Jacob quotes from Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011)

View Quote I'm going to help you find your manhood. Do you have any idea where you might have lost it?

View Quote I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.

View Quote The war between the sexes is over and we won, okay? We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise. But even though we won, they still deserve our respect. Make them feel beautiful, listen to their problems, open the door for them.

Scenes with Jacob

View Quote Jacob: Permission to speak candidly, sir.
Cal: Uh, think you've already gone - there.
Jacob: You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you're gettin' drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl, and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. Honestly, I don't know if I should help you or I should euthanize you.

View Quote Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
Cal: [carefully looks at himself in the mirror and sighs] Yes, it is.

View Quote Jacob: [looking at Cal's shoes] Are you Steve Jobs?
Cal: What?
Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Cal: No.
Jacob: Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

View Quote Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.
Cal: Sexually?
Jacob: Yeah, no, I mean break-dance fighting.

View Quote Hannah: [after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you still find me attractive?
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: Do you still want to take me home?
Jacob: Yeah.
Hannah: Let's go.

View Quote Jacob: You're adorable.
Hannah: No! I am sexy. I am R-rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right? I know. It's that I get really drunk and then I pass out. And you cover me with a blanket, and you kiss me on the cheek and nothing happens. But that's not why I'm here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
Jacob: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob.
Jacob: Are people still saying "bang"?
Hannah: Oh, I do. We are gonna bang!

View Quote Hannah: Take off your shirt.
Jacob: Why?
Hannah: Please, can you take off your shirt, 'cause I can't stop thinking, and then you just...
Jacob: OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!
Hannah: All right! OK, OK, OK!
Jacob: [removes his shirt, revealing his six-pack abs] OK, OK, OK.
Hannah: ****! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Can I...?
[walks forward and touches Jacob's abs]
Jacob: Ahh! You have cold hands. Now you take off your dress.
Hannah: No.
Jacob: Yes.
Hannah: No way. Not with all of that going on. No, thank you. Is there dim lighting somewhere?

View Quote Jacob: What do you mean "what's my move"?
Hannah: What's your move? What's your big move?
Jacob: I got lots of moves.
Hannah: What's your "big" move?
Jacob: I'm not telling you my big move.
Hannah: Tell me your move!
Jacob: You're not ready for the big move.
Hannah: Yes, I am! I want your big move!
Jacob: You can't handle the big move, trust me.
Hannah: [shouts] Tell me your big move!
Jacob: I work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation.
Hannah: "Dirty Dancing"?
Jacob: Can I sit down, please?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob: Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah: No.

View Quote Hannah: Why "Dirty Dancing"? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob: Do you know the big move at the end of "Dirty Dancing" where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob: I can do that.
Hannah: OK?
Jacob: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song "Time of My Life", I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me.
Hannah: [laughs] Oh my God, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Jacob: I agree, but it works every time.
Hannah: That would not work on me!

Other characters in Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011): Cal · Hannah · Emily · Robbie