Schwartz Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Played by R.D. Robb 
A Christmas Story (1983) · 48 quotes
A Christmas Story (1983) · 48 quotes
6th most-quoted character in A Christmas Story (1983): in 4 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Ralphie (3)
Scenes with Schwartz
4 scenes Schwartz 
Flick Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick You're full of it!
Schwartz Oh yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Schwartz Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a triple-dare-you, and then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare-you and going right for the throat!
Flick [During recess at school, Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and other kids are outside, standing beside the flagpole]
You're full of beans, and so is your old man.
Schwartz Oh, yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Schwartz Says who?
Flick Says me!
Schwartz Oh, yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Schwartz Well, I double-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important.
Flick Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.
Schwartz That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick You're full of it!
Schwartz Oh, yeah?
Flick Yeah!
Schwartz Well I double dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
NOW it was serious. A double dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you"? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog-dare.
Flick [over narrator's voice]
This guy's really dumb.
Schwartz I triple dog-dare ya! [Flick's smile turns to shock as it goes silent. Ralphie looks on shocked.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Hmm. Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!
Flick All right, all right.
Schwartz [Flick sighs and hesitantly sticks his tongue out]
Well, go on, smart-ass, and do it!
Flick [tongue out]
I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.
Flick [puts his tongue on pole]
This is nothin'. [tries to pull off, but can't and realizes Schwartz was right.] Stuck? Stuck?! STUCK! STUCK! [he starts screaming and bawling at the top of his lungs in pain]
Schwartz Jeez! It really works! Look at him!
Flick [the school bell rings and the students run back to the school except Flick, who keeps bawling]
Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me, come back!
But the bell rang!
Schwartz Well, what are we gonna do?!
Flick Don't leave me, come back! Come back, come back! [he bawls as he is still stuck to the pole]
Old Man
There we got it! [Laughs happily.]
Ralphie as Adult
[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it] [narrating]
Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
Uh, um--
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
You know what your son just said?
No. What?
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.] [shocked]
RALPHIE!
Ralphie as Adult
[Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him] [narrating]
Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
You ready to tell me?
[mumbles and nods his head.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
Schwartz!
[yells indistinctly with soap in his mouth]
[dials Mrs. Schwartz]
Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
Mrs. Schwartz [indistinguishable]
No. He said... [inaudibly whispers what her son said into the phone]
Mrs. Schwartz [through phone]
No! Not THAT!
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz [through phone]
Probably from his father.
No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz What?! WHAT?!! WHAT?!! [is heard in the background smacking her son, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
Schwartz [screams]
What'd I do, Mom?! What?! I didn't do nothin'! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls over the phone, and Mrs. Parker, visibly shocked by what she just heard, hangs up the phone.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrates]
Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
Oh, dear. [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it! [the door closes off-camera, she sighs, curiously looks at the soap, and slowly puts it in her own mouth, then takes it out in disgust]] Ew! [spits into the sink]
