Ralphie [after cracking a secret code, reading it]
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!
Played by Peter Billingsley 
A Christmas Story (1983) · 48 quotes
A Christmas Story (1983) · 48 quotes
Tied for 2nd most-quoted character in A Christmas Story (1983): in 13 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Mr. Parker (6), Mrs. Parker (5), Schwartz (3)
"What I want for Christmas. What I want is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock... and this thing which tells time." Wow, that's great. "I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present."
Scenes with Ralphie
12 scenes Ralphie 
Flick Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick You're full of it!
Oh yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a triple-dare-you, and then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare-you and going right for the throat!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
Ralphie as Adult
[everyone stares at Ralphie] [narrating]
They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
Ralphie Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Ralphie Uh, um...
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
It's a clinker! That blasted, stupid funace.
[walks down the stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
Dadgummit! Damn skates! For Christ's sake, open up the damper, will you? Who the hell turned it all the way down again? Ah, blasted! You beast!
Ralphie (as an adult)
In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on. [mispronouncing] Uh, "fra-gee-lay." It must be Italian.
I think that says "fragile", honey.
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Ralphie (as an adult)
[hammer tapping and crowbar breaks at once]
Holy smokes, it was 6:45. Only one thing could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleamed in the window.
Radio
Who's the little chatterbox the one with pretty auburn locks? Who do you see? It's little orphan Annie!
Ralphie (as an adult)
:[The song is heard from outside.] Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. Brought to by rich, chocolatey ovaltine. I could still taste it.
Hey, you turned the light off!
Flick [During recess at school, Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and other kids are outside, standing beside the flagpole]
You're full of beans, and so is your old man.
Oh, yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Says who?
Flick Says me!
Oh, yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Well, I double-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important.
Flick Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.
That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick You're full of it!
Oh, yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Well I double dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
NOW it was serious. A double dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you"? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog-dare.
Flick [over narrator's voice]
This guy's really dumb.
I triple dog-dare ya! [Flick's smile turns to shock as it goes silent. Ralphie looks on shocked.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Hmm. Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!
Flick All right, all right.
Flick [tongue out]
I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.
Flick [puts his tongue on pole]
This is nothin'. [tries to pull off, but can't and realizes Schwartz was right.] Stuck? Stuck?! STUCK! STUCK! [he starts screaming and bawling at the top of his lungs in pain]
Jeez! It really works! Look at him!
Flick [the school bell rings and the students run back to the school except Flick, who keeps bawling]
Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me, come back!
Ralphie But the bell rang!
Well, what are we gonna do?!
Ralphie [unsure of how to respond or what to do]
I don't know, the bell rang!
Flick Don't leave me, come back! Come back, come back! [he bawls as he is still stuck to the pole]
[Randy runs first to the drawer, and Ralphie pushes him aside]
Come on, Ralphie, I got here first!
Ralphie Tough!
Ralphie [Randy starts kicking and hitting Ralphie from behind while Ralphie is at the dresser pulling a pair of socks out of the drawer and finishes]
Cut it out! [He leaves to put his Boy's Life Red Ryder magazine in his mother's magazine in their room]
Old Man
There we got it! [Laughs happily.]
Ralphie as Adult
[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it] [narrating]
Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ralphie Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
Ralphie Uh, um--
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
You know what your son just said?
No. What?
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.] [shocked]
RALPHIE!
Ralphie as Adult
[Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him] [narrating]
Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
Ralphie [disgusted]
Yuck!
You ready to tell me?
Ralphie [mumbles and nods his head.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie Schwartz!
Ralphie [yells indistinctly with soap in his mouth]
[dials Mrs. Schwartz]
Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[indistinguishable]
No. He said... [inaudibly whispers what her son said into the phone]
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
No! He heard it from your son!
What?! WHAT?!! WHAT?!! [is heard in the background smacking her son, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
[screams]
What'd I do, Mom?! What?! I didn't do nothin'! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls over the phone, and Mrs. Parker, visibly shocked by what she just heard, hangs up the phone.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrates]
Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
Oh, dear. [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it! [the door closes off-camera, she sighs, curiously looks at the soap, and slowly puts it in her own mouth, then takes it out in disgust]] Ew! [spits into the sink]
Ralphie as Adult
[Ralphie is lying in bed, eyes open, his cheeks stained with tears, silently crying and thinking] [narrating]
Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. There has never been a kid who didn't believe, vaguely but insistently, that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry. [Ralphie’s bottom lip goes out.]
[Ralphie begins to imagine a scenario where he has gone blind, returning home with a cane and a pair of sunglasses, knocking on the door with the cane]
Why, it's Ralph!
Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
Why... he's carrying a cane!
What is it, Ralph? What happened?
Why he's... blind!
Blind? Oh, my God!
Ralphie!
Ralph, is this something WE did?
What brought you to this lowly state?
Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
Ralphie Look, I can't.
Oh, please, Ralph.
Please.
I must know what we did. What brought you to this?!
Please.
Please... Please?
Ralphie It... it- it was...
Yes? ...Yes?
Ralphie Soap... poisoning! [The Old Man repeats it to himself quietly.]
Ralphie Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
I'll never forgive myself.
Ralphie Thanks, Mom. [She nods.]
I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!
[Ralphie smiles as his parents continue to wail. Back in reality, he smiles in bed.]
Shopper
Young man! Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going?!
Ralphie Going up to see Santa Claus.
Shopper
The line ends here. It begins there. [Points to the end of a very long line]
[admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap]
My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
Ralphie Not me.
Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
Ralphie Well, he can do it again.
You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
Ralphie Yeah.
No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Ralphie Yeah, pretty nice.
Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
Ralphie [thinking about not getting the BB gun]
Well, almost.
Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
Ralphie Yep.
Ralphie Where?
Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]
What did we put over there, honey?
Ralphie [opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun]
WOW!
[Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun] Ralphie as an Adult [narrating] Oh it was beautiful, I could hardly wait to try it out.
Ralphie Yeah. [loads gun]
C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
Ralphie [delighted]
Can I...Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?
Sure.
[reluctantly]
Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
But...I had one when I was eight years old.
What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
Except the Bumpuses' dogs!
Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!