Mike Peters Eat, eat, you **** jackals!
Played by Jon Favreau 
Swingers (1996) · 84 quotes
Swingers (1996) · 84 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Swingers (1996): in 44 of its 84 quotes
Most scenes with: Answering Machine (25), Trent Walker (16), Sue (6)
'll have a scotch on the rocks. Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course.
More lines from Mike Peters
18 quotes Mike Peters Mike Peters Well, we're not in Kansas anymore.
Mike Peters Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know?
Mike Peters I took out $300, but 'm only betting with $100. I can't afford any more than that, all right? Now, I figure if we buy a lot of chips, the pit boss will comp us lots of free shit. That's how it works over there.
Mike Peters That was so **** money. That was like the Jedi mind shit.
Mike Peters Like a Las Vegas waitress is going to get an obscure French philosophical reference. It's like 'm trying to show off to her. I may as well have said 'let me jump your ignorant bones'.
Mike Peters This is Trent; we call him 'Double Down'.
Mike Peters You tell a chick you been some place: it's like braggin' that you know how to find it.
Mike Peters A Cavalier. It's red. It's a red Cavalier.
Mike Peters God bless you guys.
Mike Peters Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.
Mike Peters I got an agent who specializes in magicians.
Mike Peters Yo, Double Down, what time are we leaving?
Mike Peters That's my hog, right there.
Mike Peters That's not gonna be good enough. I want to make plans to see you.
Mike Peters 've been here for six months; all 've got to show for it is black lung.
Mike Peters How about if I wait six weeks? Tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and just happened to run into her number, I can't remember where we met. I'll ask her what she looks like and then I'll ask her if we ****. T, would that be the money?
Mike Peters I'll have a Scotch on the rocks, please. Any Scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course. Single malt, Glenlivet, Glenfiddich perhaps, maybe a Glen Gow... . Any Glen.
Scenes with Mike Peters
25 scenes
Back in the day this place was a real contender, but now they'll appreciate the business. Probably fall all over themselves for a couple of high class guys like me and you. You want to be fresh on the scene, right?
Mike Yeah I know, but......
Aw, Mike. You don't want all that ****in' Pirates-of-the-Caribbean horseshit or the rock-n-roll grunge tip. Guys like you and me gotta kick it here, old school.
Mike Now the trick is, we gotta look like we don't need this shit, and then they give us the shit for free.
Right, right, right. Well you know I think you look great, man, and I think I'm looking like the money, like the bomb, right?
Mike See that, that there table, thats where we make our scene.
You think that they'd notice me and you?
Mike Ahh, they're going to notice me and you, because they're watching.
So, what'd you think of that Dorothy girl?
Mike The whole Judy Garland thing kinda turned me on. Does that make me some kind of ****?
No, baby, you're money.
Look, you take yourself out of the game, you start talking about puppy dogs and ice cream, of course its going to end up on the friendship tip.
Mike I just don't think she liked me.
Baby you are so money and don't even know it.
Mike [at a crowded bar]
We're gonna go to a party in the Hills, you wanna go?
Yeah...this place is dead anyway.
See man, T can't roll with that, she's Business class..
Business class ?
Big butt you know, can't fly coach.
Mike You guys are terrible.
Mike Do you think we'll get there by midnight?
Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!
Mike What the **** are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.
Anaheim.
Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.
Mike ****in'-a right it's not like New York, out here you can avoid trouble. In New York trouble finds you.
People get carjacked.
Who's gonna carjack your ****in' K-Car? He's right, Sue, you don't need to carry a gat!
Those guys are right. You're money.
Mike Then why won't she call?
She won't call because you left. She's got her own life to deal with and that's in New York. She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces, but **** her, man. You got to get on with your life. You've got to let go of the past Mikey, and when you do, the future is beautiful. Alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it. We're here. And everything that is past is prologue to this, all the shit that didn't kill us is only - ya know, all that shit... You're gonna get over it.
Mike How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take you?
I don't know, man. Sometimes it still hurts. I don't know, man. It's like you wake up every day and it hurts a little less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And it's like, and this might sound a little weird, but it's like you almost miss that pain.
Mike You miss the pain?
Yeah. For the same reason you miss her... Because you lived with it for so long.
[playing a hockey video game]
I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne.
Mike What? They don't have fighting anymore?
Doesn't that suck?
Mike Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version.
I think kids were hittin' each other or somethin', man.
Yeah but you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed in this one.
Mike Make somebody's head bleed.
No man, we're in the playoffs.
I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here.
Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.
Mike That was so demeaning.
She smiled, baby.
Mike I can't believe what an asshole you are.
Did she, or did she not smile.
Mike She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
She was smiling at how money I am, baby.
Mike Hi, how are you ladies doing this evening?
Girl at the Party
What do you drive?
Mike You shouldn't be sorry, you're a winner. I'm the **** loser. I'm the one who should be sorry.
Baby don't talk that way.
Mike Can we just go, please, can we go?
Baby look at me, look at me. You're money, and you know what else? You're a big winner tonight.
Mike I want to leave.
You're a big winner. I'm gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.
I'm gonna find me two waitresses here and I'm gonna pull me a Fredo.
Mike Yeah, well they're all skanks.
What are talking about? Look at all the beautiful babies here.
Mike The beautiful babies don't work the midnights-to-six on a Wednesday. This is the skank shift.
Look at all the beautiful honeys here.
Mike So how long do I wait to call?
A day.
Mike Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, then a day.
Yeah.
Mike So two days?
Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.
But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...
Mike Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Then ask her where you met her.
Mike Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we ****. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?
You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
Mike Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Six days.
Mike Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I'm gonna tell you something T. Are you listening?
Yeah, I'm listening.
Mike I'm not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It's like, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to ****in' puke!
Mike Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
You don't call.
Mike But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Right.
Mike So I don't call either way?
Right.
Mike So what's the difference?
There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Right.
Mike Well that sucks.
Yeah, it sucks.
Mike So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike What do you mean?
I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike Well what if she comes back first?
Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike There's the rub.
There's the rub.
[bemoaning his audition for role of Goofy at Disney Land]
Why does it have to be Goofy? Why couldn't it be Mickey? Mickey's an icon.
Mike What do you want? You're tall. At least it's Disney.
[Mike, Trent, and Sue are hanging out and Trent and Sue are playing video hockey]
This is bullshit, such bullshit!
Mike The Kings suck in this game you should play another team.
I took the Kings to the cup.
Yea, against the computer with the offsides off.
They are a finesse team.
LA is a **** bitch team. OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Mike Great. That's great advice. Thanks a lot, okay. Bye.
Life, after all...
Mike Please, y- 'm tryin' to make a phone call.
Are you calling her?
Mike No, would you stop. 'm- please.
Mike You're gonna screw up our plan.
Baby, we're gonna get laid.
Mike T-. Trent. Trent. I need to, ah-
Mike [Trent hands him a condom through the door]
No, I...uh...need to use the phone.
Hold on. [Slams door]
Mike 'm sure - they weren't in there that long.
Mike Count'em up.
How many strokes? What'd you get?
Mike Eight or a nine.
'll give you an eight.
Mike What'd you get?
I got an eight.
Mike Dead heat after one hole. This is turning into quite a rivalry.
Nicole
You came in and asked me for an application, and I took you and introduced you to my manager.
Mike Must have been a while ago, 'cause I- right now I have a booking agent.
Lorraine Hi, Mike, I'm Lorraine.
Mike Like the quiche.
Lorraine Yeah, yeah, the quiche. That's a really original joke.
Mike I like quiche. How's that?
Lorraine Yeah? Well, I thought real men didn't like quiche.
Mike Yeah, well, my reputation seems to have preceded me here.
Lorraine You're not a real man?
Mike Not lately, no.
Mike You know what, 've got it under control.
He has it under control.
I guess we don't have to worry about him any more.
Our little baby's all grown up.
