Clem [talking to fire extinguisher]
You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!
Joe Dirt
David Spade · 43 quotes
Zander Kelly
Dennis Miller · 6 quotes
Buffalo Bob
Brian Thompson · 5 quotes
Joe Dirt quotes
Page 1 of 4 Clem
Railroad Boy #1
Oh - it's so flat!
Bullying Man #2
[throws Joe an apple core after he farts on it]
I got a fart. You want that?
Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
Bullying Man #2
You probably liked J.R., you ****. I saw your bumper sticker: "cowboys' butts drive me nuts."
[Narrating]
I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home.
[Joe comes up to his childhood house only to find it's been condemned]
Sir? Hey mister! You know the people who live here, Nunamaker?
Farmer Fran
[In a thick Cajun accent]
They move.
W-what's that?
Farmer Fran
Move! They move! 'bout... 15 year ago. Had a lil' boy. Had same kinda haircut you got now. [laughs] God da', you outta date, boy.
Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me. My parents were-this was my home. I though this was it this time.
Farmer Fran
Nah, home is where you make it.
Ya like to see homos naked?
Farmer Fran
[repeats phrase, this time with a firmer tone of voice]
Home is where you make it.
You like to see homos naked. That's cool, man. Whatever.
Farmer Fran
No no no no. Home is where you make it. Home, where you make it.
Oh.
Farmer Fran
Ev'body know dat. Goddamn, boy.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Jill Sure would. Do you want to go back to my place?
Sure do.
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes; making fun of poor Joe Dirt?
Zander Kelly Probably, because I'm sure that Yahwee would be chiming in too.
So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, kick but, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing No.
Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing No, I don't.
You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.
Well today I'm gonna be picking up my Hemi Roadrunner. That's right, I said Hemi.
Jill Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.
Yep, left it at a friends house.
[loud again]
But I'm picking it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say?
Jill That's a big ten-four.
Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?
Kicking Wing Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom!
Kicking Wing Why is that good?
Well, duh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses.
Kicking Wing I would never do that, because one day I'm going to be a veterinarian
Well there you go, one day a bullfrog has a M-80 up his ass, he comes to you, you win twice brother
Kickin’ Wing
You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn't work anymore.
Old Cajun Man [In a muffled back water accent]
Home is where you make it.
What?
Old Cajun Man Home is where you make it.
You like to see h***s naked?
Old Cajun Man No, no, no. Home. It's where you make it.
Yeah, you like to see h***s naked. That's cool.
Old Cajun Man No! Home is where you make it!
Oh.
Old Cajun Man Everybody knows that. God damn, boy.
Old Cajun Man walks away.
Guy likes to see h***s naked, that doesn't help me.
Robby Did I get ya, Dirt?
Nah, I'm cool.
Robby No you're not.
Robby You all right Dirt?
Yeah, I'm cool.
Robby No you're not.
Miss Clipper He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.
[Joe falls off a swing]
And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandy was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown.