Pepe quotes from Muppets from Space (1999)

Is breakfast over?

No, why?

Because I think the bacon just ran out.

Pepe

The raspberry flap overs will be out in a moment.

Hey, Uncle Kermit, what will you do now that you're on vacation?

Kermit

Well, Robin, once I get those house painters started, l'm gonna kick back and relax.

Pepe

Kermit? When will you fix the oven, okay?

Kermit

What's wrong with the oven? [An explosion is heard in the kitchen. Everyone on the table react to that sound.]

Pepe

That.

Yurski burski popovers kaboofed!

Kermit

Yeah... I'll put it on the top of my list...

Pepe

There is a menu correction, okay? We will now be serving bologna sandwiches. [everyone makes disappointed sounds. Swedish Chef says something to Pepe] But no bread. [Everyone makes a disgusted noise and leaves the table]

Clifford

I'm already gone.

Kermit

Hey, Gonzo, aren't you performing at that Bar Mitzvah today?

Gonzo

Nah. Electric Mayhem's covering for me.

Kermit

But, Gonzo, you never miss the chance to get shot out of a cannon. Something wrong?

Gonzo

No. [beat] It's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.

Kermit

Gonzo, you are 'not a one-of-a-kind freak! You're a... [falters]

Gonzo

A whatever?

Kermit

Well... yeah!

Gonzo

You see?! See what I mean? I don't even know where I came from, or who I am!

Clifford

Yo, Kerm.

Kermit

Hmm?

Clifford

You weren't expecting some house painters, were you?

Kermit

Yeah, why?

Clifford

They're just driving away.

Kermit

What?!

Clifford

Animal bit one of them!

Kermit

Oh no! [The car engine of the house painters truck starts] Wait, guys! Don't let them go! [turns to Gonzo] You know what I think you are, Gonzo?

Gonzo

What?

Kermit

Distinct. [turns to run to the door to try and stop the painters] Wait, guys! He didn't mean it! He's just a musician!

Musician! Musician! Musician! [Gonzo looks over at photos of the Muppets with their respective family members, before coming to photo of himself, alone]

Gonzo

Distinct, huh? More like extinct... [pours the alphabet cereal in the bowl, but spills a little bit on the table] Oops. [looks at the letters spinning around, then making the words, saying, "Watch The Sky"] "Watch the sky"? Hey! Hey! Rizzo, come here. I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.

Rizzo

I know what you mean. I had some guacamole and it's still taking to me.

Gonzo

No. No. Really. Look. Look. I'm not kidding. [looking at the letter cereals] It was there just a second ago. I swear, Rizzo. It said, "Watch the sky."

Rizzo

Are you sure it didn't say "You need help?"

Gonzo

But, but...

Rizzo

Maybe you and your cereal would like to be alone. [takes the plate of ] Oh, hey! ♪ My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...♪

Gonzo

Cool. Huh? [he looks at the letters, then making the words, saying, "R U There"] "Are you there?" [calling out] RIZZOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Pepe

Come on, Rizzo. Time to bet, okay.

Rizzo

All right, prawn cracker. I’ll see your Maryland crab cakes and I’ll raise you a 1958 cheddar cheese never been sniffed.

Kermit

Crab cakes and cheese?

Clifford

Can't be that.

Gonzo

Hey, guys! The Cosmic Fish have spoken to me: I'M FROM OUTER SPAAAAAAAACE!

Rizzo

Yeah, yeah, that's great - Pepe, are you in or out?

Pepe

I'm in.

Gonzo

I'm an alien!

Rizzo

You been tap-dancing on the barbecue?

Gonzo

No, no, Rizzo. I’m just fine.

Rizzo

MY CARDS! SOMEBODY GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! NOT MY CARDS. Oh, no, no, no!

Kermit

Gonzo, are you sure you’re okay?

Gonzo

Yeah, absolutely. But I have to respond. Gotta make contact.

Clifford

Where’s he going with those keys?

Pepe

Who cares? Flying saucer, maybe. Dos deuces. The prawn cracker wins.

Rizzo

Pair of twos! I swear I had four aces. I really did!

Pepe

♪You got to know when to hold it...♪

Rizzo

No, no, no!

Pepe

♪Know when to fold it, Know when to walk...♪

Gonzo

Put a little more paprika on those, okay? Thank you. Well, that's everything.

Rizzo

He built it.

Pepe

And we came.

Gonzo

Remember guys, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so no eating in the spa.

Rizzo

We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.

Pepe

You tell him, and I will smack you. I will smack you like a bad, bad donkey, okay!

Sal.

Yeah, Johnny?

There are no cannolis!

Yeah, [holds up a slice of cake] but try this cake, this is a beauty!

That is nice! Would you... [sees Gonzo, panics;] Gonzo, Gonzo! [Sal and Johnny turn away as Gonzo approaches]

Gonzo

Go easy on the buffet, fellas, I just want... [stops, seeing the cake cut and gets shocked] Who...cut...the cake? WHO CUT THE CAKE?! WHO CUT IT?!?!
Johnny [feigning outrage] Oh, look at that!

Who cut this cake?!

That's awful. They would've done... [walks off with Sal]

Gonzo

The guests of honor aren't even here yet!

Fozzie

Hey, great party!

Gonzo

Yeah... [looks up at the sky] I just wish they'd get here.

Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?

Pepe

You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe

Si, I will tell him, okay?

Gonzo

They're calling me!

Rizzo

Here he comes.

Gonzo

Hey, Gonzo!

Rizzo

I can't talk now, guys.

Pepe

You should've told him.

Rizzo

I wasn't supposed to!

Pepe

You said you'd tell him.

Rizzo

I said, you! I meant you.

Listen, everyone, listen. I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government, and it could be a life-threatening situation! [Everyone gasps in horror]

Kermit

How can that be "great news"?

Because... I've got the story! I've got the story! [gasps] I need to change! [runs up the stairs] Something that says, "Journalistic integrity"! Oh, I've gotta pee!

Kermit

Oh, brother!

Fozzie

What are we gonna do?

Kermit

Okay, guys, it's up to us: We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents!

Fozzie

Well... I have a joke book.

Drumsticks! Drumsticks!

Pepe

I have some loose Jell-O, okay? [holds it up and wiggles it]

Kermit

...Okay, well, that settles that. In circumstances like this, there's only one place to turn...

Pepe

Come on, Kermit. I will help you up, okay. [beat] Why, Kermit, you're so soft and plump...

You got one second to get your hands off me, shrimp.

Pepe

Sorry, Piggy!

Let's see here... Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?

Gonzo

I don't have tentacles!

Good, no achy tentacles, good... Head ever come off?

Gonzo

No, I don't think so.

Good, good, good. Any gingivitis?

Gonzo

No.

Great. What about problems with that beaky thing you've got there? Itching, swelling, flaking?

Gonzo

Well, some flaking a couple years ago-

Oh, who cares? It's showtime! Here we go.

Gonzo

Oh, brother.

Excellent, excellent.

Gonzo

What's that thing?

I don't know. Here we go. Here we go. Just stay like that.

Gonzo

Okay.

Pepe

This way.

Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

Fozzie

Which way, Kermit?

Pepe

Kermin! Kermin! This way.

I can't breathe!

Pepe

Come on, Kermin!

Okay. Here we go.

Gonzo

Wait, wait.

What is it?

Gonzo

Are you sure this is covered by my HMO?

Good question. I'll check.

Rizzo

Gonzo.

Gonzo

Rizzo. You're alive. Where have you been?

Rizzo

You don't want to know. Sit tight while I chew through these straps.

Gonzo

Yeah, yeah.

Rizzo

Okay.

Good news. You're covered with a $10 co-pay. Okay, hold still. And remember, if you experience any unpleasantness, please let me know. I'd hate to miss it.

Rizzo

Do you mind?

Excuse me. Wait! Oh, good Lord! A rat! I hate rats!

Bubba

Then today ain't your lucky day, Doc.

Ready for an operation?

A little experiment.

Pepe

Forward, Piggy. Forward.

Kermit

Doctor.

Pepe

Doctor.

Kermit

Doctor.

Pepe

Doctor.

Kermit

Just a couple of doctors.

Pepe

Doctors in the hallway. That was close.

Kermit

To the right, Fozzie.

Pepe

Forward, Piggy. Too fast, too fast. The door. Stop!

Kermit

What in the world?

Singer

This is big, general. I think we should notify the president.

I'll be the judge of that.

Singer

As always, sir.

No, don't tickle me!

Pepe

What do we do?

Will you please get me out of here?

No, no, no! I can't breathe!

Gonzo

Hey, guys. Quick, get me out of here!

Singer

Today, sir... ...we must think with a big mind. Behold. Irrefutable evidence of extraterrestrial life.

Release me...

Singer

This looks worse than it is, general. Obviously, the...

Get off of me, you vermin!

Singer

The alien is loose in the building. But not to worry, because...

Don't bother. You're terminated.

Singer

When you say "terminated"...

YOU NEED HELP, SINGER! FIND SOME!

Agent Rentro

Well, how'd that go for you, then? Okay?

Kermit

Try that door.

Gonzo

It won't budge!

Kermit

Forget that door. Come on! This way! Fozzie, quick! The door in a jar.

Gonzo

It's right here.

Yeah, yeah.

Fozzie

"Open jar away from face."

Kermit

Will you please just open the jar? Hurry, Fozzie. Come on, throw it!

Kermit

Gee, that's disappointing...

Perfect. Somebody knock and see if Barbie's home.

Pepe

Works for me. Adios! [uses the door]

Rizzo

What?! [runs after him, but is unable to open the door] Oh, I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind! [Pepe opens up a larger door next to them]

Pepe

I am not a shrimp - I am a king prawn! Let's go, let's go! Come on!

Pepe

No, no. You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Pepe, will you listen to me, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe

Si, I will tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Right.

Gonzo

They're calling me!

Rizzo

Here he comes. Hey, Gonzo!

Gonzo

I can't talk now, guys.

Pepe

You should've told him.

Rizzo

I wasn't supposed to! You were!

Pepe

No, you said you'd tell him.

Rizzo

I said, you! I meant you.

Gonzo

Hi, guys. I'm here. Just leave the tractor here in front, okay?

And that's the way it is. This is Miss Piggy saying good night, and have a great...

Hey! Where's my coffee?

Uh, uh... I'm... Coming! Coming! Coming! Coming.

Hey, Piggy, I'll take one.

In a minute.

Light, no sugar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shelley's stuck at the airport. She won't make it on time.

Okay, I am not gonna panic. Who am I kidding? Yes, I am. No? No, I'm not. Okay, I'm panicking. Who can we possibly get at the last minute? Who?

Cappuccino?

Stand by, everybody.

Roll tape, please! And cue I.D.

We're on in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Fozzie

Hey, look! It's Piggy's new show.

Read. Read.

Oh, oh, oh. Um... Um... "Hello again. I'm Shelley Snipes." Mm. Uh... Uh... "Today on UFO Mania, flying saucers and their extraterrestrial pilots."

Kermit

Wish I could find my pants.

Pepe

Kermit, you should come to see this.

"I'm sure you've often wondered what might those alien creatures look like?"

Kermit

Piggy!

Gonzo

People of Earth, do not be alarmed. My message will be brief. I am Gonzo.

Gonzo? Hmph?

Gonzo

Uh... Piggy?

I don't have a Gonzo.

There seems to be some mistake.

Clifford

Dang! You better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit

Relax, no one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo

You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and it was confirmed by the Cosmic Fish that I am from outer space.

Rizzo

So, you wanna go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit

...Now. [gets off the couch] come on.

What are you doing here?

Gonzo

Huh? I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Um...

Interview him.

I'm interviewing... I'm interviewing you!

Gonzo

Great! What would you like to know?

The whole tearful tale of your inner struggle, Gonzo.

Gonzo

Oh. I want my people to know I've received their messages, and my response is: "I am here."

Singer

"I am here." Bingo.

Gonzo

I'm at 44 Bronson Lane, and I can't wait to meet you.

Singer

And I can't wait to meet you.

Agent Rentro

Me too. He's very charismatic, don't you think?

Singer

Freeze that! I want him here and I want him now.

Agent Rentro

Yes, sir.

Singer

So you're our fancy little landscaper.

Rap it out. We're gonna take a break.

Oh, oh, oh. Yes. We are going to pause here, and we'll be right back with Gonzo the geek who fell to Earth with moi, Miss...

And we're out. 90 seconds, folks.

Now that is TV. The phones are lighting up like Vegas. What power, what heat. You're a hit!

Thank you, thank you.

Not you. Him.

Gonzo

Me?

Gonzo, you've got it.

Rizzo

Sure wish we could find a cure for it.

Gonzo

Rizzo?

Rizzo

Gonzo?

Kermie?

Kermit

Piggy?

What the heck is going on here.

Kermit

Listen, Gonzo, aren't you taking this alien thing a little too far?

Gonzo

Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien, but I didn't choose to be one. Well, I've always had alien tendencies. This just makes sense to me.

Beautiful, big G. I see a follow-up episode here.

Me, too. "The Alien in My Life." A Miss Piggy special report.

What are you talking about? You're the coffee pig.

Kermit

Who?

Now, you see...

Kermit, he's such a joker.

Agent Barker

We'll take this from here.

Gonzo

What?

Agent Barker

We're with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens. We feel your pain, Gonzo.

Gonzo

They feel my pain.

Rizzo

I got a paper cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain too?

Gonzo

Can you help me make contact with my alien tribe?

Agent Barker

Yes, we can, Gonzo.

Gonzo

Well, somebody believes me. Come on, fellas. Take me to my leader.

Kermit

But, but... Gonzo.

Rizzo

I don't like the look of them. This rat smells a rat.

Agent Barker

The limo's right this way.

Gonzo

Thank you.

Rizzo

Did he say limo? Wait a second, I'm his translator.

Wait! You know this Gonzo, right?

Um, if the price is right.

The price?

Look. I deliver Gonzo's exclusive life story, okay? If you make moi your new anchorwoman.

We're back in 15 seconds.

Well, what about Shelley?

Shelley, shmelly.

Yes, yes! Go.

All right! Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, studmuffin, hold it.

Agent Barker

I'll deal with her.

You'll deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story, okay?

Agent Barker

How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

No, that's three pigs, okay?

Agent Barker

Not in this version.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not part of that alien-protection agency. Who are you? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING GONZO? Hey...

Agent Barker

I'm impressed. Black belt, third degree.

Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker

I like this party.

Tough guy. TOUGH GUY! Come on. Show me! Show me! Look! Cindy Crawford.

Agent Barker

Where have you been all my life?

Is that all you got? IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?! Is that all you got? Is that all you got? NOT THE NOOGIE! MAMA!