Beethoven (1992) quotes

View Quote Alice: George, come on. Beethoven isn't even remotely dangerous. He'd never hurt the kids. He might take a bite out of you, though.
George: First snarl, first, any kind of weirdness and he's gone.
Alice: Weirdness? What should I watch for, hon? Wearing my clothes around the house?

View Quote Alice: I don't think words for parts of the body make very good names.
Emily: He's got one of those, I looked.
Alice: I'm sure he does. But I don't think Daddy would want to stand on the porch at night yelling that out.
Emily: But that's what you call Uncle Richard.

View Quote Devonia: [whilst playing the organ] You kids might be interested to know that I'm a featured performer Saturday nights at the Padded Zebra. [laughs]
[Ryce and Ted look out the window and notice Emily in the backyard pool]
Ryce: Oh, my gosh! Emily's in the pool!
Devonia: The POOL?!!

View Quote Devonia: Now, you were never in any real danger, now, were you? Now, we don't want you to get into trouble, so we'll let this be our little secret.
Ryce: I'd like to call my mother, please.
Devonia: Your mother?
Ryce: Immediately.
[after Emily's pool accident at Devonia's, Alice takes the kids home]
Devonia: She must've snuck out while I was watching Ted and Ryce. It was hot out, so I guess she wanted to take a little swim!
Alice: And where were you while all this was happening?
Devonia: I was where I was supposed to be: Inside, watching the other two. If Emily had stayed where I put her, none of this would've happened. If you ask me, what these children need is a little discipline.
Alice: What these children need is their mother. You're fired.
[Devonia gasps]
George: Honey, it was an accident!
Alice: So what?
George: We can't just throw out the option of having a babysitter just because we had a bad one. We'll find someone really responsible to look after the kids.
Alice: Over my dead body.
George: Oh, come on.

View Quote Dr. Varnick: Here for his shots?
George: Yes.
Dr. Varnick: Well, he'll be a little groggy this evening.
George: That'll be nice.

View Quote Dr. Varnick: Nice doggie. We’re gonna have a little field test of this new ammo. [prepares to shoot Beethoven] So long!
[George crashes through the skylight of Dr. Varnick's warehouse and lands on Harvey and Vernon, knocking them to the floor. He recovers Beethoven]
Dr. Varnick: [condescendingly] You're a very foolish man, Mr. Newton. You should've left well enough alone. [prepares to shoot George, but the little dog who Beethoven helped earlier in the film, runs over and bites Varnick's groin] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!! [accidentally fires a shot in the air. Back in the Newtons' car, the kids have heard the gun and are starting to panic]
Ryce: That was a gun!
Emily: Daddy!
Ryce: MOM, GET OVER HERE!!!!
Ted: There's no time!

View Quote Harvey: I really don't like it when you tease the dogs.
Vernon: What are you, some kind of animal lover?

View Quote [After George left for the vet, Harvey and Vernon taking Beethoven to the warehouse]
Vernon: Nice dog, huh, Doc? He's perfect for the animal experiment.
Dr. Varnick: Get everything ready. I'll be by in the morning. We'll do the test on him first thing.
Harvey: Sure thing.
[Meanwhile, at Dandy Pup Pet Supply Warehouse. Sparky wakes up, Harvey and Vernon capture Beethoven]
Harvey: Okay, good doggie. Good doggie. OK, close the door. Close the door.
[Vernon closes the door]
Vernon: I've got him. Come on!
[All dogs barking, when Harvey continues dragging Beethoven.]
Harvey: Good doggie. Come here, doggie. Come on!
[Vernon opens the cage door.]
Harvey: Okay, I got him. Good, good. I got him. Come on, doggie.
[Harvey still continues dragging Beethoven, but Harvey steps back to the cage door, but Vernon grabs him]
Vernon: Not you! Not you! The dog!
[Harvey walks out of cage, and he walks Beethoven to the cage]
Vernon: Put him in. Okay, you got him? In the cage. Get in.
[Harvey closes the door, Beethoven tries to get out, but he couldn't. Sparky barks at him. Then, all dogs barking, and Vernon shouts back]
Vernon: SHUT UP!! There. Doc will work on him first thing in the morning, and then he's one dead puppy.

View Quote [At the vet, Dr. Varnick has put the cash in the vault. Suddenly, he heard knocking on the door.]
Dr. Varnick: I'm terribly sorry.
Ryce: We want our dog back!
Emily: Where's Beethoven?
Alice: All right, kids, let Daddy handle this.
Dr. Varnick: Mr. Newton, what can I do for you?
Ryce: We want our dog back!
Dr. Varnick: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's too late. The dog's been destroyed.
Ryce: NO!
Ted: DAD!
George: Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I was told this wouldn't happen until tomorrow.
Ryce: [Angrily] I don't believe you!
[Dr. Varnick is fighting Ryce]
George: [Shouting] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Take your hands off her. What are you...
[George tries to stop the fight. He looked, and have no bite marks on Varnick's arm]
Emily: I told you he was lying!
George: What the hell are you trying to pull?!
[The Newton family rushes off into the cages]
Dr. Varnick: Wait! You can't come in here! This is private property!
Ted: Beethoven?!
[The Newton family tries to find Beethoven, because it's empty.]
Emily: [Gasps] He's not here!
[Dr. Varnick rushes into the cages]
Ryce: No, he's here.
Dr. Varnick: All right, hold it right there! You have no right to be in here! Out, all of you!
George: Where's my dog?
Dr. Varnick: I don't have to answer your questions. You ordered that dog destroyed, and it was done. Now get out.
[George grips Varnick's collar]
Dr. Varnick: You hit me, I'll have you put in jail for assault and battery!
[George lets go of Varnick. Then suddenly he punches him in the face, knocking him backwards into an empty animal cage.]

View Quote [Beethoven exiting the dog shed, and heading to entrance door, and eating the cookie, and he went to the lounge room and turns on the TV.]
News Reporter: In the third such occurance this month. In the past year, we've seen a 500% increase reporting innocence of stolen pets. Police believe in animal kidnapping ring is at work. That's Newsbreak, and now back to The Wolf Man.
Alice: Do you hear something?
George: No.
Alice: I heard something downstairs.

View Quote [George sits on the porch after Beethoven has given Brad and Brie a well-deserved ride down the street, thereby nullifying their deal with George]
George: I really don't like our dog.
Alice: I really don't like those people, George. I don't trust them. I don't want their money. I know my opinion doesn't matter, but I'm not interested in expanding. If I had been home instead of helping you impress those morons, Emily wouldn't have fallen in the pool. And I'm not re-entering the work force, George. You're gonna have to do this on your own. And you will. Somehow, you'll make your fortune. And tucked away behind you deep in the shadows will be me and the kids.
George: That's how you see me. Suddenly, I'm a lousy husband and father. Everything was just fine until Beethoven came into our lives. I've tried to be patient, but I've had it. The dog has to go.
Alice: I'm proud of Beethoven. Those two idiots insulted your kids, they treated me like dirt, and he was the only one of us who had the nerve to give them the ride they deserved. I'm going to bed. [heads back inside]
George: My dream is going down the drain, and you're worried about a dog.
Alice: Your family's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dream.

View Quote No matter how many showers I take, I still smell Beethoven all over me.

View Quote This is ridiculous! It's a dog. He doesn't have preferences! You could call him Ding-Dong Head and he wouldn't know the difference.