Air Traffic Control Tower Staffer
If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?
[Benji is at the controls]
What do you mean "who's flying the plane"?! Nobody's flying the plane!
[Benji scowls at Ding]
Dingy Bell
Mickey Rooney · 7 quotes
Melville Crump
Sid Caesar · 7 quotes
Mrs. Marcus
Ethel Merman · 7 quotes
Russell
Milton Berle · 7 quotes
Lennie Pike
Jonathan Winters · 6 quotes
Benjamin
Buddy Hackett · 5 quotes
Col. Hawthorne
Terry-Thomas · 5 quotes
Sylvester
Dick Shawn · 5 quotes
Culpeper
3 quotes
Otto Meyer
Phil Silvers · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Dingy Bell & Benjamin (5), Melville Crump & Dingy Bell (4), Russell & Lennie Pike (4)
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World quotes
Page 1 of 2Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
And may the best man win!
Right! [points to Mrs. Marcus] Except you, lady! You can just DROP DEAD!!!
All right, now we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
[They all race to their cars]
Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
Sounds so foreign.
Dispatcher Attention, all units. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let them out?
How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?! We've got to let them out!
Police Sergeant That ain't fair.
It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police Sergeant They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police Sergeant Ah. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
Ummm. [over the speaker] Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over. [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
First Cabbie
That'll be two ninety.
Okay, here's three dollars. Wait for us, okay?
First Cabbie
[sarcastically]
Oh, sure.
Wise guy.
Hardware Store Clerk [emerges]
I'm sorry, we're closed. It's twelve o'clock on Sunday.
It's twelve o'clock, they're closed. Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
Hardware Store Clerk Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
Dinckler! That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on! [he and Monica entered the hardware store]
Fitzgerald [waking up]
Uh...Just a minute. I...I cahhn't see.
What?
Fitzgerald Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't - I cahhn't see!
You cahhn't see?! [to Benjy] He cahhn't see!
Must be an eye cold.
Fitzgerald George! George!
Man in Car in Desert [drives and stops by]
Trouble? Having any trouble?
Yes, and we don't need any help from you!
Man in Car in Desert [Brief pause] [offended]
Well! [drives off]
Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.
Listen, Dentist: I hate dentists! And I hate you so much, that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
And visa versa.
[enraged]
Why you...Come on over here! [Dingy and Benji run for their lives] Come on over here!
Monica [looking at a highway map]
Mount Shasta National Forest. Are we anywhere near Mount Shasta...
That's on the top. Look down near the bottom.
Monica Are we near Oregon?
It's seven hundred miles from here!
Now for the last time! Are we calling Sylvester or not?!
No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to BECOME a crook!
I say: Good show!
Mrs. Morgan
(A very funny line)
. Comedian Groucho Marx was written in to play a doctor to say a line at the end of the movie. He turned it down. He jokingly said he would be "Mrs. Morgan" in a letter to a fan.
[honking the car horn as he pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage]
Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on! [clapping his hands over and over] Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
[spotting an angry Pike approaching]
Oh, no! It's that lunatic! The one who escaped from the asylum! He's a homicidal maniac! He's got a hate complex! Go away, I'm not your nurse!
[about his mother-in-law]
And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...
Listen, anything you can say about your mother in law, you don't have to tell me! You know what I mean? It's like, if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it!
[pulling a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van]
Here, take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
But...this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
Oh, okay...I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean? [nonetheless pedals away on the bicycle]