Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011) quotes

View Quote Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.
Emily: I want a divorce.
Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.

View Quote Cal: I have children--plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn't supposed to tell you about either, but I did. Nice to meet you.
Kate: What were you supposed to tell me?
Cal: I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it's become corrupted. And I have 18 layers of clothes on. I'm wearing a shirt and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I'm just--it's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I'm--this--this sweater, this is called "slim cut", but it feels like a scuba suit. And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about?
Kate: You think I'm the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
Cal: That's what you picked up from what I just said?

View Quote Cal: I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates. At least, that's what my 13-year-old son tells me.
Emily: He's a really strange kid.
Cal: He scares the shit out of me.
Emily: I miss you too.

View Quote Hannah: [after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you still find me attractive?
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: Do you still want to take me home?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Let's go.

View Quote Hannah: Take off your shirt.
Jacob: Why?
Hannah: Please, can you take off your shirt, 'cause I can't stop thinking, and then you just...
Jacob: OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!
Hannah: All right! OK, OK, OK!
Jacob: [removes his shirt, revealing his six-pack abs] OK, OK, OK.
Hannah: ****! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Can I...?
[walks forward and touches Jacob's abs]
Jacob: Ahh! You have cold hands. Now you take off your dress.
Hannah: No.
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: No way. Not with all of that going on. No, thank you. Is there dim lighting somewhere?

View Quote Hannah: Why "Dirty Dancing"? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob: Do you know the big move at the end of "Dirty Dancing" where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob: I can do that.
Hannah: OK?
Jacob: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song "Time of My Life", I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me.
Hannah: [laughs] Oh my God, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Jacob: I agree, but it works every time.
Hannah: That would not work on me!

View Quote Jacob: [looking at Cal's shoes] Are you Steve Jobs?
Cal: What?
Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Cal: No.
Jacob: Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

View Quote Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.
Cal: Sexually?
Jacob: Yeah, no, I mean break-dance fighting.

View Quote Jacob: Permission to speak candidly, sir.
Cal: Uh, think you've already gone - there.
Jacob: You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you're gettin' drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl, and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. Honestly, I don't know if I should help you or I should euthanize you.

View Quote Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
Cal: [carefully looks at himself in the mirror and sighs] Yes, it is.

View Quote Jacob: What do you mean "what's my move"?
Hannah: What's your move? What's your big move?
Jacob: I got lots of moves.
Hannah: What's your "big" move?
Jacob: I'm not telling you my big move.
Hannah: Tell me your move!
Jacob: You're not ready for the big move.
Hannah: Yes, I am! I want your big move!
Jacob: You can't handle the big move, trust me.
Hannah: [shouts] Tell me your big move!
Jacob: I work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation.
Hannah: "Dirty Dancing"?
Jacob: Can I sit down, please?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob: Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah: No.

View Quote Jacob: You're adorable.
Hannah: No! I am sexy. I am R-rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right? I know. It's that I get really drunk and then I pass out. And you cover me with a blanket, and you kiss me on the cheek and nothing happens. But that's not why I'm here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
Jacob: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob.
Jacob: Are people still saying "bang"?
Hannah: Oh, I do. We are gonna bang!

View Quote Kate: As you know, Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth-grade English class. [gets up and writes on blackboard] Asshole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs. Weaver?
Emily: Yes, I am, and I've spoken to the Principal...
Kate: Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit, like the rest of them.
Emily: [looking at Cal] This is not about Robbie...
Kate: Asshole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous!
Emily: Ewww!

View Quote Robbie: If you love her, then go get her back.
Cal: Wow, how old are you?

View Quote I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...