So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!
Let me explain once more. [Points pen at J. Russell Finch, Mrs. Marcus, and Emmeline Marcus-Finch] Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. [Points pen at Dingy Bell and Benjy Benjamin] Those over there, them, they get $97,000. [Points pen at himself and Monica] We, we, us they get $84,000. [Points pen at Pike] And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.
What do you mean "tax free"?
C Culpeper
I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there.....to throw the book at!
D Dispatcher
Attention, all units. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let them out?
C Culpeper
How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?! We've got to let them out!
PS Police Sergeant
That ain't fair.
C Culpeper
It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
PS Police Sergeant
They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
C Culpeper
But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
PS Police Sergeant
Ah. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
C Culpeper
Ummm. [over the speaker] Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over. [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
[Last lines; after they got injured by the ladder and putting the men into the prison hospital with bandages and casts] [to Culpeper]
It's all your fault, It's your fault right from beginning to end!
You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous!
Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no! You just had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.
We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... [turns to Culpeper] ...what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
C Culpeper
I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there...to throw the book at!
2C 2nd Cabbie
Awww...that's tough! [laughs along with the 3rd Cabbie who smiles to Culpeper]
C Culpeper
I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there will be something that I could laugh at, anything.
[Benjy finished eating the banana and throws the banana peel on the floor. Mrs. Marcus, Emmeline and Monica enter the hospital room, wearing blue prison dresses] [yelling at the bandaged men]
Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...! [slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor]
[All the hospitalized men, except Sylvester and Culpeper, burst out laughing uproariously] [yelling while being put on the stretcher and taken away by the doctors]
Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!!!
[Then Culpeper joins the laughter]
