Carl Bernstein quotes from All the President's Men (1976)

Carl Bernstein

I lived here all my life, I got a million contacts, but they're all bus boys and bellhops.

Carl Bernstein

My first day as a copy boy I was sixteen and wearing my only grown-up suit--it was cream colored. At 2:30 the head copy boy comes running up to me and says, "My God, haven't you washed the carbon paper yet? If it's not washed by three, it'll never by dry for tomorrow." And I said, "Am I supposed to do that?" and he said, "Absolutely, it's crucial." So I run around and grab all the carbon paper from all the desks and take it to the men's room. I'm standing there washing it and it's splashing all over me and the editor comes in to take a leak, and he says, "What the **** do you think you're doing?" And I said, "It's 2:30. I'm washing the carbon paper." Just wanted you to know I've done dumber things than get us lost, that's all.

Woodward

What the hell were you doing rewriting my story?

Bernstein

I sure couldn't hurt it, could I?

Woodward

It was fine the way it was.

Bernstein

It was bullshit the way it was.

Woodward

I have to stand here and listen to the staff correspondent from Virginia?

Bernstein

What have you been here, nine months? I been in this business since I was sixteen.

Woodward

And you've had some **** meteoric rise, that's for sure. By the time you turn forty you might be the head of the Montana bureau.

Bernstein

You only got the job because both you and Bradlee went to Yale.

Woodward

Bradlee went to Harvard.

Bernstein

They're all the same, all those Ivy League places. They teach you about striped ties and suddenly you're smart.

Woodward

I'm smart enough to know my story was solid.

Bernstein

Mine's better.

Woodward

No way.

Bernstein

Read 'em both and you'll see.

Woodward

Crap.

Bernstein

Is mine better?

Woodward

What is it about my writing that's so rotten?

Bernstein

Mainly it has to do with your choice of words.

Woodward

Carl?

Bernstein

Yeah?

Woodward

**** you, Carl.

Bernstein

You heard? They put us both on the break-in thing. Simons liked the way we worked together.

Bernstein

Listen, I'm sorry I said your story was bullshit.

Woodward

It's OK; I'm sorry I called you a failure.

Bernstein

Forget it, the main thing--did you call me a failure?

Woodward

I was sure trying.

Library.

Bernstein

Hi. Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post. I was just wondering if you remember the names of any of the books that Howard Hunt checked out on Senator Kennedy.

I think I do remember, he took out a whole bunch of material. Let me just go see.

Bernstein

What do you think?

Woodward

Hunt doesn't seem like your ordinary consultant.

Bernstein

Maybe a political operative of some sort.

Woodward

A spy, you mean?

Bernstein

It makes sense; Hunt worked for the C.I.A. and the White House was paranoid about Teddy Kennedy.

Mr. Bernstein?

Bernstein

Yes, ma'am.

What I said before? I was wrong. The truth is, I don't have a card that Mr. Hunt took out any Kennedy material. I remember getting that material out for somebody, but it wasn't Mr. Hunt. The truth is, I've never had any requests at all from Mr. Hunt. [pause] The truth is, I don't know Mr. Hunt.

Bernstein

This is practically a high school reunion for us, Jane--I would have sprung for a classier place.

Anyplace really public, they'd know about it--they know everything at the Committee, Carl.

Bernstein

You don't really think you're being followed?

This girlfriend of mine at the Committee, the other day she went back to the D.A. to tell the things the FBI didn't ask her. That night, her boss, he knew what she'd done. They control everything; that's how they know it all.

Bernstein

FBI too?

You don't believe me? Well, I was working the weekend of the break-in and my God, all the executives were running around like crazy--you had to practically wait in line to use the shredding machine--and when the FBI came to investigate, they never even asked me about it.

Bernstein

If you don't like it down there, why don't you quit?

I don't know what they'd do to me.

Bernstein

Hey, easy...

We're a long way from high school, Carl, and I'm scared.
...

They found out I saw you. They wanted to know everything. Don't call me again.

Bernstein

I can help if you'll...

Stay away from me, Carl!

Woodward

A friend at the Committee told us to contact you.

Woman

Who was it?

Bernstein

We never reveal our sources, which is why you can talk to us.

Woodward

It's safe, try it, you'll see.

Bernstein

We understand your problem...

Woodward

You believe in the President, you wouldn't ever want to do anything disloyal.

Bernstein

We appreciate your position--really.

Woman

You people--you think that you can come into someone's life, squeeze what you want, then get out. [to Bernstein] You don't appreciate a goddamn thing, mister. [to Woodward] And you don't understand nothing. But the Committee's briefed us on you--so get the hell out of here. Do you like scaring the life out of decent people?--'cause if you don't, in the name of God--stop it!

I know who you are and I'm not afraid but that don't mean I'll talk to you either--you're just a couple Democrats out to stop Nixon getting re-elected.

Woodward

Democrats?

That's right.

Bernstein

I hate both parties.

Woodward

And I'm a Republican.

Bernstein

Republican?

Woodward

Sure.

Bernstein

Who'd you vote for?

Woodward

When?

Bernstein

'68.

Woodward

Nixon.

No one in this administration, presently employed, was involved in this very bizarre incident. What really hurts in matters of this sort is not the fact that they occur, because overzealous people in campaigns do things that are wrong. What really hurts is if you try to cover it up.

Woodward

Did he just say what I think he said?

Bernstein

You voted for him.

Bernstein

I want you to know that I understand why you're afraid--a lot of good people down there at the Committee are afraid. I'm really sorry for what you're being put through.

Bookkeeper

All those articles you people write--where do you find that stuff?

Bernstein

We don't tell anyone that. Which is why you can talk to us. And if we can't verify what you say someplace else, we don't print it. That's another reason you can relax.

Bookkeeper

I'm relaxed--light your cigarette.

Bernstein

You were Hugh Sloan's bookkeeper when he worked for Maurice Stans at Finance, and we were sort of wondering, did you go work for Stans immediately after Sloan quit or was there a time lapse?

Bookkeeper

I never worked for Sloan or Stans.

Bookkeeper's sister

Would you like some coffee or anything?

Bernstein

Please, yes, thank you. Can I sit down for a minute?

Bookkeeper

One minute but then--

Bernstein

Right, right, I've got to go. Why did you lie just then? I was just curious--you don't do it well, so I wondered. Have you been threatened, if you told the truth, is that it?

Bookkeeper

No... never in so many words...

Bernstein

It's obvious you want to talk to someone--well, I'm someone.

Bernstein

The General Accounting report said there was a 350 thousand cash slush fund in Stans' safe. Did you know about that from the beginning?

Bookkeeper

There are too many people watching me--they know I know a lot.

Bernstein

It was all in hundreds, wasn't it?

Bookkeeper

A lot of it was. I just thought it was sort of an all-purpose political fund--you know, for taking fat cats to dinner, things like that.

Bernstein

Could buy a lot of steaks, 350,000 dollars.

Bookkeeper

I can't be positive that it was used for the break-in but people sure are worried.

Bernstein

Which people?

Bookkeeper

The ones who could disburse the money....I don't want to say anymore.
...

Bernstein

You haven't finished telling me about the money.

Bookkeeper

Omigod, there was so much of it, six million came in one two-day period--six million cash, we couldn't find enough places to put it. I thought it was all legal, I guess I did, til after the break-in, when I remembered Gordon got so much of it.

Bernstein

Gordon Liddy, you mean?

Bookkeeper

It was all so crazy--the day after the break-in he gave us a speech, bouncing up and down on his heels in that loony way of his--Gordon told us not to let Jim McCord ruin everything--don't let one bad apple spoil the barrel, he said. You just know that when Gordon Liddy's calling someone a bad apple, something's wrong somewhere. It's all so rotten... and getting worse... and all I care about is Hugh Sloan. His wife was going to leave him if he didn't stand up and do what was right. And he quit. He quit because he saw it and didn't want any part of it.

Bernstein

Think Sloan's being set up as a fall guy for John Mitchell? Sometimes it looks that way.

Bookkeeper

If you guys... if you guys could just get John Mitchell... that would be beautiful.

Debbie Sloan

This is an honest house.

Woodward

That's why we'd like to see your husband.

Bernstein

Facing certain criminal charges that might be brought against some people that are innocent, we just feel that it would be...

Woodward

It's really for his benefit.

Debbie Sloan

No, it's not.

Woodward

No, it's not.

Bernstein

We were hoping that maybe now you could... We know why you left the Committee. We know you're not guilty of anything. But we know you know who is.

Sloan

Look, come in. We'll have to be quiet--my wife's asleep...I'd like to talk to you, I really would, but my lawyers say I shouldn't until after the Watergate trial.

Woodward

You handed out the money. Maybe there's a legitimate explanation for the way it was done.

Bernstein

Then again, maybe things are even worse than we've written...

Sloan

They're worse. That's why I quit.

Sloan

Try and understand this. I'm a decent Republican. I believe in Richard Nixon. I worked in the White House four years--so did my wife. What happened on June 17 I don't think the President knew anything about. Some of his men I'm not so sure of.

Bernstein

Do you think the truth will come out at the trial?

Sloan

That's another of the things I'm not so sure of.

Bernstein

Because people at the Committee were told to lie to the prosecutors?

Sloan

We were never told flat out "Don't talk." But the message was clear.

Bernstein

To cover up?

Sloan

Well, they sure didn't ask us to come forward and tell the truth.

Woodward

Does "they" mean the White House?

Sloan

As opposed to the Committee? The Committee's not an independent operation. Everything is cleared with the White House. I don't think that the FBI or the prosecutors understand that.

Bradlee

All non-denial denials--we're dirty guys and they doubt we were ever virgins but they don't say the story is inaccurate.

Bernstein

What's a real denial?

Bradlee

If they ever start calling us goddamn liars, it's time to start circling the wagons.

Segretti

I'm a lawyer, and I'll probably go to jail, and be disbarred, and what did I do that was so awful? None of it was my idea, Carl--I didn't go looking for the job.

Chapin did contact you then?

Segretti

Sure--off the record.

On the orders of Haldeman?

Segretti

I don't know anything about Haldeman, except, Dwight's frightened of him--everybody's frightened of him--Christ, I wish I'd never gotten messed around with this--all I wanna do is sit in the sun; sit, swim, see some girls.

It gets interesting if it was Haldeman, because our word is that when Chapin says something, he's gotten the OK from Haldeman, and when Haldeman says something, he's gotten the OK from the President.

Segretti

Can't help you.

At USC, you had a word for this--screwing up the opposition you all did it at college and called it rat****. [Segretti smiles and nods] Ever wonder if Nixon might turn out to be the biggest rat****er of them all?

Bernstein

How's it going?

Woodward

What're you doing?

Bernstein

I'm polishing it a little.

Woodward

You're what?

Bernstein

Polishing.

Woodward

What's wrong with it?

Bernstein

Nothing, nothing, it's good.

Woodward

Then what are you doing with it?

Bernstein

I'm helping it, it's a little fuzzy.

Woodward

May I have it?

Bernstein

I don't think you're saying what you mean.

Woodward

I know exactly what I mean.

Bernstein

Not here. I can't tell from this whether Hunt works for Coulson or Coulson works for Hunt-

Woodward

May I have it, please?

Bernstein

-so many conclusions to this-

Woodward

May I have it?

Bernstein

Yes, I'm not looking for a fight.

Woodward

I'm not looking for a fight either.

Bernstein

I'm just aware of the fact that you've only been here nine months.

Woodward

What's that got to do with anything?

Bernstein

Well, I've been in the business since I was 16.

Woodward

What're you saying?

Bernstein

Look, I'm trying to tell you that if you'd read mine, and then read yours-

Woodward

Can I read yours?

Bernstein

Yeah. [Woodward takes Bernstein's version and reads them side-by-side] I walked by, gave yours a glance, it didn't look right, so I figured I'd just refine it a little. The first paragraph has to have more clarity, the readers gotta understand. You don't mention Coulson's name till the third paragraph. I think mine's better, but you go ahead and read. If you think yours is better, we'll give yours to the desk. I've got Coulson's name up front. He's a White House consultant and nobody knows-

Woodward

You're right. Yours is better. [Goes to his desk, comes back with a bunch of papers] If you're gonna do it, do it right, here are my notes. If you're gonna hype it, hype it with the facts. I don't mind what you did, I mind the way you did it.

Woodward

Segretti crisscrossed the country, at least a dozen times. And always stayed in cities where there were Democratic primaries.

Bernstein

So if the break-in was just one incident in a campaign of sabotage that began a whole year before Watergate...

Woodward

Then for the first time the break-in makes sense.

Bernstein

This isn't so crazy. This whole thing didn't start with the bugging of the headquarters.

Woodward

Segretti was doing this a year before the bugging.

Bernstein

And a year before, Nixon wasn't slaughtering Muskie, he was running behind Muskie, before Muskie self-destructed.

Woodward

If he self-destructed!