Inspector Jacques Clouseau Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.
Most-quoted character in A Shot in the Dark (1964): in 12 of its 18 quotes
Most scenes with: Charles Dreyfus (3)
I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.
More lines from Inspector Jacques Clouseau
4 quotes Inspector Jacques Clouseau Inspector Jacques Clouseau [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe]
Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha! [hits him] Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate out training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau Prison is bad enough, without, uncomfortable furniture.
Scenes with Inspector Jacques Clouseau
7 scenes Clouseau There is something... personal... in this?
Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau You want me to leave?
Maria Gambrelli You should get out of these clothes immediately! You'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.
Clouseau Yes, I suppose I probably will. But it's all part of life's rich pageant, you know.
Clouseau Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... [snaps his pointing stick] You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
Hercule LaJoy Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
Clouseau What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.
Hercule LaJoy How do you know that?
Clouseau Instinct!
Hercule LaJoy But the facts...
Clouseau You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.
Hercule LaJoy He beat her.
Clouseau He was Spanish!
Hercule LaJoy He tore her dress off.
Clouseau Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?
Hercule LaJoy No, I suppose not.
Clouseau No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.
Clouseau [Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
Camp Attendant Not unless you take off your clothes...
Clouseau You, sir, are under arrest.
Camp Attendant Arrest? What for?
Clouseau For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
Camp Attendant Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Clouseau Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?
Camp Attendant No.
Clouseau What?!
Camp Attendant This is a nudist colony.
What about the maid?
Clouseau The maid?
Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
A mistake?... in a nudist camp?
Clouseau Nobody's perfect.
Idiot nincompoop lunatic!
Clouseau Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!
Clouseau Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One... [holding up one finger] She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two... [holding up three fingers] The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three... [holding up four fingers] There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four... [holding up all five fingers] All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?
Hercule LaJoy Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.
Clouseau You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.
Hercule LaJoy But the facts...
Clouseau Listen, whoever killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.
Hercule LaJoy Well, who do you suspect?
Clouseau I suspect everyone.
Hercule LaJoy Well... I suppose that is possible.
Clouseau Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.
Other characters in A Shot in the Dark
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Inspector Jacques Clouseau