Judge Haller Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
V Vinny
[sitting down]
Your Honor, my clients...
Judge Haller Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
V Vinny
But he [points to bailiff] told me to sit here.
Judge Haller When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
...
Judge Haller What are you wearing?
Judge Haller What are you wearing?
V Vinny
[wearing a leather jacket]
Um, I'm wearing clothes.
V Vinny
[Judge stares ominously]
I... I don't get the question.
Judge Haller When you come into my court looking like you do. You not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.
V Vinny
I apologize, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
Judge Haller The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
V Vinny
Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine.
...
V Vinny
My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge Haller What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
V Vinny
No. I'm just trying to explain.
Judge Haller I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
V Vinny
Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Judge Haller Uh, Mr. Gambini?
Judge Haller [Motions for him to approach the bench]
All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
V Vinny
But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge Haller Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
...
Judge Haller The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
V Vinny
I think I get the point.
Judge Haller No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court.
Judge Haller Would you like to go for two counts.
Judge Haller Thank you.
C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
V Vinny
Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge Haller Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
Judge Haller I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Judge Haller Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Judge Haller You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
Judge Haller [Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
Judge Haller [drops the book before Vinny]
You willing to accept those terms?
V Vinny
Sure. No problem.
V Vinny
[quickly leafs through the book]
Just this? Ha ha.
V Vinny
Is it possible that the two utes...
Judge Haller ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Judge Haller Two what?
Judge Haller Uh... did you say "utes"?
Judge Haller What is a ute?
V Vinny
Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.
V Vinny
I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
Judge Haller Mr. Gambini?
Judge Haller Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Judge Haller Overruled.
V Vinny
Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Judge Haller Would you please answer the counselor's question?
V Vinny
Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller Do you two know each other?
V Vinny
Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Judge Haller Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Judge Haller Sit down Miss Vito.
Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
That's a bullshit question.
Does that mean you can't answer it?
It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Nobody could answer that question!
Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Judge Haller Can you answer the question?
No, it's a trick question!
Judge Haller Why is it a trick question?
'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.
V Vinny
Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
V Vinny
[Lisa examines the picture]
Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
No! The defense is wrong!
V Vinny
How could you be so sure?
Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge Haller This is your opinion?
V Vinny
I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Would you like me to explain?
V Vinny
I would love to hear this!
Judge Haller So would I.
...
The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
V Vinny
And why not? What is positraction?
It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
V Vinny
[the jury members nod, with murmurs of "yes," "that's right"]
Is that it?
No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
V Vinny
And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
V Vinny
Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
V Vinny
[kissing her hands]
You've been a lovely, lovely witness.
V Vinny
[Vinny is cross-examining Tipton]
Is it possible the two defendants...[Gives Haller a glance] entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... Then two different men drive up in a similar - [sees Tipton is already shaking his head] Don't shake ya head. I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now... [continues] Two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?
No. They didn't have enough time.
V Vinny
Well, how much time was they in the store?
V Vinny
Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?
V Vinny
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry. So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.
V Vinny
So you knew that. Uh, do you remember what ya had?
V Vinny
Eggs and grits. I like grits too. How do you like your grits? You like 'em regular, creamy or al dente?
[confused by the question]
Just regular, I guess.
V Vinny
Regular. Instant grits?
[chuckles]
No self-respectin’ Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.
V Vinny
[Walks over to Jury, as he prepares his next question]
So, Mr. Tipton. How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?
[Tipton falls silent for a moment. Lisa smiles excitedly, and the entire courtroom stares at Tipton apprehensively, realizing he’s been stumped] [nervously]
I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.
V Vinny
[Walks back over to Tipton]
I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you just say you're a fast cook, that’s it!? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen... than on any place on the face of the Earth!?
[faltering]
I don't know.
V Vinny
Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans!?
Judge Haller Objection sustained. You can ignore the question, Mr. Tipton.
V Vinny
[advancing on Tipton]
You sure about that five minutes?
V Vinny
Are you sure about that five minutes?
Judge Haller [banging his gavel]
Mr. Gambini, I think you made your point.
V Vinny
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT FIVE MINUTES!?!?
[embarrassed]
I may have been mistaken.
V Vinny
I got no more use for this guy.
[Haller looks shocked by the exchange, while Lisa gives Vinny a proud look, and someone in the public gallery applauds. Stan turns to John Gibbons, his public defender]
You're fired. [gets up and points at Vinny] I want him!
Judge Haller [Motioning to his chamber]
Mr. Gambini, I’d like to speak to you in my chambers. [Walks into the chamber with Vinny behind him]
Judge Haller You're a dead man.
Judge Haller That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you wanna know what he replied?
V Vinny
Did you just say Gallo?
Judge Haller Yes, I did.
Judge Haller That's right.
V Vinny
Jerry Gallo's dead!
Judge Haller [holds up fax]
I'm aware of that!
V Vinny
Well I'm not Jerry Gallo! I'm Jerry Callo! "C-A-LLO!"
Judge Haller Alright. Let's get this cleared up right now. [picks up phone, dials] Hello. This is Judge Chamberlain Haller. Can I speak to the clerk? OK, I'll be here.
Judge Haller [hangs up, returns to Vinny]
He's gonna call back after 3. Which gives you a "stay of execution". Unless, by some miracle you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don't you go to lunch?
