Holland March
I work in a cesspool. Sex, more sex. My wife, she used to say I make a living off rumpy-pumpy. Whatever. She was English. I don't know what the **** it means either.
Played by Ryan Gosling 
The Nice Guys (2016) · 31 quotes
The Nice Guys (2016) · 31 quotes
**** Chet.
More lines from Holland March
8 quotes Holland March
Holland March
All right, which one of you ****-and-balls wants to make twenty bucks?
Holland March
That's what my daughter's got to deal with, the Chets of the world, and that **** kid.
Holland March
[intoxicated]
Hi everyone, I'm Amelia. She's about... [makes height gesture with his hand] Dark hair. Answers to... [sees topless mermaid swimming in pool] the call of the wild. Just kidding. I forgot her name, but you know, if you see you, just... if you see, let me know, and tell me... tell me my name.
Holland March
Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
Holland March
So you're telling me you made a porno where the point is the plot?
Holland March
You know who else was just following orders? Adolf Hitler.
Holland March
I think I'm invincible. It's the only thing that makes sense. I don't think I can die.
Scenes with Holland March
17 scenes Holland March
Jesus Christ! One at a time!
Janet
You took the Lord's name in vain.
Holland March
No I didn't, Janet. I found it very useful actually. Ok, Janet?
Holly March
[Healy is waiting outside]
Why don't we invite him in?
Holland March
No animals in the house, sweetheart.
1 Protestor
[March and Healy are looking for Amelia at a demonstration where a bunch of people are lying motionless on the steps of the city hall wearing gas masks]
We can't talk to you. We're dead.
March
No I— Yeah I get it. You know. I think it's very clever. I'm hip. But this is actually a really serious matter.
1 Protestor
So is this! We've all been killed!
March
No you haven't.
2 Protestor
**** you man, we're dead!
Bystander [smoking] They can't talk to you man, they're dead.
Healy
[to bystander]
What's the protest about, do you know?
Bystander
[to protesters]
Any of you know why you're protesting?
2 Protestor
The air!
Bystander
[to Healy]
Air.
March
You are protesting the air?
2 Protestor
The pollution! The birds can't breathe!
Healy
So all of you died 'cause of the pollution?
2 Protestor
[nodding]
Right.
Healy
What about the gas masks? They didn't... save you?
March
[when the guy can't answer Healy's question]
This is ****... Alright!
3 Protestor
[starts walking down and accidentally steps on a protester's hand] [screams in pain and pulls her hand]
****er!
March
Sorry. I thought you were dead.
Kid on Bike
You guys wanna see my dick?
March
Nobody wants to see your dick, dude.
Kid on Bike
20 bucks?
March
We already paid you 20... what am I saying?
Healy
So, you know the old lady, right? Did you believe her?
March
What about?
Healy
When she said she saw Misty alive that night, did you believe her?
March
God, no. She's blind as a bat.
Healy
Uh-huh.
March
She has actual coke bottles for glasses. You paint a mustache on a Volkswagen, she says, "Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast."
Holly March
Dad, there's like whores here and stuff.
Holland March
Sweetheart, how many times have I told you? Don't say "and stuff". Just say "dad, there are whores here".
Healy
The place reeks of marijuana. They're smoking it.
March
I can't smell.
Healy
What?
March
I got hit in the head a while back. I lost my sense of smell.
Healy
You can't smell?
March
Yeah.
Healy
You're a detective, and you can't smell?
March
Yeah.
Healy
Aw, this just keeps getting better and better.
March
Wow, that's really insensitive.
Healy
You didn't fall down the **** hill, did you? Did you fall down the hill?
March
I had, like, two, three drinks, tops.
Healy
Yeah, that's why you can't walk straight.
March
Oh, excuse me. I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face. So, I'm sorry I'm not Bakishnarov.
Healy
You can't even say Baryshnikov.
March
I was in the pool.
Healy
You were in the pool?
March
Yeah.
Healy
Why?
March
I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working?
Kuttner
My name is Judith Kuttner. I work for the Department of Justice.
March
Okay. Well, that explains basically nothing.
Healy
Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV. You're prosecuting that car company thing.
Kuttner
The lawsuit for the catalytic converter. Yes. That's half my day. The other half I spend on pornography.
Healy
Hmm.
March
What kind? Like which films? What's your favorite?
Healy
No, no. Uh, anti. Anti-porn.
March
Right.
Healy
Like a crusader.
Holly March
You're the world's worst detective.
Holland March
I'm the worst?
Holly March
Yeah!
Holland March
The world's worst?
Healy
John Boy. Oh, just something that Blueface mentioned, yeah.
March
What do you mean, he mentioned? Mentioned how?
Healy
Oh, you know, he... "There's a guy coming to kill you." That kind of crap. Yeah.
March
We should probably just stay here.
Healy
Smart move.
Healy
[pauses]
Unless, of course, he's up there killing her right now.
March
Nobody's getting killed at the Burbank Airport Hotel.
Healy
Because?
March
That would be national news.
Healy
Yeah, so?
March
Oh, so when's the last time you were on national news?
Healy
February.
March
Really?
Healy
Yeah.
March
For what?
Healy
I got shot, in a diner.
March
Where?
Healy
In my arm. I told you this last night.
March
We should call the cops.
Healy
No. It'll take too long.
March
You just said it was the right move to stay down here.
Healy
No, I said smart move. Different.
Holland March
[to Holly]
You're supposed to be at Jessica's.
Jessica
Yeah, sorry, Mr. March. My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over.
Holland March
Your sister's such a slut.
Jessica
Yeah, I know.
March
You seen Chet, the projectionist?
Buddy
Yeah, he just left like 10 minutes ago, went for a drink. And you are?
March
In a hurry. Thanks, buddy.
Buddy
How'd you know my name was Buddy?
March
Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Healy
People got hurt.
March
I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
March
[last lines]
To the birds?
Healy
Hallelujah!
