Victoria quotes from Victor/Victoria (1982)

Victoria

You know, pretending to be a man does have its disadvantages.

Victoria

In spite of what you think, Monsieur Labisse, there are professions where practice *does* make perfect. [she hits a high note, causing Labisse's wine glass to shatter, and leaves angrily]

Labisse

What in hell was that?

Toddy

B flat.

Hotel Manager

You promised to pay me on Tuesday, then on Wednesday, then on Thursday...

Victoria

What's that?

Hotel Manager

What?

Victoria

Spaghetti?

Hotel Manager

Uh, yes, with meatballs.

Victoria

I'll sleep with you for a meatball.

Hotel Manager

You would?

Victoria

Oh, missed your chance. [faints]

Victoria

The bourguignon was just a little tough.

Waiter

Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.

Toddy

Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?

Victoria

This is all they have.

Toddy

This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!

Waiter

How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.

Toddy

Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.

Waiter

I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.

Toddy

It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

Waiter

And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.

Toddy

You know it's very strange. At the club I thought you were just about at the end of your rope.

Victoria

Oh, I was. I am! This is the first decent meal I've had in almost four days.

Toddy

And you can't pay for it?

Victoria

Caseé!

Toddy

And you want me to have dinner with you?

Victoria

I want you to have the best damn dinner you ever had. Have two! I started off with the roast chicken and I segued to boeuf bourguignon, it's anybody's guess what I could end up with.

Toddy

Oh, I'd guess about thirty days.

Victoria

If all goes well, I expect to leave here poor, but sated. I have a (lowers voice to a whisper) a bug in my purse. At the appropriate moment it goes in my salad.

Toddy

It'll never work.

Victoria

A bug in my salad?

Toddy

In a place like this, it would be an event if there wasn't a bug in your salad.

Victoria

What about a... cockroach?

Toddy

A cockroach!

Victoria

Shhh! Bigger than your thumb!

Toddy

Ew, God!

Victoria

Men have Adam's apples.

Toddy

So do some women.

Victoria

Name one.

Toddy

Nana Lanu.

Victoria

Nana Lanu, who's she?

Toddy

The last woman I slept with.

Victoria

When was that?

Toddy

The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexual.

I don't care if you are a man. [kisses Victoria]

Victoria

I...I'm not a man.

I still don't care. [Victora kisses him right back]