We should get tuna.
Stan Please no more tuna.
It has protein, we need protein.
Stan Beans have protein.
Beans make you fart.
Stan We got a convertible.
Played by Mitchell Whitfield 
My Cousin Vinny (1992) · 58 quotes
My Cousin Vinny (1992) · 58 quotes
4th most-quoted character in My Cousin Vinny (1992): in 11 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Bill (7), Vincent LaGuardia Gambini (4)
Scenes with Stan
11 scenes Stan Stan Stan Stan What's the matter?
Do you know what this is all about?
Stan Yeah, they're **** with us.
And you don't believe that?
Stan No, they don't execute for shoplifting.
You think we're being booked for shoplifting?
Stan No, no. You're being booked for shoplifting, I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.
No, Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.
[on the phone]
We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
Stan [a deputy glares at him]
Some of them do.
Officer
That's death row in there.
Stan It is?
Officer
The chair ain't workin' like it used to. The guy we fried last week, took us three attempts, and his head caught on fire. See, there's no money in the budget to get it looked at. I said it'd be cheaper to get it fixed than keep running up them extra electric bills.
Vinny
[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' **** one way or the other.
Vinny
[Stan tries to get up]
Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan Gee thanks.
Vinny
Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan You think I should be grateful?
Vinny
Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
Stan I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny
I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
Stan That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny
What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny
That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
Stan My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan The magician with the ponytail?
Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.
Guard
[Stan is under the impression that another prisoner will come to offer his protection in exchange for sexual favors]
Here. Got somebody for you. [Vinny slips guard a 'tip', and enters the cell]
Vinny
You must be Stan, how ya doin’?
Stan Why'd they bring you in here?
Vinny
Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me here. Hey, sleepin’, huh? Cute little guy. Y’know, maybe I should start wit you. Let him sleep a little bit.
Stan I don't wanna do this.
Vinny
Hey, I don't blame ya. If I was in your situation, I'd wanna get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, y’know, let's try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. [Stan nervously moves away from Vinny] What's the matter? Hey, relax, relax. Y’know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. Y’know, to get acquainted before we uh, y’know, before we get to it. What's wrong with you?
Stan I don't wanna do this.
Vinny
I understand, but y’know, what are your alternatives?
Stan My alternatives? To what, to you? I don't know, suicide, death...
Vinny
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin’ **** one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up, but Vinny stops him) Hey, lighten up. Don't worry, I'm gonna help you.
Stan [sarcastically]
Gee, thanks.
Vinny
Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be outta line here.
Stan You think I should be grateful?
Vinny
Yeah, I mean it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in’ knees!
Stan I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny
Hey, I'm doin’ a favor here, y’know. You're gettin’ me for nothin’, you little ****.
Stan Boy, that's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny
What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan No. No, no. I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny
That's it. You're on your own. I'm just takin’ care of Sleepin’ Beauty.
Stan [somewhat confused]
Vinny?
Stan This is Vinny?
Stan [to Vinny]: Why didn't you ask them any questions?!
Vinny
Questions? Ask who questions?
You knew you could ask questions, didn't you Vin?
Stan Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!
Vinny
Hey, Stan. You're in Ala-****in’-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol’ boy. There is NO WAY this is not goin’ to trial.
Vinny
[Vinny is cross-examining Tipton]
Is it possible the two defendants...[Gives Haller a glance] entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... Then two different men drive up in a similar - [sees Tipton is already shaking his head] Don't shake ya head. I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now... [continues] Two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?
No. They didn't have enough time.
Vinny
Well, how much time was they in the store?
Five minutes.
Vinny
Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?
No.
Vinny
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry. So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.
That's right.
Vinny
So you knew that. Uh, do you remember what ya had?
Eggs and grits.
Vinny
Eggs and grits. I like grits too. How do you like your grits? You like 'em regular, creamy or al dente?
Vinny
Regular. Instant grits?
Vinny
[Walks over to Jury, as he prepares his next question]
So, Mr. Tipton. How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?
[Tipton falls silent for a moment. Lisa smiles excitedly, and the entire courtroom stares at Tipton apprehensively, realizing he’s been stumped] [nervously]
I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny
[Walks back over to Tipton]
I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you just say you're a fast cook, that’s it!? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen... than on any place on the face of the Earth!?
Vinny
Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans!?
Objection, Your Honor.
Objection sustained. You can ignore the question, Mr. Tipton.
Vinny
[advancing on Tipton]
You sure about that five minutes?
I don't know.
Vinny
Are you sure about that five minutes?
I don't know!
Vinny
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT FIVE MINUTES!?!?
Vinny
I got no more use for this guy.
Stan [Haller looks shocked by the exchange, while Lisa gives Vinny a proud look, and someone in the public gallery applauds. Stan turns to John Gibbons, his public defender]
You're fired. [gets up and points at Vinny] I want him!
