Walk of Shame 2014 quotes

Lady, what are you doing with my bike?

Meghan

I'm really, really sorry. But I'm gonna need to borrow your bike. I got to get to my car. I got to get my life back. Have you ever had one of those days... where everything you do just goes wrong? And no matter how hard you try or how good your intentions, life just keeps beating, beating you down, huh? Well, I could really use a friend right now. So if you just let me borrow your bike, I'll have it back to you in no time. Really, I promise. It would just be so great if you could help me out.

Okay.

Meghan

Oh, kid. You're an angel.

Show me your boobs and I'll let you borrow my bike. Boobies.

Meghan

I had higher hopes for you. Yeah, let's go. Get over here. Come on. All right, get in close. Close your eyes first. [Pushes boy in the forehead and rides away on bike] I'm calling your mother!

Denise

He is lying to us, there is no subway in Los Angeles.

Gordon

Yes, there is!

Denise

Where? How come I've never seen it?

Gordon

It's underground.

Are you trying to bribe me?

Meghan

No.

That's a shame. You know, I'm thinking Quiznos for lunch today.

Meghan

How much?

$500.

Meghan

Quiznos does not cost $500!
...

Meghan

****!... This!

Meghan

Yeah! Suck it, lady!

Meghan

Come on. Go. Come on. Go. Come on. Go, go, go, go. Come on. Come on. No, no, no, no, no.

Gordon

I know you. You're stuck again.

Meghan

You gonna--

Gordon

Hi. I'm Gordon. I'm-- From last night. How you doing?

Meghan

How you doing?

Meghan

But I didn't do anything wrong.

Sergeant Dave

Really? You haven't done anything wrong? What, are you going out to get some eggs? Just wrapping up your paper route? It's time to grow up.

Meghan

Hey, I don't wanna waste anyone's time. I'm gonna assume that you're a crack dealer. And, um, I was wondering if you wanted a little more...

A little more what?

Meghan

A little more crack. You know, like, maybe I could cash it in for some money.

You wanna sell me crack?

Meghan

Well, I technically don't wanna sell it because I think that that's wrong. But I was hoping that maybe make a return or something.

Oh. Okay. A return. Yeah. You got the receipt? The, Uh, or maybe the box it came in?

Meghan

Oh, come on, man, I just have the crack.

Oh, you just got the crack?

Meghan

Yeah, that's all I have. And I just thought, you know, you could add it to your stash...

Uh-huh.

Meghan

...give me, like, 10 bucks, and then you can sell it for more, and that's good business.

You don't walk into McDonald's with your own hamburgers... and try to sell it to 'em. You know why? Because they already got their own hamburgers. They're not gonna look at your hamburgers and be like, "Oh, shit. She's got hamburgers. That looks like a good deal. Maybe I could buy 'em, turn around and sell 'em for twice as much."

Meghan

Crack is all the same, right? It's just this little thing.

Put that shit away. What the **** you doing, trying to set me up?

Meghan

I'm saying that it would be very easy to pass off as your own crack. It's probably all from the same place, isn't it? I technically got it from Pookie who, I'm sure, got it from Scrilla.

Scrilla?

Meghan

Yeah, yeah. It's his crack.

You wanna unload Scrilla's shit on my corner, pass it off as my own? You got a death wish, lady? Yo, Ladeke! [Whistles]

Meghan

What?! Who's Ladeke?! [Starts running]

Deal with this shit! School this bitch right now! [To Meghan] You're in the wrong territory! This is the Figueroa Crew, man!

Meghan

I'm going!

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not done with you!

Meghan

I'm getting on the bus! [Runs after bus]

Come back here, man. You wanna disrespect me? Yo, Ladeke, what am I, a sparrow? When I whistle, you got to respond!

Meghan

Pookie, I can't take your crack.

It's worth about $10 on the street. But don't smoke it. It normally doesn't end well, at least for me.

Meghan

Pookie, I cannot take your crack.

No. No, no. I insist. Please. When a crackhead gives you his crack, you have his heart right there. Just remember, shout out your boy Pookie next time you're on air, okay?

Meghan

Um, okay. [Starts walking away]

And don't forget to shout out Scrilla and Hulk--

Meghan

Yup. [Continues walking]]

and Skip, Skip-a-doo, Treezy, B-Bow-- not to be confused with G-Bow-- Little Markeese and also my Uncle Joseph.

Meghan

Sure. [Continues walking]

He's locked down in Chino.

Meghan

Okay. [Continues walking]

Oh, and Meghan Miles?

Meghan

Yeah? [Really far away]

Be well.

Meghan

Be well too. [Continues walking]

Officer Walter

You saw this little in the yellow dress steal your bike?

She was really scary.

Sergeant Dave

You got a good look at her?

Yeah. She had these, like, crazy eyes.

Officer Walter

All right, kid. Come with us. Hop in. We'll do a ride-along, okay?

But when we find her, I want five minutes alone with her, okay?

Sergeant Dave

Not okay, creepy kid. Get in the back. Be happy that you're coming. Just concentrate on apprehending the perp.
...

Hey, driver, you got to go faster. We have to find the bike.

Sergeant Dave

It's "Officer."

"Driver"?

Sergeant Dave

What, your dad rich or something?

My dad's taxes pay your bills. Find the bike.

Sergeant Dave

Kid, if you don't shut up, I'm going to drop you off right on this corner.

God, I just want to find my bike!

Sergeant Dave

And I just want to be **** fishing!
[Stolen bike boy sobbing] ...

Officer Walter

Oh, come on. There you go. You've really hurt his feelings now.

Sergeant Dave

Well, the kid's an asshole.
...

Sergeant Dave

What are you smoking?

Officer Walter

It's an e-cig.

Sergeant Dave

Fake cigarette. That's dumb.

Well, I smoke weed!

Sergeant Dave

Great. Now we have to arrest you.

No. I was kidding.

Sergeant Dave

Well, you're already in the back.

Shame.

Meghan

Are-- Are you talking to me?

Have you no shame?

Meghan

I don't know who you think you are, Judgey Judgey Judgeyson,
...

Why don't you get your pimp to drive you? These are good people!

Meghan

Oh, I'm sorry. I missed the sign "good people only." How do you know what is in my soul?
...

Listen. I'm gonna give you some advice.

Meghan

Sure.

You might wanna think about another line of work, 'cause you ain't no good at this. If you ain't even got $1.50, you probably should think about retiring as a whore. And if you do scrape up $1.50, use it to buy yourself a sandwich. That's the reason you can't turn no tricks-- 'cause you ain't got no meat on your bones. Now, that advice was free.
[Bus driver maces Meghan, she runs off the bus, slams into a metal sliding and falls down, with the bus driver bowing to applauding bus riders]

Rose

Denise, four-point douche test. Go.

Gordon

What?

Denise

Have you ever been to a strip club?

Gordon

Yes, but they make me uncomfortable.

Denise

What do you call your penis?

Gordon

My penis.

Denise

That's hot.

Rose

Denise, Focus.

Denise

Sorry. How do you feel about Robert Pattinson?

Gordon

Not my favorite actor.

Denise

You shut your mouth.

Gordon

Okay.

Denise

Can I get a "whoop, whoop"?

Gordon

Whoop, whoop.

Denise

No. Don't ever do that again.

Denise

Kill an innocent dog or cheat on your girlfriend?

Gordon

Cheat on my girlfriend. I'm not going to kill an innocent dog. That's sick.

Denise

You passed.

Rose

I can't wait to get my drink on. And get my dance on. And... Just those two things. Denise.

Denise

What?

Rose

Meghan. Meghan! Meghan Miles. Either she's not home or she's ignoring us.

Denise

Or she's incapacitated, tied up... or maybe she had a stroke or a seizure or something.

Rose

Denise, this is Brentwood. Nothing bad ever happens in Brent... Oh, my God, O.J. Simpson. I just remembered that. Yeah.

Denise

Meghan! It's open.

Rose

Honey, you are not back on the farm in Texas. You cannot just leave your door unlocked.

Meghan

Hey, party girls. What's up? What do you want to drink? I have tap water. Wait.

Rose

Wait, what's going on? Where's Kyle?

Meghan

He's at the supermarket.

Rose

And, um, where's all your stuff?

Meghan

Oh. Um... Kyle took it all to the supermarket. The supermercado. He's gone. He, um... He said he didn't know who I was anymore, and then he left and he took everything.

Rose

That's so weird. When is he coming back? Why did you not tell us?

Meghan

I don't know. I'm sorry. Rosie, I just...

Rose

Yeah, but, honey, we're your friends. We're not gonna judge you.

Meghan

Hang on. It's Dan.

Meghan, don't freak out, but they're going with Wendy Chang. Meghan, are you okay?

Meghan

Chang!

Denise

This is such a terrible time for Kyle to not be here.

Rose

Denise, shut up.

Meghan

They gave it to Wendy Chang. She's an anchor in San Francisco.

Rose

There you go, honey. That's a diversity hire. Asian. What can you do about that?

Meghan

She's not even Asian. She's adopted. She has red **** hair. I'm sorry. That was mean. Good for her. No.

Rose

Screw Chang. You are the best.

Denise

Yeah. No one reads the news like you, Meghan.

Rose

We're going to sit down and come up with a plan to fix your life. Okay, guys, no more pity party.

Meghan

It's fine.So go. I'll be fine. I'm just gonna stay here and catch up on Idol.

Rose

No! We're not gonna leave you here. You don't even have your dog.

Meghan

Technically, it was Kyle's dog.

Denise

Who cares? Forget it. Get a cat.

Meghan

Ew. That's gross. Cats hate me.You know that.

Denise

People say cats are clean, but they're really filthy.

Meghan

I am sorry, okay? Whatever.

Rose

I'm gonna take you to a club, you're gonna meet some young stupid hot guy, and you're gonna take all your anger and aggression out on his penis.

Meghan

I don't know, I don't do that with penises. I'm more of a relationship type of girl.

Rose

We're taking you out. Come on. Let's go.

Denise

Fine, but I'm wearing these sweatpants.

Rose

No. You're gonna wear something slutty, like Denise.

Denise

I don't own anything slutty like Denise.

Rose

Denise, give Meghan your dress.

Denise

But...

Rose

No buts. You can wear one of her pantsuits.

Denise

Ew. Ew.
...

Meghan

Why is it so loud in here?

Rose

Isn't it great? This is what you need.

Meghan

Shots time. Already?

Rose

Yup, that's right. Throw it back. Unless you're too soft.

Rose

You better be telling the truth, psycho, because I will out-psycho you. And if you hurt Meghan, I will reign **** fury down on you.

Gordon

Relax. Where do you live?

Rose

Where the **** is that?

Gordon

It's downtown near the Sixth Street bridge.

Rose

People live there?

Gordon

Yeah. I do.

Why the hell would KZLA's Meghan Miles be sucking dick for crack in our 'hood?

Meghan

No, no, I'm not sucking dick for crack.

What you're sucking dick for then?

Meghan

Nothing!

That shit's free?

Sergeant Dave

Ma'am, did you see a woman in a yellow dress get on that helicopter?

Denise

I saw Meghan Miles, undercover investigator for KZLA, get on a helicopter.

Officer Walter

Wait. The woman we're chasing is just a reporter? Dear God, it's worse than we ever imagined. The hooker has infiltrated the media, where she's posing as KZLA's Meghan Miles.

Denise

What do you mean, she's infiltrated the media?

Rose

So, you're saying that our best friend Meghan is an undercover hooker?

Officer Walter

It looks that way.

Sergeant Dave

So, you have an idiot friend too?

Rose

Yeah. Mine's by choice. You got stuck with this guy, right?

Sergeant Dave

Do not approach the vehicle. Ma'am, what you're doing is the opposite... of not approaching the vehicle.

Officer Walter

Don't be on your knees. Off his streets and grow the **** up, okay?