Tied for 4th most-quoted character in Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964): in 10 of its 71 quotes
Most scenes with: General Jack D. Ripper (4), Colonel 'Bat' Guano (2)
Now you listen to me, Colonel Bat Guano, if that is your real name!
Lionel Mandrake Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me, Jack. Eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man, Jack - that's what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
Lionel Mandrake Jack, I am afraid I am going to have to ask you for the key to the door and the recall code, please.
Lionel Mandrake Hey Jack, how about we play a little guessing game shall we. How about I guess what the code is and-[Ripper kills himself]
The base is being put on Condition Red. I want this flashed to all sections immediately.
Condition Red, sir, yes, jolly good idea. That keeps the men on their toes.
Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not an exercise.
Not an exercise, sir?
It looks like we're in a shooting war.
Oh hell. Are the Russians involved, sir?
It just came in on the Red Phone. My orders are for this base to be sealed tight, and that's what I mean to do, seal it tight. Now, I want you to transmit plan R, R for Robert, to the wing. Plan R for Robert...It looks like it's pretty hairy...Now last, and possibly most important - I want all privately-owned radios to be immediately impounded...They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs.
I think those fellas in the Pentagon have given us some sort of exercise to test our readiness. Personally, I think it's taking things a bit too far. Our fellows will be inside Russian radar, Captain, in about twenty minutes....I thought to myself, 'Our fellows hitting Russian radar cover in 20 minutes, dropping all their stuff, I'd better tell you because if they do, it will cause a bit of a stink, what?'
I will not tolerate any special prerogatives to question my orders from an officer in the Exchange Programme.
Let's face it, we, we don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, do we?
The planes are not going to be recalled. My attack orders have been issued and the orders stand.
There is something dreadfully wrong somewhere.
Could you please fix me a drink of rain water and grain alcohol?
Oh, you're going to have a little wash and brush up, are you? What a good idea. Always did wonders for a man that, Jack. A little wash and brush up, water on the back of the neck. Makes you feel marvelous. That's what we need, Jack! Water on the back of the neck and the code...
A decision is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs in the War Room at the Pentagon. And when they realize there is no possibility of recalling the Wing, there will be only one course of action open. Total commitment. Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?
No, I don't think I do, sir, no.
He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Mandrake?
Yes, Jack?
Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?
Well, I can't say I have.
Vodka, that's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
Well, I-I believe that's what they drink, Jack, yes.
On no account will a Commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
Oh, eh, yes. I, uhm, can't quite see what you're getting at, Jack.
Water, that's what I'm getting at, water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven-tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, do you realize that seventy percent of you is water?
Uh, uh, Good Lord!
And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
Yes.
Are you beginning to understand?
Yes.
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure-grain alcohol?
Well, it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation. Fluoridation of water?
Uh? Yes, I-I have heard of that, Jack, yes. Yes.
Well, do you know what it is?
No, no I don't know what it is, no.
Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
You know those clowns outside are gonna give me a pretty good going over in a few minutes - for the code...I don't know how well I could stand up under torture.
Well of course, the answer to that is, boy, no one ever does. And my advice to you, Jack, is to give me the code now. And if those devils come back and try any rough stuff, we'll fight 'em together, boy, like we did just now, on the floor, eh? You with the old gun, and me with the belt and the ammo, feeding you Jack! Feed me, you said, and I was feeding you, Jack.
I happen to believe in a life after this one. I know I'll have to answer for what I've done.
Erm, yes, Jack.
And, do you know what, Mandrake? I think I'll be able to answer for it.
Oh, going to shave, I see? Well, jolly good, Jack, but I'm...you know, I'm just sure I could withstand the torture...you know, if you could just tell me the recall code now--
[Ripper shoots himself]
What kind of suit you call that, fella?
This happens to be an RAF uniform, sir. And I am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I am General Ripper's Executive Officer. I've got a very good idea what the recall code is and I have to get in touch with SAC headquarters immediately...May I tell you that I have a very, very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, what the recall code is. It's some sort of recurrent theme he kept repeating. It's a variation on Peace on Earth or Purity of Essence. EOP. OPE. It's one of those...Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody March Hare and sent the whole Wing to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that?
I think there's some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General Ripper found out about your preversion and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts....All I was told to do was get General Ripper on the phone with the President of the United States.
And I can assure you, if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of Enquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant.
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