Lenny Bruce quotes from Lenny (1974)

Lenny Bruce

What's the worst thing you can say to anybody? **** you, mister! That's really weird, because if l wanted to hurt you, l should say, Un**** you, mister Because **** you is really nice, man.

Lenny Bruce

I'm not anti-Christ or anti-religion, l just think it's encouraging that people are leaving the Church and going back to God.

Lenny Bruce

Sick comic Lenny Bruce whose jokes about the President... Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what's sick? Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a week in Las Vegas, Nevada. And school teacher salaries in that state, top salary is $6,000 a year. Now, that's really sick! And that's the kind of sick l wish they would have written about.

Lenny Bruce

Are there any **** here tonight? Can you turn on the house lights, please, and could the waiters and waitresses just stop serving, just for a second? And turn off the spot. Now what did he say? Are there any **** here tonight? I know there's one **** here; because, I see him back there working. Let's see. There's two ****. And between those two **** sits a ****. And there's another ****. That's two **** and three ****. And there's a spic, right? Hm? There's another spic. Ooh, there's a wop. There's a Polack. And then, oh, a couple of greaseballs. There's three lace-curtain Irish Micks. And there's one hip, thick, hunky, funky boogie. Boogie, boogie. Mm-mm. I got three ****. Do I hear five ****? I got five ****. Do I hear six spics? Six spics. Do I hear seven ****? I got seven ****. Sold: American! I'll pass with seven ****, six spics, five Micks, four ****, three guineas, and one wop. You almost punched me out, didn't ya? I was trying to make a point and that is it's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig. If President Kennedy would just go on television and say I'd like to introduce you to all the **** in my cabinet. And if he'd just say ****, ****, ****, ****, **** to every **** he saw, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, ****, ****, ****, ****, **** till **** didn't mean anything anymore! Then you'd never be able to make some six year old black kid cry because somebody called him a **** in school.

Lenny Bruce

That's where the conflict starts! We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and $500-a-night hooker.

Lenny Bruce

I am totally corrupt. I mean, really! My whole act. My whole economic success, whatever that is, is based solely on the existence of segregation, violence, despair, disease and injustice. And if, by some miracle, the whole world were suddenly tranquil, pure, I'd be standing on an unemployment line somewhere. So you see, I'm not a moralist. If I were, I'd be donating my salary to those schoolteachers. Right?

Lenny Bruce

Please! Don't take away my words! They're just words! I'm not hurting anybody!

Lenny Bruce

And it just cracks me up that we try so desperately to be unique when we're all the same cat - Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, me, you, every cat has got that one chick who really busted up his ass!

Lenny Bruce

There's no bigger test of how hip you really are than when your girlfriend becomes your wife.

Lenny Bruce

I really dig what they do with homosexuals in this country, man. They put 'em in prison - with a lot of other men. That's really good punishment.

Lenny Bruce

I'm a hustler. As long as they give, I'll grab.

Lenny Bruce

I seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act. l don't know how many of you know it, but l was arrested, busted, right here on this stage a few nights ago, for saying... No. I'm not gonna say it. Let's see. lt's an 11-letter word, it starts with a C and ends with a G. And it was used - it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice. Actually, though, I don't relate it only to homosexuals. I relate it to any contemporary woman I know! Oh, yeah. Would know or love or marry. I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest, right? Okay, I'd like to ask you all a few questions now, okay? And you're all under oath, all of you. Even standing room only. How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word: blah-blah-blah? Don't be shy, you can raise your hands. Well, that's cool. Now let's get really honest. You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed? Hm? It's either yes or no. There's no two ways about it! Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?

Lenny Bruce

I am of Semitic background. I'm Jewish. Now, a Jew, dictionary-style, is one who is descended from one of the ancient tribes of Judea or one who is regarded to have descended from that tribe. But, you and I know what a Jew really is: one who killed our Lord! Now, I don't know if it got much press coverage here on the West Coast, because that all happened a couple a thousand years ago. And although there should be a statute of limitations for the crime, we're still paying the dues. Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime? Why? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on Roman soldiers. All right, I'm gonna clear the air once and for all, and confess. We did it. My family, I did it. We found a note in the basement, it said: We killed him, signed Morty. There's a good thing we nailed him when we did, because if we had done it within the last 50 years, we'd have to contend with generations of parochial schoolkids running around with little electric chairs hanging around their necks.

Lenny Bruce

Let's face it, guys are different. And ladies just don't understand this. Because to a lady, cheating means, I know, hugging and kissing and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. But, with guys, that doesn't enter into it, man. Because, guys are detached. They're different. You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud. A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole. So, if you know this about guys, would you really feel hurt if you came home and found your husband sitting on the bed with a chicken?

Lenny Bruce

OK, what is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watches a stag movie - than a clean movie, like "King of Kings". Why? Because "King of Kings" is full of killing, and l don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back. And that's what happens in "King of Kings". But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed, man. If you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up... or tapped lightly with a Hickok belt, but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half, man, is a lot of hugging and kissing, and moaning and groaning. Oh, God. And then, near the end of the movie, when that one potential instrument of death is revealed: the pillow. That tool the guy might smother the chick with, like in one of those horror flicks. He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass. And they go off, and nobody gets hurt or killed. And it's nice! And that's the end of the movie.

Lenny Bruce

When I'm talking about tits and ass, I'm not up there to shock the audience by repeating those words: "tits and ass, ass and tits, and tits and ass! The point I'm trying to make is that we all live in a hypocritical society!

Lenny Bruce

You need the deviate! Don't shut him up! You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it! The harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him!

Your missus, she's the cutest girl I ever see. Take a fortune cookie and say hello to her. She a wonderful wife.

Lenny Bruce

We're divorced.

You're better off.

Lenny Bruce

Deny it. Flat out - deny it! If you really love your wife, deny it. If they got pictures, deny it.

Honey Bruce

It bugged me at first. You know, it, it hurt.

Lenny Bruce

If they walk in on you, deny it. Just say this strange chick came into the apartment shivering with a sign around her neck that said, I have malaria. Lie on top of me and keep me physically active or I'll die.

Honey Bruce

Later, I found out a lot about why he did things like that.

Lenny Bruce

And chances are, man... they'll believe it. Do you know why?

The Interviewer

To prove himself.

Honey Bruce

Needed to prove himself.

Lenny Bruce

Because they wanna believe it.

What makes you think you've got the right to say a word like that in a public place?

Lenny Bruce

What word is that? l said a lot of words.

You know what word l'm talkin' about. lt's against the law.

Lenny Bruce

l didn't do it, man, l just said it.

Yeah. lf you ever said it in front of my wife or kid, l'd punch you right out.

Lenny Bruce

l really don't want to get emotionally involved in this.

It's my understanding that he has a performance on, uh... .

Lenny Bruce

Saturday.

Saturday.

Yes, sir.

I want to caution you right now, young man, that if I get a report that you have repeated any of this language, any of these words, you'll take the consequences. Is that clear?

Lenny Bruce

If I repeat what words? It's all right. If I repeat what words specifically, Your Honor?