Kung Pow! Enter the Fist 2002 quotes

I am a great magician. Your clothes are red!

Wow! Please, do it again! Wait, who's that?

Betty- he-he's alive, Betty. He's still alive, Betty.

Still alive? How can that be? Oh this is bad, this is very bad. Your clothes are black. The Council will not be pleased.

But Betty, do they have to know?

He's supposed to be dead! I am responsible. He alone can disrupt the Evil Council's plan. Him and that infernal Toungey! Red clothes!

Master Betty, might I inquire- what is the Evil Council's plan?

It is evil. Meheh, it is so evil. It is a bad, bad plan that will hurt many people that are good. I think it's great, because it's so bad.

I see. I think.

Chosen One

But I don't understand. Who are the evil council?

The answer you seek resides in the stars above.

Chosen One

I don't understand.

Of course you don't. I'm speaking in riddles. That's kind of the point, like a clue, so when you figure it out you'll say "Oh, that's what he meant! Stars above!"

Chosen One

His powers are greater than mine.

Yes. Plus, when you got hit with his iron claw, you did scream like a wussy.

Chosen One

I have traveled many years and miles to find you.

Master Tang

How many miles? Would you say...ten million?

Chosen One

...No, I don't think ten million.

Ling

But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I-I-I-I-I-I, I just can't. I won't. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
Chosen One He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?

Ling

No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Wee-ooh.

Chosen One

Look, Ling, those curlicues in your hair make me so hot, I can't think straight.

Ling

You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?

Chosen One

I implore you to reconsider.

Ling

Hmm. Okay. He spends his time on top of a waterfall swinging a chain around. There. You got what you wanted. Now go. [walks off while sobbing uncontrollably]

Remember, avoid the meadow

Master Tang

Chosen One, do I look all right?

Chosen One

Yeah. Sure.

Master Tang

On a scale of one to ten?

Chosen One

One.

Master Tang

I remember, a long time ago, when a good friend of mine told me that there would be a chosen one.
Master Doe [in flashback] There will be a chosen one.

Master Tang

Then he told me, of the significance.
Master Doe [in flashback] It will be significant.

Master Tang

And then he killed the dog.

Chosen One

I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?

Master Tang

Oh, you won't even believe what happened next.

Chosen One

No, please!

Master Tang

If you insist.

Master Tang fights Betty the second time in the outskirts of the city; but before Master Tang is killed, the scene freezes up with Master Tang narrating his options

Master Tang

Okay. So here were my options: A, quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back-kick or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and die. [Hit in the face a few seconds later] Hmm! Shoulda gone with A!

Master Tang

At that moment, the Chosen one learned a valuable lesson about iron claws. They hurt like crap man!

Master Tang

Chosen One was clearly not ready. he should've listened to that one-boobed chick.

Wimp Lo

Ha! Face-to-foot style. How do you like it?

Chosen One

I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: This is Earth.

Wimp Lo

Oh, yeah? Then try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!

Should we keep going?

He said we should keep going until he gives the signal to stop.

Did anyone see the signal?

He was whining for a while.

Do you think whining was the signal?

Hey, easy.

Hey guys, come on! ... Oh, well.

Wait. Didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body?

Ohh-hh.

Okay. Go ahead. Throw us off.

He isn't moving.

Uh...

Maybe we should leave.

Don't say anything to Mom.

Master Tang

Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how 'bout you? Gonna be an animal just like you.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too.

Master Tang

Lemurs go pff-pff, ostrich go baah. Koalas go... (smacks lips, then spins suddenly to face Betty)

Master Doe

Wait! You mustn't. You are not ready.

Chosen One

Who are you?

Master Doe

Ling's father. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

Chosen One

Oh, dear.

Master Doe

No one man can defeat Betty.

When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you!

Chosen One

I have to avenge my family!

That's right. The Evil Council are aliens.

Chosen One

They're French.

Ha-ha. Stinky pits and all, baby!

Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda.

Ling

I hope they have Icees.

Chosen One

I have chosen the large tub.

Wimp Lo

My nipples look like Milk Duds.

Master Tang

I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy.