Bren MacGuff I think that kids get bored and they have intercourse.
Played by Allison Janney 
Juno (2007) · 99 quotes
Juno (2007) · 99 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Juno (2007): in 19 of its 99 quotes
Most scenes with: Juno MacGuff (9), Mac MacGuff (5), Leah (3)
Someone else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
More lines from Bren MacGuff
6 quotes Bren MacGuff Bren MacGuff [to an ultrasound technician]
My five-year-old daughter could do that, and let me tell you, she is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, so why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade?
Bren MacGuff You don't understand. Mark is a married man. There are boundaries.
Bren MacGuff We don't have a dog because you're allergic to their saliva.
Bren MacGuff Because doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Bren MacGuff Excuse me, can we get my kid the damn spinal tap already?
Scenes with Bren MacGuff
12 scenes
Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
I'm pregnant.
Bren Oh, God.
But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
You're pregnant?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
Bren I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
I, uh...
Who is the kid?
The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren Nails, really?
Yeah!
No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
What?
I didn't think he had it in him!
I know, right?
So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to another, or the one where I drank a 64-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes?
Bren Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door that I got up in Stillwater? I found some blue shit... [looks at Liberty Bell] Gunk. Stuff. In my urn.
I would never barf in your urn, Bren. Maybe LB did it.
Did you see that coming?
Bren Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Yeah, that was my first instinct too...
Bren [to an ultrasound technician]
Why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade?
Bren, you's a dick! I love it!
Listen, Bren-duhhh, you're acting like you're the one who has to go through this and get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else. What does it even matter if Mark's married? I can have friends that are married.
Bren It doesn't work that way, kiddo. You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.
You don't know anything about me!
Bren I know enough.
Bren I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno, and when you move out I'm getting Weimaraners!
Whoa, dream big!
Bren Oh, go fly a kite!
How do I look?
Bren Like a new mom. Scared shitless.
Ow, ow, ****ity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
Bren It's called a spinal block, and you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
You mean I have to wait for it to get worse! Why can't they just give it to me now?
Bren : Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
So, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out...
Bren Hon, did you get expelled?
No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
Bren Well, I was just asking; it seemed plausible enough, given your record of generally being the worst human in existence.
What do you need, a large amount of money? Legal council? Need to pay off a Mexican drug lord?
No, I'm not asking for anything... except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
Well, what have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?
...I'm pregnant.
Bren Oh, God.
But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple. They're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks, we can just pretend that this never happened.
You're pregnant?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it's any consolation, I have heartburn that's radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
Bren I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
I, uh...
Who is the kid?
The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren Nails, really?
Yeah!
No, I know. I mean, who's the father, Juno?
Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
What?
I didn't think he had it in him!
I know, right?
All right, this is no laughing matter.
No, it's not... and, you know, Paulie is actually great... in, uh... in chair.
Tell me straight, Bren; do you think is this my fault?
Bren I think kids get bored and they have intercourse. And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.
Bren You're not gonna be a Pop Pop. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
Ultrasound Technician Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Yes!
No!
Pleease, Juno, please!
No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me, I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician Oh, well, thank goodness for that.
Bren (outraged)
What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician (uncomfortably)
I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here, and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Or, like, stage parents.
Bren They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician I guess not.
Bren What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician Excuse me?
Bren Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade?
We don't even have a dog!
Bren No, because you're allergic to their saliva. I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno. But in a couple years, when you move out, I'm going to get Weimaraners.
WHOA, DREAM BIG!
Bren Oh, go fly a kite!
