It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) · 26 quotes
Tied for 6th most-quoted character in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963): in 5 of its 26 quotes
Most scenes with: Russell (3), Mrs. Marcus (3)
Col. Hawthorne Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
Col. Hawthorne Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
Sounds so foreign.
Col. Hawthorne Really?
Now for the last time! Are we calling Sylvester or not?!
No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to BECOME a crook!
Col. Hawthorne I say: Good show!
I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
Col. Hawthorne Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.
Col. Hawthorne And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.
You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned, the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago. [Hawthorne screeches to a stop] What are you stopping for?
Col. Hawthorne Get out of this machine.
Get out? You can't...
Col. Hawthorne It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well, please. Out!
I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
Col. Hawthorne Glad to hear you say so. [drives again] I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.
Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
Col. Hawthorne Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
Let's stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.
Col. Hawthorne Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
It's all your fault, It's your fault right from beginning to end!
Col. Hawthorne You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous!
Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no! You just had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.
We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
14 into $350,000...
I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... [turns to Culpeper] ...what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there...to throw the book at!
Awww...that's tough! [laughs along with the 3rd Cabbie who smiles to Culpeper]
I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there will be something that I could laugh at, anything.
Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...! [slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor]
Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!!!
[Then Culpeper joins the laughter]
