There we got it! [Laughs happily.]

[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it] [narrating]

Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.

Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.

[narrating]

Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.

[stunned]

What did you say?

Uh, um--

That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.

[narrating]

It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

[Ralphie gets into the car.]

Everything go alright?

[Ralphie doesn't answer.] [closes the trunk and checks his watch]

Ah!

[Ralphie watches Mr. Parker get into the car]

8 minutes.

You know what your son just said?

No. What?

I'll tell you what he said. Randy?

[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.] [shocked]

RALPHIE!

[Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him] [narrating]

Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--

[disgusted]

Yuck!

You ready to tell me?

[mumbles and nods his head.]

[removes soap from his mouth]

All right. Where did you hear that word?

[narrating]

Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.

Schwartz!

[suspiciously]

Oh. I see. [she grimly puts the bar of soap back in Ralphie's mouth]

[yells indistinctly with soap in his mouth]

[dials Mrs. Schwartz]

Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

[indistinguishable]

No. He said... [inaudibly whispers what her son said into the phone]

[through phone]

No! Not THAT!

Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?

[through phone]

Probably from his father.

No! He heard it from your son!

What?! WHAT?!! WHAT?!! [is heard in the background smacking her son, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]

[screams]

What'd I do, Mom?! What?! I didn't do nothin'! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls over the phone, and Mrs. Parker, visibly shocked by what she just heard, hangs up the phone.]

[narrates]

Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.

Oh, dear. [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it! [the door closes off-camera, she sighs, curiously looks at the soap, and slowly puts it in her own mouth, then takes it out in disgust]] Ew! [spits into the sink]