Agent Barker quotes from Muppets from Space (1999)

Hey, studmuffin, hold it!

Agent Barker

I'll deal with her.

Oh, ha-ha you'll deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story okay.

Agent Barker

How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

No, that's three pigs okay.

Agent Barker

Not in this version.

Hey, Wait a minute, you're not part of an alien-protection agency! Who are you? Where are you taking Gonzo?! [He grabs her arm] hey! [A stand off between Miss Piggy and Agent Barker] Hi-yah!

Agent Barker

I'm impressed! [Knocks down a standing post] Black belt, third degree.

Hi-yah! [Knocks down wooden stand] Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker

I like this party!

Oh, ahh, tough guy, tough guy, ha-ha!! Come on, show me, show me! Oh, look, Cindy Crawford.

Agent Barker

Huh?

Hi-yah! [She hits him in the stomach] ha-ha-ha!

Agent Barker

Where have you been all my life?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! [They start dancing around until Agent Barker punches her in the face] Is that all you got?! [Miss Piggy keeps saying it after each punch on her nose until Agent Barker grabs her head and gives her a noogie] Not the noogie! HI!!!! [She punches him in the crotch and then he lets her go] Eh!

Agent Barker

Ooh! [He falls on his knees] Oooooooooooooooh! [He tumbles to the ground]

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MAMA!!!!!!

Agent Barker

...That's all I know!

Okay, okay, so, let me get this straight now: This government agency, C.O.V.N.E.T., has abducted Gonzo, and taken him to its top-secret facility?

Agent Barker

Yes, Miss Piggy.

Well, thank you, darling. You've been most helpful. [excited] At last! [knocks over Barker] A real story! Intrigue, danger, new outfits, and it's mine, mine, mine! All mine! [runs off, then comes back, looking directly into the camera] Oh, come on, please, you think Ted Koppel never gets excited?

Pepe

No, no. You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Pepe, will you listen to me, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe

Si, I will tell him, okay?

Rizzo

Right.

Gonzo

They're calling me!

Rizzo

Here he comes. Hey, Gonzo!

Gonzo

I can't talk now, guys.

Pepe

You should've told him.

Rizzo

I wasn't supposed to! You were!

Pepe

No, you said you'd tell him.

Rizzo

I said, you! I meant you.

Gonzo

Hi, guys. I'm here. Just leave the tractor here in front, okay?

And that's the way it is. This is Miss Piggy saying good night, and have a great...

Hey! Where's my coffee?

Uh, uh... I'm... Coming! Coming! Coming! Coming.

Hey, Piggy, I'll take one.

In a minute.

Light, no sugar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shelley's stuck at the airport. She won't make it on time.

Okay, I am not gonna panic. Who am I kidding? Yes, I am. No? No, I'm not. Okay, I'm panicking. Who can we possibly get at the last minute? Who?

Cappuccino?

Stand by, everybody.

Roll tape, please! And cue I.D.

We're on in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Fozzie

Hey, look! It's Piggy's new show.

Read. Read.

Oh, oh, oh. Um... Um... "Hello again. I'm Shelley Snipes." Mm. Uh... Uh... "Today on UFO Mania, flying saucers and their extraterrestrial pilots."

Kermit

Wish I could find my pants.

Pepe

Kermit, you should come to see this.

"I'm sure you've often wondered what might those alien creatures look like?"

Kermit

Piggy!

Gonzo

People of Earth, do not be alarmed. My message will be brief. I am Gonzo.

Gonzo? Hmph?

Gonzo

Uh... Piggy?

I don't have a Gonzo.

There seems to be some mistake.

Clifford

Dang! You better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit

Relax, no one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo

You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and it was confirmed by the Cosmic Fish that I am from outer space.

Rizzo

So, you wanna go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit

...Now. [gets off the couch] come on.

What are you doing here?

Gonzo

Huh? I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Um...

Interview him.

I'm interviewing... I'm interviewing you!

Gonzo

Great! What would you like to know?

The whole tearful tale of your inner struggle, Gonzo.

Gonzo

Oh. I want my people to know I've received their messages, and my response is: "I am here."

Singer

"I am here." Bingo.

Gonzo

I'm at 44 Bronson Lane, and I can't wait to meet you.

Singer

And I can't wait to meet you.

Agent Rentro

Me too. He's very charismatic, don't you think?

Singer

Freeze that! I want him here and I want him now.

Agent Rentro

Yes, sir.

Singer

So you're our fancy little landscaper.

Rap it out. We're gonna take a break.

Oh, oh, oh. Yes. We are going to pause here, and we'll be right back with Gonzo the geek who fell to Earth with moi, Miss...

And we're out. 90 seconds, folks.

Now that is TV. The phones are lighting up like Vegas. What power, what heat. You're a hit!

Thank you, thank you.

Not you. Him.

Gonzo

Me?

Gonzo, you've got it.

Rizzo

Sure wish we could find a cure for it.

Gonzo

Rizzo?

Rizzo

Gonzo?

Kermie?

Kermit

Piggy?

What the heck is going on here.

Kermit

Listen, Gonzo, aren't you taking this alien thing a little too far?

Gonzo

Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien, but I didn't choose to be one. Well, I've always had alien tendencies. This just makes sense to me.

Beautiful, big G. I see a follow-up episode here.

Me, too. "The Alien in My Life." A Miss Piggy special report.

What are you talking about? You're the coffee pig.

Kermit

Who?

Now, you see...

Kermit, he's such a joker.

Agent Barker

We'll take this from here.

Gonzo

What?

Agent Barker

We're with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens. We feel your pain, Gonzo.

Gonzo

They feel my pain.

Rizzo

I got a paper cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain too?

Gonzo

Can you help me make contact with my alien tribe?

Agent Barker

Yes, we can, Gonzo.

Gonzo

Well, somebody believes me. Come on, fellas. Take me to my leader.

Kermit

But, but... Gonzo.

Rizzo

I don't like the look of them. This rat smells a rat.

Agent Barker

The limo's right this way.

Gonzo

Thank you.

Rizzo

Did he say limo? Wait a second, I'm his translator.

Wait! You know this Gonzo, right?

Um, if the price is right.

The price?

Look. I deliver Gonzo's exclusive life story, okay? If you make moi your new anchorwoman.

We're back in 15 seconds.

Well, what about Shelley?

Shelley, shmelly.

Yes, yes! Go.

All right! Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, studmuffin, hold it.

Agent Barker

I'll deal with her.

You'll deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story, okay?

Agent Barker

How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

No, that's three pigs, okay?

Agent Barker

Not in this version.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not part of that alien-protection agency. Who are you? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING GONZO? Hey...

Agent Barker

I'm impressed. Black belt, third degree.

Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker

I like this party.

Tough guy. TOUGH GUY! Come on. Show me! Show me! Look! Cindy Crawford.

Agent Barker

Where have you been all my life?

Is that all you got? IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?! Is that all you got? Is that all you got? NOT THE NOOGIE! MAMA!