Woody Allen movie quotes

View Quote [to Annie] You are extremely sexy, unbelievably sexy...You know what you are, you're polymorphously perverse...you're exceptional in bed because you got - you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch it...Like the tip of your nose, and if I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps...you get excited.

View Quote The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious - and it goes like this. I'm paraphrasing. I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

View Quote You know, even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.

View Quote Wow, every worker in the colony is here. Hey, wait a minute. That guy owes me money. I've got to believe there's someplace better for me. Otherwise I'll just curl up into a larval position and weep. I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my - my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you? Let's be real about this. Bala and I... Bala is a princess, and I'm a soil relocation engineer. There you have it: your average boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-the-underlying-social-order story. Handling dirt is not my idea of a rewarding career. Okay, I've gotta give myself a positive attitude. A good attitude even though I'm utterly insignificant. I'm, I'm insignificant... but with attitude. [mocking the scout] Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete. And, y'know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it. We rebuilt the colony; better than before, because now we have a very large indoor swimming pool. Think about it, Bala. Do you really want to be Mrs. Raving Lunatic?

View Quote Ladybug: This tastes just like crap.
Beetle: Really? Let me try some. Hey, it is crap. Not bad.
Mosquito: What if, like, we're just these tiny things... and we're just, like, part of this whole other huge universe...that's, like, so big we don't even know it exists?
Ladybug: Man, that is so deep.
Bala : Excuse me. I guess you didn't recognize me. My name is Princess Bala. I've been traveling, and I'm all... schlumpy.
Chip: It's worse than I thought. They're Euro-trash.
Bala : Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Z: Well, maybe, then again, maybe not, and then again... yowch.
Bala : That's it. You're the guy from the bar.
Z: Shhh.
Queen: Bar? What bar?
Bala : I... danced with this guy at the bar the other night. He was just a worker, then.
Queen: What were you doing at a bar?
General Mandible: Precisely what I want to know.
Bala : No. This isn't about me. I mean, Look at this worker. Look what he's done.
Z: I think - I think you're thinking of someone else. After all, I am a soldier.
Bala : Exactly. You WERE a worker, but now you're a war hero.
Queen: He's a worker?
General Mandible: A worker danced with my fiance?
Z: F-fiance? Hey, w-wait a minute. Th-this is not how it looks. I-I can explain this... hey, SHE was the one making all the moves.
Bala : Don't you get it? I chose you because you were the most pathetic bug in the joint.
Z: You know, I was going to let you become a part of my most erotic fantasies, but now you can just write it off.
Bala : I've been kidnapped by the village idiot.
Z: Who's the bigger idiot? The idiot, or the idiot who gets kidnapped by the idiot?
Z: Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night?
Bala : I guess I was looking for a little trouble.
Z: Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.
Weaver: Z, I've known you for a long time, right?
Z: Definitely; you were born two seconds after me.
Weaver: And ever since I've known you, all you do is complain; what are you bitching about? If you haven't noticed, us ants are runnin' the show. We're the lords of the Earth!
Z: Hey. Don't talk to me about "Earth", 'cause I just spent my day hauling it around.

View Quote [the title card appears]
Man: Ground floor.
Ant: Uh, worker. Soldier. Worker.
Worker Ant: Let's try it again. Firm grip. Swing hard. Back straight. Concentrate. Follow through.
Z Marion-4195: Okay. I've got to keep a positive attitude. A good attitude, even though I'm utterly insignificant. [grabs an ax] I'm-I'm insignificant, um, but with attitude.
Azteca: Oh, sorry, Z. I didn't see you.
Z Marion-4195: Great, Azteca. It's working already. I'm so meaningless, I'm invisible. [he tries to get the ax out]
Azteca: [laughing] Now, you're getting it. [takes the ax out] After all, it's not about you. It's about us, the team. It's about this.
Z Marion-4195: Uh, a giant hole in the ground?
Foreman: Okay, people. Are we feeling good?
All: Yeah!
Z Marion-4195: Yeah.
Foreman: Great! Now, R-1734 through Z-7829, you guys are on wrecking ball.
Azteca: You got it.
Z Marion-4195: Swell. You got it.
Worker Ant: All right, swing time! Let's get physical!
Worker Ant: I love this job!
Worker Ant: Let's go!
Z Marion-4195: Now, remember, Azteca, "Be the ball." That's the main thing. Now, remember that. You know, got to be one with the ball.
Azteca: Would you cut it out already? Jeez. I love my work. And you, well... You think too much. Come on, Z. Help us build a bigger, better colony. And, for crying out loud, try to be happy about it.
Z Marion-4195: Sure, you know. [nervous chuckle] I mean, how could I possibly be unhappy being a piece of construction equipment?
Foreman: Okay, workers, remember.
Z Marion-4195: Here it comes.
Foreman: Be the ball.
Z Marion-4195: [groans]
Foreman: Let the energy flow through you!
Z Marion-4195: Grin and bear it. This is... This is for the colony. Ow! This is... This is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Worker Ant: Hang on, here we go!
Worker Ant: Faster!
Worker Ant: Higher!
Z Marion-4195: Did I happen to mention that heights make me nauseous?
Worker Ant: No.
Worker Ant: This is a ball! Hey!
Azteca: Oh, Z.
Z Marion-4195: Yes. Yes. I understand. I dropped the ball.

View Quote You shouldn't ask me for advice. When it comes to relationships with women, I'm the winner of the August Strindberg Award.

View Quote You rely too much on the brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

View Quote Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

View Quote Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'll take air conditioning.

View Quote All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

View Quote The two most important things are the work you choose and sex.

View Quote Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, Hitler?

View Quote You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.

View Quote We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there.

View Quote [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

View Quote Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

View Quote With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!

View Quote I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."

View Quote When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be.

View Quote Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

View Quote A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might've stopped me - might've - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath.

View Quote Mickey: Why all of a sudden is the sketch dirty?
Ed Smythe: Child molestation is a touchy subject, and the affiliates...
Mickey: Read the papers, half the country is doing it!
Ed Smythe: Yes, but you name names.
Mickey: We never - We don't name names, we say "the Pope"!

View Quote Gail: Two months ago, you thought you had a malignant melanoma.
Mickey: Naturally, I, I- Do you know I- The sudden appearance of a black spot on my back!
Gail: It was on your shirt!
Mickey: I- How was I to know? Everyone was pointing back here.

View Quote [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher, under hypnotism] I'm 12 years old. I run into the synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life, but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

View Quote [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher] I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.

View Quote [to Dr. Eudora Fletcher] My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister, my brother, and me. My mother beat my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The neighbors beat our family. The family down the street beat the neighbors and our family.