Bill We should get tuna.
Please no more tuna.
Bill It has protein, we need protein.
Beans have protein.
Bill Beans make you fart.
We got a convertible.
5th most-quoted character in My Cousin Vinny (1992): in 10 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Stan (7), Vincent LaGuardia Gambini (5)
Scenes with Bill
10 scenes Bill Bill Bill What's the matter?
Bill Do you know what this is all about?
Yeah, they're **** with us.
Bill And you don't believe that?
No, they don't execute for shoplifting.
Bill You think we're being booked for shoplifting?
No, no. You're being booked for shoplifting, I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.
Bill No, Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.
Bill [on the phone]
We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
Vinny
[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' **** one way or the other.
Vinny
[Stan tries to get up]
Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Gee thanks.
Vinny
Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
You think I should be grateful?
Vinny
Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny
I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny
What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny
That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
Bill [Wakes up Bill]
Vinny. Vinny bag'o donuts.
Bill Vinny!
Vinny
What?
Bill C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny
Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
Bill You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Bill Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
Bill At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
The magician with the ponytail?
Bill Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.
Vinny
Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?
Bill [puts his hand on the wall]
Right.
Vinny
Let me show you something.
Vinny
[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]
He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.
Vinny
[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]
When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.
Guard
[Stan is under the impression that another prisoner will come to offer his protection in exchange for sexual favors]
Here. Got somebody for you. [Vinny slips guard a 'tip', and enters the cell]
Vinny
You must be Stan, how ya doin’?
Why'd they bring you in here?
Vinny
Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me here. Hey, sleepin’, huh? Cute little guy. Y’know, maybe I should start wit you. Let him sleep a little bit.
I don't wanna do this.
Vinny
Hey, I don't blame ya. If I was in your situation, I'd wanna get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, y’know, let's try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. [Stan nervously moves away from Vinny] What's the matter? Hey, relax, relax. Y’know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. Y’know, to get acquainted before we uh, y’know, before we get to it. What's wrong with you?
I don't wanna do this.
Vinny
I understand, but y’know, what are your alternatives?
My alternatives? To what, to you? I don't know, suicide, death...
Vinny
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin’ **** one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up, but Vinny stops him) Hey, lighten up. Don't worry, I'm gonna help you.
Vinny
Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be outta line here.
You think I should be grateful?
Vinny
Yeah, I mean it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in’ knees!
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny
Hey, I'm doin’ a favor here, y’know. You're gettin’ me for nothin’, you little ****.
Boy, that's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny
What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
No. No, no. I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny
That's it. You're on your own. I'm just takin’ care of Sleepin’ Beauty.
Bill [Wakes up Bill, who gets startled]
Hey, back off! Vin! Vinny!
Bill Vinny bag o' donuts. How are you?
Stan [to Vinny]: Why didn't you ask them any questions?!
Vinny
Questions? Ask who questions?
Bill You knew you could ask questions, didn't you Vin?
Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!
Vinny
Hey, Stan. You're in Ala-****in’-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol’ boy. There is NO WAY this is not goin’ to trial.
