A Shot in the Dark (1964) quotes ... Movie Quotes Database

Clouseau

[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]

I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.

Camp Attendant

Not unless you take off your clothes...

Clouseau

You, sir, are under arrest.

Camp Attendant

Arrest? What for?

Clouseau

For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.

Camp Attendant

Lewd and suggestive remarks?

Clouseau

Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?

Camp Attendant

No.

Clouseau

What?!

Camp Attendant

This is a nudist colony.

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Clouseau

Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One... [holding up one finger] She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two... [holding up three fingers] The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three... [holding up four fingers] There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four... [holding up all five fingers] All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?

Hercule LaJoy

Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.

Clouseau

You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.

Hercule LaJoy

But the facts...

Clouseau

Listen, whoever killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.

Hercule LaJoy

Well, who do you suspect?

Clouseau

I suspect everyone.

Hercule LaJoy

Well... I suppose that is possible.

Clouseau

Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.

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Clouseau

Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... [snaps his pointing stick] You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?

Hercule LaJoy

Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

Clouseau

What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.

Hercule LaJoy

How do you know that?

Clouseau

Instinct!

Hercule LaJoy

But the facts...

Clouseau

You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.

Hercule LaJoy

He beat her.

Clouseau

He was Spanish!

Hercule LaJoy

He tore her dress off.

Clouseau

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?

Hercule LaJoy

No, I suppose not.

Clouseau

No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.

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Clouseau

There is something... personal... in this?

Dreyfus

Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!

Clouseau

You want me to leave?

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Clouseau

Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.

Dreyfus

What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

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Dreyfus

He was shooting crows?

Françios

He was disguised as hunter to watch over the Ballon house.

Dreyfus

Give me ten men like Clouseau, and I could destroy the world. Where is he now?

Françios

I don't know. After I got his release, he received a phone call. He ran from his office yelling he had found the clue that would crack the case.

Dreyfus

This case is already so full of cracks one more won't make any difference. [breaks a cigar he was having with his fingers. He takes another and uses the cigar cutter] Françios.

Françios

Yes, commissioner?

Dreyfus

I just cut off my thumb.

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Dreyfus

[answers phone]

Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What? [laughs] ... My love. Kiss the children for me, hmm?

Dreyfus

[intercom buzzes]

Hold on. [covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom] Yes?

Intercom

Your wife is on the other line.

Dreyfus

Tell her I'm out of town.

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Dreyfus

[chuckles and whimpers]

He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor, and he gave them the story! You see, he claims she's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous. Jealous! That nincompoop! That megalomaniac! He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it!