Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Stan, you're in Ala-****in-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good-ole-boy. There is no WAY this is not going to trial!
Played by Joe Pesci 
My Cousin Vinny (1992) · 58 quotes
My Cousin Vinny (1992) · 58 quotes
Most-quoted character in My Cousin Vinny (1992): in 46 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Lisa (17), Judge Haller (13), Bill (5)
I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.
More lines from Vincent LaGuardia Gambini
7 quotes Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Vincent LaGuardia Gambini It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're ****. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini [explaining how he became a lawyer]
Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini [as the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove]
Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sure, sure I heard of grits. I've just never actually SEEN a grit before.
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Ok, you can help. We'll use your pictures. AH! These are, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog Shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That's it!
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini [as Bill is speechless and hugging him]
Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.
Scenes with Vincent LaGuardia Gambini
38 scenes
Vinny
What are you wearing?
What?
Vinny
You look like a ****in' tourist.
Me? What about you?
Vinny
I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin' cowboy boots.
Oh yeah, you blend.
How's your Chinese food?
Vinny
You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Yeah well what are you, a **** world traveler?
Vinny
[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' **** one way or the other.
Vinny
[Stan tries to get up]
Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Gee thanks.
Vinny
Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
You think I should be grateful?
Vinny
Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny
I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny
What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny
That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
Vinny
Is that a drip I hear?
Yeah.
Vinny
Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
So?
Vinny
Well, did you use the faucet?
Yeah!
Vinny
Why didn't you turn it off?
I did turn it off.
Vinny
Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
Vinny
No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
Maybe it's broken!
Vinny
Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Yeah, that's it, it's broken.
Vinny
You sure?
I'm positive.
Vinny
Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
I twisted it just right.
Vinny
How can you be so sure?
If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny
How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny
In that case, how can you be sure THAT'S accurate?
Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation!
Vinny
"Dead-on balls accurate"?
It's an industry term.
Vinny
I guess the ****in' thing is broken!
Vinny
Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?
Hotel Clerk
No, sir, it's very unusual.
...
Vinny
[the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train]
Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.
Hotel Clerk
I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.
Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny
[sitting down]
Your Honor, my clients...
Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny
But he [points to bailiff] told me to sit here.
When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
...
Vinny
My clients...
What are you wearing?
Vinny
Huh?
What are you wearing?
Vinny
[wearing a leather jacket]
Um, I'm wearing clothes.
Vinny
[Judge stares ominously]
I... I don't get the question.
When you come into my court looking like you do. You not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.
Vinny
I apologize, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny
Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine.
...
Vinny
My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny
No. I'm just trying to explain.
I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny
Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Uh, Mr. Gambini?
[Motions for him to approach the bench]
All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny
But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
...
The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny
I think I get the point.
No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court.
Would you like to go for two counts.
Vinny
Not guilty.
Thank you.
Vinny!
Vinny
What?
C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny
Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny
You should.
Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny
I shouldn't?
You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
Vinny
Sure. No problem.
Vinny
[quickly leafs through the book]
Just this? Ha ha.
What name did you tell him?
Vinny
Jerry Gallo.
Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Vinny
Yeah.
Think that was a smart move?
Vinny
Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny
Yeah, I saw that.
But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny
No
Too bad.
Vinny
Why's that?
'Cause he's dead.
Vinny
Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?
Vinny
Let me show you something.
Vinny
[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]
He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.
Vinny
[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]
When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.
Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny
You were serious about that?
Vinny
[Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip.]
What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Oh!
Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear blue water... BAM! A ****IN' BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD! YOUR BRAINS ARE LAYIN' ON THE GROUND IN LITTLE BLOODY PIECES. Now, I ax ya. Would you give a **** what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?
I don't like your attitude.
Vinny
So what else is new?
I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny
[to Bill]
Now there's a **** surprise.
What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny
Huh? What did I say?
What the **** is going on here, Vinny? You **** up this case or what?
Vinny
I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to **** up a little.
A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.
Vinny
Hey, Vincent Lamgini Gambini....
His name's JT.
Vinny
JT...I believe you and Lise played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
JT
How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny
Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. Lemme see...This is a tough decision you're givin' me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmmp. Let me think... I could use a good ass kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
JT
(The people in the room laugh)
Over my dead body.
Vinny
You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
JT
In your dreams.
Vinny
Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta yah, do I get the money?
JT
(JT contemplates this)
If you kick the shit outta me,
Vinny
Yeh,
JT
-Then you get the money.
Vinny
(Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy whose in a neck brace.)
What happened? Rear-ended?
Guy
No, ah fell.
Vinny
Oh. (Vinny does personal injury lawsuits). Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now, is...I get my ass kicked...OR, option B, I kick your ass, and collect the 200......I'm goin with option B. (takes his coat off) Kickin' your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
JT
(a little nervous)
Uh, we gonna fight now?
Vinny
Yeah, first let me see the money.
JT
I have the money.
Vinny
Alright, show it to me.
JT
Ah can get it.
Vinny
You can get it? Alright, go get it. Then we'll fight.
Vinny
(Vinny goes to walk out.) (to the guy in the nec brace)
Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Guy
My place.
Vinny
Shit.
Vinny
Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Neckbrace
My place.
Vinny
Shit.
Vinny
What's the matter with you?
I don't know.
Vinny
You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Well, yeah I am.
Vinny
What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny
You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny
And?
Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny
Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
Vinny
Mr. Tipton, when you viewed the defendants walking from their car into the Sac-O-Suds, what angle was your point of view?
They was kind of walking towards me when they entered the store.
Vinny
And when they left, what angle was your point of view?
They was kind of walking away from me.
Vinny
So would you say you got a better shot of them going in, and not so much coming out?
You could say that.
Vinny
I did say that, would you say that?
Yeah.
Vinny
Is it possible that the two utes...
...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny
Uh... what word?
Two what?
Vinny
What?
Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny
Yeah, two utes.
What is a ute?
Vinny
Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.
Vinny
I got thirty **** minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the **** courthouse.
You **** shower, I'll get your **** suit.
J.T. Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny
What is it?
J.T. $200.
Vinny
Bring it here, let me see it.
Vinny
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T. [after short pause]
It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny
Fan it out, show it to me.
Vinny
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Yeah, right.
Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
Vinny
No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?
Vinny
How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?
Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny
[across beside the jury]
What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?
I don't know.
Vinny
Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?
Vinny
I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
Mr. Gambini?
Vinny
Yes, sir?
Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny
Thank you.
Overruled.
Vinny
Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Would you please answer the counselor's question?
No, I hate him.
Vinny
Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Do you two know each other?
Vinny
Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Sit down Miss Vito.
Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
That's a bullshit question.
Does that mean you can't answer it?
It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Nobody could answer that question!
Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Can you answer the question?
No, it's a trick question!
Why is it a trick question?
Vinny
Watch this.
'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.
Vinny
Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
Vinny
[Lisa examines the picture]
Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny
Are you sure?
I'm positive.
Vinny
How could you be so sure?
Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
This is your opinion?
It's a fact!
Vinny
I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Would you like me to explain?
Vinny
I would love to hear this!
So would I.
...
The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny
And why not? What is positraction?
It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
Vinny
[the jury members nod, with murmurs of "yes," "that's right"]
Is that it?
No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny
And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
They were!
Vinny
Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
Vinny
[kissing her hands]
You've been a lovely, lovely witness.
Vinny
Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur Very impressive.
Vinny
She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur Yes, very.
Vinny
Sorry, Your Honor.
Vinny
Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?
Sheriff Dean Farley On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.
Vinny Gambini
Is that it?
Sheriff Dean Farley No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.
Vinny
Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?
Sheriff Dean Farley .357 Magnum.
Vinny
The defense rests.
So what's your problem?
Vinny
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny
Yeah.
You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you." Oh my God, what a **** nightmare!
I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.
Vinny
Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.
What?
Vinny
Nothin’, you stick out like a sore thumb around here.
Me? What about you?
Vinny
I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin’ cowboy boots.
Oh, yeah, you blend.
Guard
[Stan is under the impression that another prisoner will come to offer his protection in exchange for sexual favors]
Here. Got somebody for you. [Vinny slips guard a 'tip', and enters the cell]
Vinny
You must be Stan, how ya doin’?
Why'd they bring you in here?
Vinny
Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me here. Hey, sleepin’, huh? Cute little guy. Y’know, maybe I should start wit you. Let him sleep a little bit.
I don't wanna do this.
Vinny
Hey, I don't blame ya. If I was in your situation, I'd wanna get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, y’know, let's try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. [Stan nervously moves away from Vinny] What's the matter? Hey, relax, relax. Y’know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. Y’know, to get acquainted before we uh, y’know, before we get to it. What's wrong with you?
I don't wanna do this.
Vinny
I understand, but y’know, what are your alternatives?
My alternatives? To what, to you? I don't know, suicide, death...
Vinny
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin’ **** one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up, but Vinny stops him) Hey, lighten up. Don't worry, I'm gonna help you.
Vinny
Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be outta line here.
You think I should be grateful?
Vinny
Yeah, I mean it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in’ knees!
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny
Hey, I'm doin’ a favor here, y’know. You're gettin’ me for nothin’, you little ****.
Boy, that's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny
What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
No. No, no. I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny
That's it. You're on your own. I'm just takin’ care of Sleepin’ Beauty.
Stan [to Vinny]: Why didn't you ask them any questions?!
Vinny
Questions? Ask who questions?
You knew you could ask questions, didn't you Vin?
Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!
Vinny
Hey, Stan. You're in Ala-****in’-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol’ boy. There is NO WAY this is not goin’ to trial.
Vinny
[Vinny is cross-examining Tipton]
Is it possible the two defendants...[Gives Haller a glance] entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... Then two different men drive up in a similar - [sees Tipton is already shaking his head] Don't shake ya head. I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now... [continues] Two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?
No. They didn't have enough time.
Vinny
Well, how much time was they in the store?
Five minutes.
Vinny
Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?
No.
Vinny
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry. So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.
That's right.
Vinny
So you knew that. Uh, do you remember what ya had?
Eggs and grits.
Vinny
Eggs and grits. I like grits too. How do you like your grits? You like 'em regular, creamy or al dente?
Vinny
Regular. Instant grits?
Vinny
[Walks over to Jury, as he prepares his next question]
So, Mr. Tipton. How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?
[Tipton falls silent for a moment. Lisa smiles excitedly, and the entire courtroom stares at Tipton apprehensively, realizing he’s been stumped] [nervously]
I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny
[Walks back over to Tipton]
I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you just say you're a fast cook, that’s it!? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen... than on any place on the face of the Earth!?
Vinny
Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans!?
Objection, Your Honor.
Objection sustained. You can ignore the question, Mr. Tipton.
Vinny
[advancing on Tipton]
You sure about that five minutes?
I don't know.
Vinny
Are you sure about that five minutes?
I don't know!
Vinny
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT FIVE MINUTES!?!?
Vinny
I got no more use for this guy.
[Haller looks shocked by the exchange, while Lisa gives Vinny a proud look, and someone in the public gallery applauds. Stan turns to John Gibbons, his public defender]
You're fired. [gets up and points at Vinny] I want him!
Vinny
Shit.
[Motioning to his chamber]
Mr. Gambini, I’d like to speak to you in my chambers. [Walks into the chamber with Vinny behind him]
You're a dead man.
Vinny
I'm a dead man?
That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you wanna know what he replied?
Vinny
Did you just say Gallo?
Yes, I did.
Vinny
Gallo wit a G?
That's right.
Vinny
Jerry Gallo's dead!
Vinny
Well I'm not Jerry Gallo! I'm Jerry Callo! "C-A-LLO!"
Alright. Let's get this cleared up right now. [picks up phone, dials] Hello. This is Judge Chamberlain Haller. Can I speak to the clerk? OK, I'll be here.
[hangs up, returns to Vinny]
He's gonna call back after 3. Which gives you a "stay of execution". Unless, by some miracle you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don't you go to lunch?
Vinny
What the hell was that all about back there?
I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry Callo!
Vinny
What friends you got in the clerk’s office?
Your friend.
Vinny
My friend?
Judge Malloy.
[pause] So what's your problem?
Vinny
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny
Yeah.
You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all ya cases, but with somebody else's help. Right? You win case, after case, - and then afterwards, you have to go up to somebody and you have to say- "thank you"! Oh my God, what a ****in' nightmare!
