Olive Penderghast quotes from Easy A (2010)

Olive Penderghast

The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building. Pretty cutting edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous. Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah! But don't worry. This isn't one of those tales, though it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal things. So, let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast-size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now.

Olive Penderghast

We've had nine classes together since Kindergarten...ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't because you called it science fiction and refused to go.

Olive Penderghast

Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?

Olive Penderghast

That's the one thing that trumps religion...capitalism.

Olive Penderghast

And here you all are. Waiting for me outside the bedroom door for me to kiss Todd. Listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon. Paying me to lie for you, and calling me every name in the book. And you know what? It was just like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Except that's the one thing movies don't tell you: how shitty it feels to be an outcast. Warranted or not.

Olive Penderghast

I might even lose my virginity to him. I don't know when it will happen. You know, maybe in five minutes, or tonight, or six months from now, or maybe on the night of our wedding. But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business.

Rhiannon

I want every detail!

Olive

Rhi-

Rhiannon

Now bitch!

Olive

You know, you call me "bitch" a lot. Okay, it's not a term of endearment.

Rhiannon

I want every detail! Now shitface!

Olive

Yeah, you're not heading in the right direction.

Rhiannon

You're being pretty cavalier about this. Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit?

Olive

Yes... I believe so, if I was the Gossip Girl in Sweet Valley of the Traveling Pants. But since I'm not... [shrugs]

Marianne

There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.

Olive

Tom Cruise?

Brandon

I'm looking for an Olive.

Rosemary

There's a whole jar of them in the fridge.

Brandon

I thought this was...

Rosemary

Oh come on in. Any friend of Olive's is a friend of our daughters. [calling upstairs] Olive! Sweetie, there's a young man here to see you. He said something about asking for your hand in marriage!!

Olive

Oh happy day mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness!! A gentleman caller, hooray!!!

Rosemary

That boy from yesterday just dropped this off for you...

Olive

Well, put it in the pile of gifts from my other suitors.

Rosemary

He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little incredibly gay...

Olive

Dyed in the wool homosexual, that boy is.

Rosemary

I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex partner...

Olive

We are not dating, Mom.

Rosemary

...and don't worry about not making us grandparents. Although we were kind of hoping you'd get "knocked up" so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time.

Olive

Bye now...

Rosemary

You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time, actually... a long time...

Olive

Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you didn't marry and have children with him!

Rosemary

No.

Rosemary

No, no. Your father is as straight as they come. A little too straight, if you know what I mean, girlfriend.

Olive

I don't...

Nina

Perhaps you should embroider a red "A" on your wardrobe, you abominable tramp.

Olive

Perhaps you should get a wardrobe you abominable twat.

Brandon

So what's with your new look? It's very whore couture.

Olive

Oh, haven't you heard? I'm the new school slut.

Brandon

You know, I did hear something. I also heard he was twice your age.

Olive

Oh, no no no no. He was a freshman in college.

Brandon

I also heard he gave you crabs.

Olive

Ew! People suck!

Brandon

Tell me about it.

Dill

Is everything alright? It sounds like you're having sex in here...Which can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.

Olive

He's not my boyfriend!

Dill

Hey, no judgment. All God's children. It's fine. I was gay once...for a while. No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.

Marianne

Looks like someone's on a downward spiral.

Olive

Looks like someone's practicing the mundane activity she'll be saddled with the rest of her pathetic life.

Olive

Does it ever bother you that your boyfriend is 22 years old and still in high school?

Marianne

Because, Olive, it's His choice!

Olive

Oh, really? His choice? He just wants to be repeating his senior year for, like, the fourth time 'cause he can't pass a single test?

Marianne

No, silly, [gestures up] His. His, with a capital H. If the Good Lord had wanted Micah to graduate, he would have given him the right answers.

Olive

I'm sorry, but, I mean, really? You gotta be shittin' me, woman.

Todd

Screw all these people, Olive!

Olive

Haven't you heard? I already did.

Mr Griffith

I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought...but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?

Olive

He got a Coke Zero again? Oh that Roman, incorrigible.

Olive

Guys, I want you to know that if you hear I have chlamydia, that is totally false.

Rosemary

Olive, do we need to have the talk again?

Olive

No. It's just a thing that's going around.

Dill

You know, nothing you're saying is making me feel any better.

Rosemary

Not to mention how you have been dressing these past few days. No judgment, but you kind of look like a stripper.

Olive

Mom!

Dill

A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.

Olive

How do you know where I live?

Todd

We used to carpool.

Olive

Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you like a savant for people's addresses?

Todd

Just for people who I think are cool.

Olive

You think I'm cool?

Todd

I do. And I think you're pretty and smart.

Olive

Did you form this opinion prior to my little transformation?

Todd

Way prior.

Olive

Why didn't that rumor spread?

Todd

I like to keep my business to myself. Notoriety, for whatever reason, never seems to benefit the noted, only the "notees."

Olive

Where were you two weeks ago?

Todd

Olive. If I promise not to tell anyone, could I kiss you right now?

Olive

No.

Todd

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Olive

Oh, no. I just mean, not like this. I don't wanna kiss you with mascara running down my face...and some horndog guy just having tried to stick his tongue down my throat. I've wanted to kiss you since 8th grade, but I want it to be perfect. And right now, my life is a mess. I need to get my business in order before I drag you into it.

Todd

What if I told you I wanna be dragged into it? I could help, maybe.

Olive

Why now? Why are you all of a sudden into me now?

Todd

I don't know. I haven't overanalyzed it, like you're about to.

Mrs. Griffith

Olive, life is full of choices. I made a bad one. But then, so did you. But I see no other alternative than to just live with the guilt. My guilt stems from my indiscretion and yours for lying. We made our choices. Now, we just have to let it ride.

Olive

Or I could just tell everyone the truth and have you fired and put in jail.

Mrs. Griffith

Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay!? It's perfectly legal in the state of California. I checked! He is 21 in eight months. And secondly, let's play the "Who Would You Believe game," okay? Why don't you ask yourself, if you were an adult, who would you believe? Who would you believe!? Who would you believe!? Who would you believe!? Who!?! ...Thank you for coming in.

Rosemary

I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.

Olive

Why?

Rosemary

Because I was a slut. I slept with a whole bunch of people. A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.

Olive

Mom!
...

Olive

Can you not see that I'm a mess?

Rosemary

No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you'll handle this the same way I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. But you're much smarter than I am, so you'll come out of this much better than I did.

Olive

Thank you, Mom.