View Quote
Andy: [referring to his shirt] Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?
Cal: No. What's Curious George like in real life?
Cal: No. What's Curious George like in real life?
View Quote
David: You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!
View Quote
[at the Date-A-Palooza]
Girl: Hi!
Andy: Hi, how are you?
Girl: I'm fine.
Andy: Are you fine?
Girl: Yeah.
Andy: You're fine then.
Girl: Are you ****in' ret***ed?! What the hell's the matter with you?!
Andy: Do you want me to be ****in' re***ded?
Girl: Hi!
Andy: Hi, how are you?
Girl: I'm fine.
Andy: Are you fine?
Girl: Yeah.
Andy: You're fine then.
Girl: Are you ****in' ret***ed?! What the hell's the matter with you?!
Andy: Do you want me to be ****in' re***ded?
View Quote
Cal: Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
Andy: I'm a virgin.
Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
Cal: Then you punch her in the ****in' head if she laughs!
Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
Cal: No, you punch her in the ****in' head emotionally.
Andy: I'm a virgin.
Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
Cal: Then you punch her in the ****in' head if she laughs!
Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
Cal: No, you punch her in the ****in' head emotionally.
View Quote
Ebay store customer: So, I guess I'll just give you some money, and you can give me these shoes and--
Trish: You know, I know it seems so strange--
Ebay store customer: Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
Trish: Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--
Ebay store customer: I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.
Trish: You know, I know it seems so strange--
Ebay store customer: Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
Trish: Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--
Ebay store customer: I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.
View Quote
Operator: Hotline.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.
View Quote
Jay: Dude, are you gay?
Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to **** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who **** guys, in jail.
Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to **** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who **** guys, in jail.
View Quote
Jay: Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
Andy: I drive a bike.
Jay: Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****ing-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy: You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal: Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're ****ing six!
Andy: I drive a bike.
Jay: Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****ing-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy: You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal: Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're ****ing six!
View Quote
[after kissing Andy while driving drunk]
Nicky: That tasted good!
Andy: That tasted like shellfish.
Nicky: That tasted good!
Andy: That tasted like shellfish.
View Quote
[at a bachelorette party]
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty ****er!
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty ****er!
View Quote
[Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
Andy: It's going to happen.
Beth: That's why we are here.
Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
Andy: But, if I want to what?
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But what? What?
Beth: Do it.
Andy: Do it?
Beth: What?
Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But, what?
Beth: What?
Andy: But, it still feels so right.
Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
Andy: It's going to happen.
Beth: That's why we are here.
Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
Andy: But, if I want to what?
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But what? What?
Beth: Do it.
Andy: Do it?
Beth: What?
Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But, what?
Beth: What?
Andy: But, it still feels so right.
View Quote
[the night after Jay gets Andy a hooker who turns out to be a transvestite]
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.
View Quote
It's not about the shit stained balls, and the dirty sanchez!