Colonel 'Bat' Guano quotes from Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Colonel 'Bat' Guano

If you try any preversions [sic] in there, I'll blow your head off.

Guano

What kind of suit you call that, fella?

This happens to be an RAF uniform, sir. And I am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I am General Ripper's Executive Officer. I've got a very good idea what the recall code is and I have to get in touch with SAC headquarters immediately...May I tell you that I have a very, very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, what the recall code is. It's some sort of recurrent theme he kept repeating. It's a variation on Peace on Earth or Purity of Essence. EOP. OPE. It's one of those...Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody March Hare and sent the whole Wing to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that?

Guano

I think there's some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General Ripper found out about your preversion and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts....All I was told to do was get General Ripper on the phone with the President of the United States.

And I can assure you, if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of Enquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant.

Put your hands over your head.

What the devil do you think you're doing, shooting away in here? Who are you?

I said, put your hands over your head. What kinda suit you call that, fella?

What do you mean, "suit"? This happens to be an RAF uniform, sir, and I am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I'm General Ripper's Executive Officer.

Where's General Ripper?

He's dead, in the bathroom.

Where's the bathroom?

Next to you.
[Col. Guano moves over to the bathroom door, still keeping his gun pointed at Mandrake; when he peers into the bathroom, he whistles at the (unseen) severity of Ripper's suicide]

Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody March Hare, and sent the whole wing over to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that?!

What are you talkin' about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm going to pick up this red telephone, which is connected directly to SAC, and I hope-- [tries but the phone is dead] --blast. Blast! Shot away, I expect, by one of your men during this ridiculous fighting! Right! [picks up another phone only to discover the cord connecting it to the receiver has been severed]

All right, Charlie. I've been wastin' too much time on you. I got a lot of wounded men outside. Start walkin'.

Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!

You wanna know what I think?

Yes!

I think you're some kinda deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizin' some kinda mutiny of preverts! Now move!

All I was told to do was to get General Ripper on the phone with the President of the United States.

Now just one second. You just said, "The President".

What about the President?

Now, the President wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now, General Ripper is dead, is he not? I am General Ripper's Executive Officer, so the President will bloody well want to speak to me, won't he? [gestures at a payphone booth] There's a telephone box over there, and the line may be open.

You wanna talk to the President of the United States?

I don't want to talk to him, Colonel, I've got to talk to him. And I can assure you that if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of inquiry on this will give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant!

Just one second, op-operator. [to Col. "Bat" Guano] They won't accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents?

What, you don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do ya?

Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.

That's private property.

Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!

Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?

What?

You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.