General "Buck" Turgidson [reading a transcript of a phone call by General Ripper]
'They are on their way in and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. My boys will give you the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now. So let's get going. There's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our natural fluids. God bless you all.' Then he hung up.
General "Buck" Turgidson [on the phone, in the War Room]
Well, look baby, I can't, can't talk to you now, but... My president needs me. Of course Bucky would rather be there with you. Of course it isn't only physical. I deeply respect you as a human being. Someday I'm gonna make you Mrs. Buck Turgidson. Listen, you go back to sleep. Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can. All right? Listen, sug', don't forget to say your prayers.
General "Buck" Turgidson Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth...Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable post-war environments. One, where you got 20 million people killed, and the other where you got 150 million people killed.
Turgidson You better give Elmo and Charlie a blast, and bump everything up to Condition Red and stand by the blower. [to Miss Scott] I just thought I might mosey over to the War Room for a few minutes. The Air Force never sleeps.
Miss Scott Buck, honey...I'm not sleepy either.
Turgidson I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do. You just start your countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say...Blast Off!
General Turgidson, it is the avowed policy of our nation never to strike first with nuclear weapons.
Turgidson Well, sir, I would say that General Ripper has already invalidated that policy!
That was not an act of national policy and there are still alternatives left open to us.
Turgidson Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops, uh, depending on the breaks.
I refuse to go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler.
Turgidson Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with the American people, than with your image in the history books.
When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the Earth will be as dead as the moon!...When they are exploded, they will produce a Doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for ninety-three years!...It is not anything a sane man would do. The Doomsday Machine is designed to trigger itself automatically...It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it...
Turgidson That's a load of Commie bull and an obvious Commie trick.
There were those of us who fought against us. But in the end, we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. And at the same time, our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our Doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a Doomsday gap.
This is preposterous! I've never approved of anything like that!
Our source was the New York Times.
Is there really a chance for that plane to get through?
Turgidson Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but frankly, we think he's short of know-how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you, you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, look, look at all them them Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit...if the pilot's good, see, I mean, if he's really..sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low [he spreads his arms like wings and laughs], you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big plane like a '52. VRROOM! There's jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the barnyard.
Yeah, but has he got a chance?
Turgidson Has he got a chance? Hell, Ye...ye... [He covers his mouth dumbstruck, suddenly and solemnly grasping the implications of his words]
I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens. It would be quite easy...heh, heh...at the bottom of ah...some of our deeper mineshafts. Radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep, and in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in drilling space could easily be provided.
How long would you have to stay down there?
...I would think that uh, possibly uh...one hundred years...It would not be difficult Mein Fuehrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh...I'm sorry, Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plant life. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country, but I would guess that dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided.
Well, I, I would hate to have to decide...who stays up and...who goes down.
Well, that would not be necessary, Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills. Of course, it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. Ha, ha. But ah, with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present Gross National Product within say, twenty years.
Wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief-stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want to go on living?
When they go down into the mine, everyone would still be alive. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! [involuntarily gives the Nazi salute and forces it down with his other hand]Ahhh!
Turgidson Doctor, you mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?
Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious...service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.
Turgidson General Ripper called Strategic Air Command Headquarters shortly after he issued the go code. I have a phone transcript of that conversation if you'd like me to to read it.
Turgidson Ahem... The Duty Officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact that he *had* issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and nobody can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation." Uh... "My boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now." Uhuh. Uh... "So let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural... fluids. God bless you all." And he hung up.
Turgidson [Pause as he realizes the implications of General Ripper's words]
Uh, we're... still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.
There's nothing to figure out, General Turgidson. This man is obviously a psychotic.
Turgidson We-he-ell, uh, I'd like to hold off judgement on a thing like that, sir, until all the facts are in.
General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you *assured* me there was *no* possibility of such a thing *ever* occurring!
Turgidson Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.
Right. Now, General Turgidson, what's going on here?
GT Gen. Turgidson
Mr. President, about, uh, 35 minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the commanding general of, uh, Burpelson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34 B-52's of his Wing, which were airborne at the time as part of a special exercise we were holding called Operation Drop-Kick. Now, it appears that the order called for the planes to, uh, attack their targets inside Russia. The, uh, planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of, um, 40 megatons each. Now, the central display of Russia will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their primary targets; the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within, uh, 25 minutes.
General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons.
GT Gen. Turgidson
That's right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.
GT Gen. Turgidson
Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth, both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless distinguishable, post-war environments: one where you got 20 million people killed, and the other where you got 150 million people killed!
You're talking about mass murder, General, not war.
GT Gen. Turgidson
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops! Uh, depending on the breaks.
I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler.
GT Gen. Turgidson
Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with the American people, than with your image in the history books.
GT Gen. Turgidson
Is that the Russian ambassador you're talking about?
GT Gen. Turgidson
A-A-Am I to understand the *Russian* ambassador is to be admitted entrance to th-the War Room?
That is correct, he is here on my orders.
GT Gen. Turgidson
I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean, he'll see everything, he'll... he'll see the Big Board!
When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the Earth will be as dead as the moon!
GT Gen. Turgidson
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.
You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G!
GT Gen. Turgidson
[pauses]
Well, what about it?
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive half-life of ninety three years. If you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for ninety-three years!
GT Gen. Turgidson
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, after all...!
I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexei. Is the Premier threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?
No, sir! It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is designed to trigger itself automatically.
But surely you can disarm it somehow.
No, it is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it.
GT Gen. Turgidson
It's an obvious Commie trick, Mr. President. We are wasting valuable time! (stumbles) Look at the big board, they're getting ready to clobber us!
But this is absolute madness, Ambassador. Why on earth would you build such a thing?
There were those of us who fought against this. But in the end, we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. And at the same time, our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our Doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a Doomsday gap.
This is preposterous! I've never approved of anything like that!
Our source was the New York Times.
