Dopinder
I want to become a contract killer.
Deadpool
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Dopinder
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great blood?
Deadpool
You kind of killed him.
Dopinder
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
Deadpool
Don't want to.
Dopinder
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst!
Deadpool
...I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.
H Headmaster
All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption!
Cable
Let's see your soul, perv! [takes out a knife]
Deadpool
No! No! No! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him.
H Headmaster
The day of reckoning is here! [Dopinder suddenly runs over the headmaster in his taxi, followed by silence; Cable winces]
Deadpool
I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.
Dopinder
[steps out of the taxi, triumphantly]
Whoo!!! I'm the brown panther
Deadpool
I could hear you coming the last thirty seconds, I could barely keep a straight face! [laughs]
Dopinder
I want some more...!
Deadpool
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
Deadpool
Good call [To Negasonic and Yukio] You guys coming with us?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead
No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. Besides, we're X-Men.
Deadpool
No. You're X-People. [taps her on the nose]
Negasonic Teenage Warhead
You're x-hausting.
Deadpool
I see what you did there. Puns.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead
Our door's always open.
Deadpool
That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again, let alone two women.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead
God, you're a douche.
Yukio
[waving]
Bye, Wade!
Deadpool
[making a "butterfly" gesture]
Bye, Yukio.
Dopinder
I want to become a contract killer.
Deadpool
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Dopinder
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?
Deadpool
Err, you kind of killed him.
Dopinder
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
Deadpool
Don't want to.
Dopinder
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst!
Deadpool
...I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible. We're here.
Deadpool
[Dopinder stops the taxi; Deadpool steps out, and after a moment's thought, groans and leans back in through the window]
Dopinder? It's me again. Look, a saner man might discourage you from joining the deadly merc business, what with your concave chest and your paper towel tube arms. But you're an eagle, and goddammit, an eagle's gotta soar! You gotta grab those dreams, grab those dreams by the dick-tip and make it rain!
Dopinder
I don't know what that means.
Deadpool
Me neither!
Deadpool
[They both laugh]
I'm gonna see you — [taps his nose] Boop! — at the office. [under his breath, as he leaves] In the sky.
Dopinder
You're my Tom Cruise!
Deadpool
And you're my Kristen Dunst! [to himself] "Kristen"? "Kirsten"?
Weasel
Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy–[Walks in and sees Deadpool with Blind Al; gives a loud shout of shock]...why wouldn't you cover that up?
Deadpool
[Deadpool is shown with a toddler-sized lower half of his body, the hem of his shirt barely covering his groin]
A true warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
Weasel
Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you; you're just straight up shirt-cocking it toddler-style?
Deadpool
Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
BA Blind Al
What the hell's happening? Describe it.
Deadpool
[To Al]
I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you-
Weasel
It's like, um...
Deadpool
[quietly]
Here we go.
Weasel
It's like he was giving birth anally, but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and they said, "You know what? I'm done."
Deadpool
[To Al]
Happy?
Weasel
He's like a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a ****-
Dopinder
[Comes in]
Sorry, I'm late. I had to take care of the inventory–[Sees Deadpool] Aaaaahhhh! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.
Weasel
This has happened before? [Dopinder starts to gag] Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.
BA Blind Al
Why couldn't God take my hearing?
