Mrs. Parker
I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!
4th most-quoted character in A Christmas Story (1983): in 10 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Mr. Parker (5), Ralphie (5), Randy (2)
That is... The ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
More lines from Mrs. Parker
3 quotes
Mrs. Parker
You'll shoot your eye out!
Mrs. Parker
Well, put your arms down when you get to school.
Scenes with Mrs. Parker
6 scenesThanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on. [mispronouncing] Uh, "fra-gee-lay." It must be Italian.
I think that says "fragile", honey.
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Ralphie (as an adult)
[hammer tapping and crowbar breaks at once]
Holy smokes, it was 6:45. Only one thing could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleamed in the window.
Radio
Who's the little chatterbox the one with pretty auburn locks? Who do you see? It's little orphan Annie!
Ralphie (as an adult)
:[The song is heard from outside.] Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. Brought to by rich, chocolatey ovaltine. I could still taste it.
Hey, you turned the light off!
[Randy runs first to the drawer, and Ralphie pushes him aside]
Come on, Ralphie, I got here first!
Tough!
[Randy starts kicking and hitting Ralphie from behind while Ralphie is at the dresser pulling a pair of socks out of the drawer and finishes]
Cut it out! [He leaves to put his Boy's Life Red Ryder magazine in his mother's magazine in their room]
Old Man
There we got it! [Laughs happily.]
Ralphie as Adult
[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it] [narrating]
Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
Uh, um--
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
You know what your son just said?
No. What?
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.] [shocked]
RALPHIE!
Ralphie as Adult
[Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him] [narrating]
Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
You ready to tell me?
[mumbles and nods his head.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrating]
Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
Schwartz!
[yells indistinctly with soap in his mouth]
[dials Mrs. Schwartz]
Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[indistinguishable]
No. He said... [inaudibly whispers what her son said into the phone]
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
No! He heard it from your son!
What?! WHAT?!! WHAT?!! [is heard in the background smacking her son, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
[screams]
What'd I do, Mom?! What?! I didn't do nothin'! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls over the phone, and Mrs. Parker, visibly shocked by what she just heard, hangs up the phone.]
Ralphie as Adult
[narrates]
Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
Oh, dear. [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it! [the door closes off-camera, she sighs, curiously looks at the soap, and slowly puts it in her own mouth, then takes it out in disgust]] Ew! [spits into the sink]
Ralphie as Adult
[Ralphie is lying in bed, eyes open, his cheeks stained with tears, silently crying and thinking] [narrating]
Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. There has never been a kid who didn't believe, vaguely but insistently, that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry. [Ralphie’s bottom lip goes out.]
[Ralphie begins to imagine a scenario where he has gone blind, returning home with a cane and a pair of sunglasses, knocking on the door with the cane]
Why, it's Ralph!
Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
Why... he's carrying a cane!
What is it, Ralph? What happened?
Why he's... blind!
Blind? Oh, my God!
Ralphie!
Ralph, is this something WE did?
What brought you to this lowly state?
Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
Look, I can't.
Oh, please, Ralph.
Please.
I must know what we did. What brought you to this?!
Please.
Please... Please?
It... it- it was...
Yes? ...Yes?
Soap... poisoning! [The Old Man repeats it to himself quietly.]
Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
I'll never forgive myself.
Thanks, Mom. [She nods.]
I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!
[Ralphie smiles as his parents continue to wail. Back in reality, he smiles in bed.]
That's fine. Now, wait a minute. All right. Pull her in!
It is.
Well, the green string is out.
No, the green is on.
It's the blue that's out.
All right, boys. Upstairs.
[admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap]
My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
Not me.
Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
Well, he can do it again.
You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
Yeah.
No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Yeah, pretty nice.
Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
Yep.
Where?
Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]
What did we put over there, honey?
[opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun]
WOW!
[Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun] Ralphie as an Adult [narrating] Oh it was beautiful, I could hardly wait to try it out.
Yeah. [loads gun]
C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
Sure.
[reluctantly]
Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
But...I had one when I was eight years old.
What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
Except the Bumpuses' dogs!
Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!