Singer quotes from Muppets from Space (1999)

Let's see here... Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?

Gonzo

I don't have tentacles!

Good, no achy tentacles, good... Head ever come off?

Gonzo

No, I don't think so.

Good, good, good. Any gingivitis?

Gonzo

No.

Great. What about problems with that beaky thing you've got there? Itching, swelling, flaking?

Gonzo

Well, some flaking a couple years ago-

Oh, who cares? It's showtime! Here we go.

Gonzo

Oh, brother.

Excellent, excellent.

Gonzo

What's that thing?

I don't know. Here we go. Here we go. Just stay like that.

Gonzo

Okay.

Pepe

This way.

Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

Fozzie

Which way, Kermit?

Pepe

Kermin! Kermin! This way.

I can't breathe!

Pepe

Come on, Kermin!

Okay. Here we go.

Gonzo

Wait, wait.

What is it?

Gonzo

Are you sure this is covered by my HMO?

Good question. I'll check.

Rizzo

Gonzo.

Gonzo

Rizzo. You're alive. Where have you been?

Rizzo

You don't want to know. Sit tight while I chew through these straps.

Gonzo

Yeah, yeah.

Rizzo

Okay.

Good news. You're covered with a $10 co-pay. Okay, hold still. And remember, if you experience any unpleasantness, please let me know. I'd hate to miss it.

Rizzo

Do you mind?

Excuse me. Wait! Oh, good Lord! A rat! I hate rats!

Bubba

Then today ain't your lucky day, Doc.

Ready for an operation?

A little experiment.

Pepe

Forward, Piggy. Forward.

Kermit

Doctor.

Pepe

Doctor.

Kermit

Doctor.

Pepe

Doctor.

Kermit

Just a couple of doctors.

Pepe

Doctors in the hallway. That was close.

Kermit

To the right, Fozzie.

Pepe

Forward, Piggy. Too fast, too fast. The door. Stop!

Kermit

What in the world?

Singer

This is big, general. I think we should notify the president.

I'll be the judge of that.

Singer

As always, sir.

No, don't tickle me!

Pepe

What do we do?

Will you please get me out of here?

No, no, no! I can't breathe!

Gonzo

Hey, guys. Quick, get me out of here!

Singer

Today, sir... ...we must think with a big mind. Behold. Irrefutable evidence of extraterrestrial life.

Release me...

Singer

This looks worse than it is, general. Obviously, the...

Get off of me, you vermin!

Singer

The alien is loose in the building. But not to worry, because...

Don't bother. You're terminated.

Singer

When you say "terminated"...

YOU NEED HELP, SINGER! FIND SOME!

Agent Rentro

Well, how'd that go for you, then? Okay?

Gonzo

So sorry I got you into this mess. Anyway, thanks for coming to save me.

Kermit

You can thank us once we're out of here. All right, everybody, quietly now.

Stop! Come back here!

Help! Mommy!

Please, please. Listen to me. You can't leave me. I need you.

I go now.

Fine. Go on, go. You're all alike. Animals. Call me.

Kermit

Animal! Animal!

Gonzo

Come here!
Way to go, Romeo. Now let's get out of here.

Gonzo

Let's go, let's go.

Singer

I'm gonna kill somebody.

Agent Rentro

Now, now. Remember, calm blue ocean. You let it go. Baby steps, remember? Baby...

Singer

FIND THE ALIEN! NOW!

Agent Rentro

Yes, sir.

Singer

Where is he?

Agent Rentro

I didn't overhear anything...

Singer

Did I ask you if you overheard anything?

Agent Rentro

No, sir.

Singer

Because if you did overhear anything, l'm sure you would tell me.

Agent Rentro

Yes, sir.

Singer

Or do I have to remind you of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town and Wild Animal Revue? [Rentro looks afraid] [angrily] Where's he going?! [Rentro stays silent] Oh, look; Sunday's half price at the petting zoo...!

Agent Rentro

Okay, okay! They're going to Cape Doom!

Singer

Good, good. Get me the Subatomic Neutro-Destabilizer. [Rentro looks at him blankly] The Subatomic Neutro... [gives up] Oh, the really big gun.

Agent Rentro

The really big gun! Yes, sir! The really big gun... [retrieves it from a secret compartment, and hands it to Singer] Really big gun.

Singer

Clip.

Agent Rentro

Clip!

Singer

Let's head for my car.

Agent Rentro

Oh. Problem there, sir. [Singer stops] Remember those parking tickets you asked me to take care of for you? And I said that-

Singer

Oh, just say it.
Agent Rentro ...Car's impounded. [Singer glares at him] Oh, we can take my company car!

Singer

...Fine.

Agent Rentro

Great! ♪Sixty-six bottles of beer on the wall, Sixty-six bottles of beer...♪

Singer

Excuse me. Excuse me! Can this thing go any faster?

Agent Rentro

I'm doing 30. You want to slow down there, buddy? A lot of traffic tonight, sir. Safety first.

Pepe

No, no. You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Pepe, will you listen to me, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe

Si, I will tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Right.

Gonzo

They're calling me!

Rizzo

Here he comes. Hey, Gonzo!

Gonzo

I can't talk now, guys.

Pepe

You should've told him.

Rizzo

I wasn't supposed to! You were!

Pepe

No, you said you'd tell him.

Rizzo

I said, you! I meant you.

Gonzo

Hi, guys. I'm here. Just leave the tractor here in front, okay?

And that's the way it is. This is Miss Piggy saying good night, and have a great...

Hey! Where's my coffee?

Uh, uh... I'm... Coming! Coming! Coming! Coming.

Hey, Piggy, I'll take one.

In a minute.

Light, no sugar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shelley's stuck at the airport. She won't make it on time.

Okay, I am not gonna panic. Who am I kidding? Yes, I am. No? No, I'm not. Okay, I'm panicking. Who can we possibly get at the last minute? Who?

Cappuccino?

Stand by, everybody.

Roll tape, please! And cue I.D.

We're on in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Fozzie

Hey, look! It's Piggy's new show.

Read. Read.

Oh, oh, oh. Um... Um... "Hello again. I'm Shelley Snipes." Mm. Uh... Uh... "Today on UFO Mania, flying saucers and their extraterrestrial pilots."

Kermit

Wish I could find my pants.

Pepe

Kermit, you should come to see this.

"I'm sure you've often wondered what might those alien creatures look like?"

Kermit

Piggy!

Gonzo

People of Earth, do not be alarmed. My message will be brief. I am Gonzo.

Gonzo? Hmph?

Gonzo

Uh... Piggy?

I don't have a Gonzo.

There seems to be some mistake.

Clifford

Dang! You better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit

Relax, no one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo

You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and it was confirmed by the Cosmic Fish that I am from outer space.

Rizzo

So, you wanna go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit

...Now. [gets off the couch] come on.

What are you doing here?

Gonzo

Huh? I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Um...

Interview him.

I'm interviewing... I'm interviewing you!

Gonzo

Great! What would you like to know?

The whole tearful tale of your inner struggle, Gonzo.

Gonzo

Oh. I want my people to know I've received their messages, and my response is: "I am here."

Singer

"I am here." Bingo.

Gonzo

I'm at 44 Bronson Lane, and I can't wait to meet you.

Singer

And I can't wait to meet you.

Agent Rentro

Me too. He's very charismatic, don't you think?

Singer

Freeze that! I want him here and I want him now.

Agent Rentro

Yes, sir.

Singer

So you're our fancy little landscaper.

Rap it out. We're gonna take a break.

Oh, oh, oh. Yes. We are going to pause here, and we'll be right back with Gonzo the geek who fell to Earth with moi, Miss...

And we're out. 90 seconds, folks.

Now that is TV. The phones are lighting up like Vegas. What power, what heat. You're a hit!

Thank you, thank you.

Not you. Him.

Gonzo

Me?

Gonzo, you've got it.

Rizzo

Sure wish we could find a cure for it.

Gonzo

Rizzo?

Rizzo

Gonzo?

Kermie?

Kermit

Piggy?

What the heck is going on here.

Kermit

Listen, Gonzo, aren't you taking this alien thing a little too far?

Gonzo

Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien, but I didn't choose to be one. Well, I've always had alien tendencies. This just makes sense to me.

Beautiful, big G. I see a follow-up episode here.

Me, too. "The Alien in My Life." A Miss Piggy special report.

What are you talking about? You're the coffee pig.

Kermit

Who?

Now, you see...

Kermit, he's such a joker.

Agent Barker

We'll take this from here.

Gonzo

What?

Agent Barker

We're with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens. We feel your pain, Gonzo.

Gonzo

They feel my pain.

Rizzo

I got a paper cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain too?

Gonzo

Can you help me make contact with my alien tribe?

Agent Barker

Yes, we can, Gonzo.

Gonzo

Well, somebody believes me. Come on, fellas. Take me to my leader.

Kermit

But, but... Gonzo.

Rizzo

I don't like the look of them. This rat smells a rat.

Agent Barker

The limo's right this way.

Gonzo

Thank you.

Rizzo

Did he say limo? Wait a second, I'm his translator.

Wait! You know this Gonzo, right?

Um, if the price is right.

The price?

Look. I deliver Gonzo's exclusive life story, okay? If you make moi your new anchorwoman.

We're back in 15 seconds.

Well, what about Shelley?

Shelley, shmelly.

Yes, yes! Go.

All right! Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, studmuffin, hold it.

Agent Barker

I'll deal with her.

You'll deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story, okay?

Agent Barker

How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

No, that's three pigs, okay?

Agent Barker

Not in this version.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not part of that alien-protection agency. Who are you? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING GONZO? Hey...

Agent Barker

I'm impressed. Black belt, third degree.

Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker

I like this party.

Tough guy. TOUGH GUY! Come on. Show me! Show me! Look! Cindy Crawford.

Agent Barker

Where have you been all my life?

Is that all you got? IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?! Is that all you got? Is that all you got? NOT THE NOOGIE! MAMA!

Bubba

Yo. [Rats cage Rizzo whimpers] How you doing? I'm Bubba.

Rizzo

Hey. I'm Rizzo the rat. Nice to meet you.

Bubba

Nice to meet you. How'd you like to meet some of the boys here?

Rizzo

Uh… Sure.

Bubba

That up there, that's Fast Eddie, harmonica extraordinaire.

Hey.

Rizzo

How you doing, Ed?

Well, I ain't dead.

Bubba

Over here's Troy. [Troy was weightlifting]

Bubba

This back here, that's Shakes.

Hi. Hello. How you doing? Welcome. [to someone] Hi. Hello…

Bubba

They're doing a new caffeine substitute on him.

Gladys?

Bubba

And that there is the Birdman.

Where are you? Gladys? Here baby, sweetie.

Bubba

He don't bother nobody. He's been here forever. [Gladys, a pigeon, flies onto the Birdman]

Gladys! Come on, the guys are watching.

Bubba

He just likes to hang out with his birds. Know what I mean?

Rizzo

Huh.

Bubba

So, er, that about does it for all of us here at the Medical Research.

Rizzo

Medical Research?

Bubba

Yeah.

Rizzo

B-but that would mean that we're… lab rats! Gonzo. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Singer

Now, Mr. Gonzo. What can you tell me about these?

Gonzo

Woah. They really have been looking for me.

Singer

And they are coming to Earth, aren't they?

Gonzo

I don't know.

Singer

How many of them are there?

Gonzo

I don't know.

Singer

When will they be here? [grabs Gonzo by the neck] And don't you DARE tell me... that you don't know.

Gonzo

I… I know not? [Singer starts to strangle Gonzo]But maybe I could find out?

Singer

Could you?

Gonzo

OK. Well! Okay, then. I'll keep in touch. Thanks. Oh. So back to the limo?

Singer

It's a shame, really. I really need that information. So, I'm afraid we'll have to problem and invasive quadra-lobal brain probe on you and pluck it from you head.

Gonzo

The information?

Singer

No, your brain. Take him away.

Gonzo

My brain? But just a second. I... Where are you taking me?

Singer

Rentro, get General Luft.

Gonzo

I need my brain. I need my brain.