick your ass, and collect the 200......I'm goin with option B. (takes his coat off) Kickin' your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
Uh, we gonna fight now?
Yeah, first let me see the money.
I have the money.
Alright, show it to me.
Ah can get it.
You can get it? Alright, go get it. Then we'll fight.
Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
My place.
Shit.
What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa I don't know.
You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa Well, yeah I am.
What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
And?
Mona Lisa Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
Mona Lisa Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
I told you why already.
Mona Lisa He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?
I got thirty **** minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the **** courthouse.
Lisa You **** shower, I'll get your **** suit.
Lisa Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?
Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa No, I hate him.
Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Do you two know each other?
Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Sit down Miss Vito.
Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Lisa That's a bullshit question.
Does that mean you can't answer it?
Lisa It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Lisa Nobody could answer that question!
Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Can you answer the question?
Lisa No, it's a trick question!
Why is it a trick question?
Watch this.
Lisa 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.
Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Lisa No! The defense is wrong!
Are you sure?
Lisa I'm positive.
How could you be so sure?
Lisa Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
This is your opinion?
Lisa It's a fact!
I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Lisa Would you like me to explain?
I would love to hear this!
So would I.
...
Lisa The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
And why not? What is positraction?
Lisa It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
Is that it?
Lisa No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
Lisa They were!
Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
You've been a lovely, lovely witness.
Lisa So what's your problem?
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Yeah.
Lisa You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you." Oh my God, what a **** nightmare!
Lisa I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.
Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.
Lisa What?
Nothin’, you stick out like a sore thumb around here.
Lisa Me? What about you?
I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin’ cowboy boots.
Lisa Oh, yeah, you blend.
What the hell was that all about back there?
Lisa I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry Callo!
What friends you got in the clerk’s office?
Lisa Your friend.
My friend?
Lisa Judge Malloy.
[pause] So what's your problem?
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Yeah.
Lisa You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all ya cases, but with somebody else's help. Right? You win case, after case, - and then afterwards, you have to go up to somebody and you have to say- "thank you"! Oh my God, what a ****in' nightmare!
