God quotes from Oh, God! (1977)

Jerry Landers

  Who are you?

God

  [speaking through an intercom]  You read the note.

Jerry Landers

  Who's that, Artie?

God

  God.

Jerry Landers

  Come on, Artie.

God

  No, it's me, God.

Jerry Landers

  God.

God

  Right, God.  God Almighty.  Big G.

God

  [speaking through an intercom]  How often do you talk with God?

Jerry Landers

  Practically never.

God

  [speaking through an intercom]  Well, you're not allowed to see me.

Jerry Landers

  Why not.

God

  Because.

Jerry Landers

  That's no answer.

God

  Sue me.

God

  [speaking through an intercom]  Tobacco was one of my big mistakes.

Jerry Landers

  Mistakes?

God

  You try.  Ostriches were a mistake.  Silly-looking things.  Avocados, made the pit too big.  Like I say, you try.

Jerry Landers

  I don't belong to any church!

God

  [speaking through an intercom]  Neither do I.

God

  [speaking through Jerry's car radio]  Jerry.  [Jerry, surprised, begins fiddling with the nobs]  Do you want me to talk louder?

Jerry Landers

  Oh, God!

God

  I thought you didn't believe in me.

Jerry Landers

  Uh…that's just an expression.

God

  I'm more than that, and I want you to spread the word.

Jerry Landers

  You want me to tell people I've spoken with God?

God

  [speaking through Jerry's car radio]  Yes.

Jerry Landers

  They'll put me away.

God

  [speaking through Jerry's car radio]  You can do it, it's only one message.  Moses had to handle ten.

Jerry Landers

  B-but you gave him tablets.

God

  He had a bad memory.

God

  Come take a look.

Jerry Landers

  I can't.  I'm naked.

God

  You think I don't know what you got?  That was another little goof of mine: shame.  I don't know why I thought we needed shame.

Jerry Landers

  You don't control our lives?!

God

  I gave you a world and everything in it.  It's all up to you.

Jerry Landers

  I don't believe the Red Sea, and I don't believe six days to create the world.

God

  You're right.

Jerry Landers

  I am?

God

  Tell you the honest truth, I thought about it for five days and did the whole job in one.

Jerry Landers

  How can you permit all the suffering that goes on in the world?

God

  Ah, how can I permit the suffering?

Jerry Landers

  Yeah!

God

  I don't permit the suffering, you do.  Free will.  All the choices are yours.

God

  Last question.

Jerry Landers

  Thank God!

God

  You're welcome.

  You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

God

  So help me, Me.