[lifting a floor tile; smiling maliciously]
We’re stealth ninjas. We make no sound.
Right. Gotcha. [kicks the door open, much to Gru’s astonishment] Ya!
[maliciously]
Alright, El Macho. You're going down.
What? [Lucy takes a spray can out of her purse and starts spraying the air; confused] What are you doing?
I'm checking for laser beam alarm triggers.
It's a restaurant! [looks at her sternly]
You never know what booby traps this guy could've set, huh? Come on!
There are no booby traps. [accidentally steps on a wire unseen, triggering and ringing a bell]
Ha! [pointing to the bell] Booby! [The door leading to the kitchen suddenly opens, causing Lucy to become startled, quickly hiding behind Gru. The shadow reveals none other than a chicken] Huh, there's a chicken. [gasps] Are you lost, little guy? You must be lost!
[points to the chicken, referring to it; smug]
Ha! Some guard dog. [the chicken suddenly leaps on him, continuously pecking his bald head] Aah! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!
Gru, call one of your munchkins!
[by communicator; to his minions]
We've been spotted! Come get us!
Huh? [to Stuart] Hey! Loo-koo-meow-plah!
[Dave and Stuart break in to Paradise Mall using Lucy's car. They try to keep her car in control while driving, but accidentally push a cleaning cart blocking their way. From the balcony, Gru and Lucy see the car controlled by the Minions which causes wreckage while driving in circles around the fountain]
Hm. Subtle.
[As the car keeps driving in circles in the main hall, Gru and Lucy run off the balcony from the inactive escalator] [attempting to stop the car]
Over here! Over here! Over... [the car passes by him and Lucy; flatly] ...here. [As the out of control car driven by the Minions goes up the escalator, Gru takes a pistol out of his jacket, then shoots out a grappling hook, connecting himself to the balcony railing; grabs Lucy] Hold tight!
[The two zip to the balcony again by Gru‘s grappling hook pistol, but Lucy’s car passes by them again; Gru groans in frustration while hanging on the handrail. Once seeing Eduardo, Lucy and Gru get off the handrail, then run as fast as they can. However, they are noticed until Gru accidentally hits a cactus unharmed] [pulls out some knives; chuckles]
I have you now! [gets tackled by Lucy’s car from behind, scattering his knives all over; Gru remains hidden, while Lucy approaches her car, then opens the car door, revealing Dave and Stuart staring at her]
[holding a toothpick like a cigarette]
Rawr, rawr. [Stuart pushes the gas pedal twice. Not soon after, Lucy takes over the steering wheel and drives past the unconscious Eduardo, breaking out of the mall. Once they start plummeting to the ground, Gru screams hysterically until Lucy presses a button, transforming her car into a jet and they take off]
[enters the Italian restaurant]
Hi. Take-out for Lucy?
H Hostess
Sure. Just a sec. [leaves off; After the hostess left, Lucy narrows her eyes, then hides behind a aquarium. She sees Gru and Shannon, who’s doing sit-ups, before she presses a button on her watch that turns into a eavesdropping device that she puts in her ears]
S Shannon
[heard through Lucy’s high tech eavesdropping device]
Your accent is so exotic.
Ah. Well, thank you very much. I was...
S Shannon
I know someone who can fix that for you and you’ll be talking normal in no time.
[laughs awkwardly; sweating]
Whew. Is it hot in here? How’s the food?
S Shannon
[pause]
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you wearing a wig?!
What? [noticing his wig is in a wrong direction, quickly rotates it back; nervously] I don't think so!
S Shannon
I knew it. You're a phony. I hate phonies!
Oh... what? No, these locks are all mine...
S Shannon
No, they're not! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna rip that thing off your head and show everyone [heard through eavesdropping device] what a bald-headed phony you are!
I don't think so, Miss Lady. [calmly activates her watch, revealing a target sight along with a couple of darts. Meanwhile, Gru watches in horror as Shannon approaches him. Suddenly, Lucy shoots a tranquilizer dart at Shannon’s buttocks, rendering her unconscious before she can remove the wig off Gru’s head and landing with her face in the spaghetti]
[confused]
Hello? Hello... Are you...
[removes his wig]
Hello, Lucy! How you doin'?
Wow, looks like your date's out for the count. It's like she's been shot with a mild moose tranquilizer. [Shannon moans unconsciously like a moose, then passes out again; Lucy winks at Gru, who suddenly smiles and stares at her awkwardly; whispering] Yeah, I'm winking 'cuz that's what actually happened.
W Waiter
[hurries to the table, politely]
'Scusi, whassa happenin' here? She no like?
Uh, she's just uh... Glurp glurp... [makes a sign to the waiter that Shannon drank too much]
W Waiter
Oh, si, si! [laughs nervously and moves away]
[to Gru; referring to Shannon]
Shall we take her home?
[to herself; out of breath]
Oof, wasn’t expecting that. [strikes a martial arts pose] Or was I? [turns to Gru] Ooh, you got... you got a little of... [a purple frosting-covered Gru gives her a deadpan glare. A second later, a cupcake slowly falls off his head, leaving a long smear on it] Here, I’ll...I’ll get it... [tries to remove the icing off a dumbstruck Gru’s face] Oh, that’s just spreading... um...
All right, all right. I got it, I got it! [irritated] Stop it!
[backs off]
Oh. [takes a deep breath] I'll let you get it. [Gru sighs and rubs the icing off his face, then uses his scarf like a towel to clean it] Yeah, what you just saw there was a little something new I have been working on. It’s a combination of Jujitsu, Krav Maga, Aztec warfare and [singing] krumpin'!
[annoyed]
Okay, that’s weird. Why are you here?
[suddenly appears in front of Gru]
On assignment from Silas. [grabs Gru by his jacket's lapels; excited] I’m your new partner! Yay! [starts dancing]
What?! No, no [mocking] yay! [normal voice] Ramsbottom didn’t say anything about a partner.
Well, it seems that because of your checkered past, everyone else refused to work with you. But not me! I stepped up. And I’m new, so I kind of have to do what they tell me anyway.
[comes out of the kitchen, then shows them a Minion-shaped cupcake]
Voila!
[However, Lucy, thinking Dave is an enemy, sweeps the cupcake from his hands, smashing it into pieces. She then grabs Dave, puts and pins him on the counter; Dave starts screaming, feared of getting attacked] [referring to Dave; to Gru]
You know this guy?
[calmly]
Yes, he's one of my Minions.
[groans in disappointment and smiles embarrassingly]
Oh, I’m sorry. I should have known. [to Dave, releasing him] You’re free to go.
[Dave jumps off the counter, but as he leaves for the kitchen, Lucy smiles at him. This causes Dave to daydream about her, from walking with Lucy, following both having a toast to finally attempting to kiss each other until...] [v.o.]
Dave... [cut on a love struck Dave air kissing; whistles] Earth to Dave!
[snaps out and sees Gru and Lucy looking at him]
Huh?
Oh, uh... [gibberish, then enters the kitchen]
I apologize for our methods of getting you there.
I don't! I'd do it again in a heartbeat! And I am not gonna lie, I enjoyed that. Every second of it. Gave me a bit of a buzz, actually...
[interrupts Lucy]
That's enough, Agent Wilde.
Okay, this is bogus! [peels the starfish off his head and drops it onto Stuart's, who is made fun by Dave a second later] I don't know who you people think you are, but...
We are the Anti-Villain League. An ultra-secret organization dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. Rob a bank? We're not interested. Kill someone? Not our deal. But if you want to melt the polar ice caps? Or Vaporize Mount Fuji? Or even [points his golden tea spoon at Gru] steal the moon? Then we notice.
First of all, you got no proof that I did that. Second, after I did do that, I put it back!
We're well aware of that, Mr. Gru. That's why we brought you here. I am the league's director, Silas Ramsbottom.
[smirks]
Bottom. [starts laughing along with Dave]
[unamused]
Hilarious. [sighs; to Lucy] Agent Wilde...
Oh, me now? [turns to the screen, which reveals the crime being commited earlier at the beginning] Um, recently an entire top secret lab disappeared from the Artic Circle. Yeah, the entire lab. Just whoosh. Voom. Gone. Where did it go?
[uninterested]
I don't care.
Hmm, the lab was devoted to experiments involving PX-41. A transmutation serum. What is PX-41, you ask? Mmm, It's pretty bad... Look.
[One of the scientists on the monitor injects a bunny with PX-41 serum. Once he does, Gru, Dave and Stuart lightly wince with disgust, but become interested once they see the injected bunny mutate into a purple monster. But when the mutated bunny attacks the scientist, threatening to kill him, Dave and Stuart pass out in shock once seeing this while Gru covers his eyes with his arms until the mutant attacks the camera and the video ends.]
[opens his eyes]
Huh, you usually don't see that in bunnies.
As you can see, in the wrong hands, the PX-41 serum, could be the most devastating weapon on Earth. [struggles to get through a table opening] Fortunately, it has a very distinct chemical footprint. And, using our latest chem tracking technology, we have found traces of it in Paradise Mall.
Precisely. And we believe one of these shop owners is a master criminal. And that's where you come in. As an ex-villain, you know how a villain thinks, how a villain acts.
The plan is to set you up undercover at a shop in the mall where hopefully...
[cuts her off]
Okay! I see where this is going, with all the Mission Impossible stuff, but no. No! [calmly] I'm a father now. And a legitimate business man. I am developing a line of delicious jams and jellies.
[laughs mockingly]
"Jams and jellies"?
Oh, attitude! That's right! So thanks, but no thanks. [pauses] And here's a tip: Instead of tazing people and kidnapping them, [angrily] maybe you should just give them a call! Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt!
[chuckles; sarcastically]
Yeah, like that's any better.
I'm sorry. El Macho? Haven't we eliminated him as a suspect, after the whole "Salsa" incident?
Yes, but there has been a new development and I'm telling you: This is the guy. You need to arrest him immediately. And his deviously charming son! I'm pretty sure the son is involved in too. The son also. You got to get the son! [referring to Antonio; whispering] I think that the son is the mastermind. There is a look. There is a devilish look in his eyes and I don't like it! [gets back in his chair]
Yes, but I don't really see any evidence for-
[cuts him off]
Evidence, schmevidence! I go with my gut and my gut tells me this guy is El Macho! Lock him up! Lock up the son. Don't forget about the son. The kid GIVES ME THE CREEPS!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
Uh, but on the less [whistles] crazy side of things, uh, Gru discovered traces of the serum at Eagle Hair Club.
[regaining his interest]
Hmm, interesting.
Yeah! And you know who made that happen? Huh? [referring to Gru and pointing at him] This guy. Nailed it! Amazing, right?
No, I mean... Sure, but it's not him. It is... [whispering while glaring in Lucy's eyes] ...El Macho!
[gets out of his chair and back outside]
No. It is him! And I will prove it!
[tries to stop him with no luck]
Gru, c'mon. [turns to Silas; referring to Gru; chuckles nervously] He really thinks it's El Macho. [pause] Can you tell? [Silas gives her a bland glare]
[during Agnes' birthday party, Agnes looks up the disguised Gru, and sighs] [falsetto]
It is I, Gru... Zinkerbell, the most magical fairy princess of all! And I am here to wish Princess Agnes a very happy birthday! [throws a handful of fairy dust]
[raises her hand]
How come you’re so fat?
[falsetto]
Because… my house is made of candy, and sometimes, I eat instead of facing my problems!
How come you have... [Gru cuts her off; coughs]
[normally]
Okay, time for cake!
[All children, except Agnes, run to the table]
Thank you, Gruzinkerbell. You’re the best fairy princess ever.
[falsetto]
You are welcome, little girl.
[runs off, but quickly returns; whispering]
I know it’s really you, Gru. I’m just pretending for the other kids.
J Jillian
[Gru happily sees her running off, until he is approached by Jillian]
Hey there, Gru, Mr. Life of the Party!
[attempts a smile]
Hello, Jillian.
J Jillian
So, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but my friend Natalie is recently single, and... [Natalie falls down]
No, no, no. Get off the limb right now. No limb.
J Jillian
Oh, come... she’s a riot. She sings karaoke, she has a lot of free time, looks aren’t that important to her...
No, Jill’s, that is not happening. Seriously, I’m fine.
J Jillian
[calling after him]
Okay, fine. Forget Natalie. How about my cousin Linda?
[passes by Margo and Edith]
No.
J Jillian
Oh, oh! I know someone whose husband just died... [gets sprayed by Gru's garden hose]
[dryly]
I'm sorry. I did not see you there. [sprays her again] Or there. [drops the hose and walks away holding the palette, chuckling softly]
[Gru is surfing on his laptop, looking up information about El Macho, when he suddenly realizes his internet connection has been lost] [groans]
Kevin, the Wi-Fi's out! [pause] Kevin? [to a Minion] Hey, Lance, where the heck is Kevin? [Lance scoffs and shrugs; Gru sighs] All right. We need to revisit the number of vacation days you guys get. I can't find anybody anymore.
J Jillian
[The doorbell rings] [off-screen]
Gru! It's Jillian! [Annoyed by her, Gru shoots an imaginary bullet in his head, becoming really bored] I brought good news! [cut on her with another woman] I have my friend Shannon here with me. I was thinking, you two, can get some grub, you know, tear it up, see what happens! [cracks herself up; cut on Gru seeing Agnes approaching; off-screen] Uh, open up!
[whispers]
Agnes, Agnes. [Agnes stops singing] Tell Jillian I'm not here.
I mean, no. He didn't just tell me.
J Jillian
[laughs; peeking through the keyhole]
Agnes, where is Gru?
[Gru approaches Agnes, then makes a "zip your lips" gesture]
He's putting on lipstick. [Gru swings his arms wildly, convincing her to stop] He's swatting at flies!
No! [makes a "cut it off" gesture] No!
He's [skipping] chopping his head off! [Gru covers his head, groaning loudly] He’s [confused] pooping?
J Jillian
[pause] [off-screen]
I know you're in there, Gru! There's no way you're getting out of this.
[When Gru looks annoyed, realizing this is getting him nowhere, Kyle, with the wig that Gru received from Floyd Eagle-san in his jaws, approaches him]
[after Gru is saved from the evil minions]
Hello, Gru!
Hey, hey! Nice work, Dr. Nefario! [leaps onto the ship]
I put the antidote in the jelly. [pause] I mean, I’m happy to create an evil army and destroy the world. But nobody messes with my family.
Thank you, doctor. [determined] Now let’s go get the-! [suddenly sees his daughters holding jelly guns]
[excited]
Yes! [pauses briefly] Oh, was that wrong?
[As soon as the ship flies toward El Macho, the Grus start curing the minions inside his rockets] [firing a large jelly Gatling gun]
Woooo! Yeeeaaahhh!
[astonished]
What is happening to my Minions? [pauses] Gru?
You guys take care of the rest of the Minions. I’m going to find Lucy. [jumps out of the ship, armed with two big jelly guns. The ship lands near the entrance, then the girls and Minions jump out of it, holding and firing their jelly guns at the evil minions.]
Eat jelly, you purple freaks! [fires her jelly gun, but goes out of control, yet still capable of neutralizing a dozen minions. Meanwhile, Gru, on the other hand, shoots two evil minions off the roof support at once, then steps on one of the minions’ goggles, shooting the others in a slo-mo Matrix-style. El Macho kicks Evil Tom at Gru, who dodges, then shoots him back to normal with a grim look on his face]
It's over, El Macho. [aims one of his jelly guns] Now where is Lucy?
[chuckles]
Let me show you. [presses one of the buttons on his control panel, stopping the fountain at the center and revealing Lucy strapped to a rocket, along with a shark and 250 pounds of dynamite. Once seeing her, Gru gasps in horror]
Oh, hey, Gru! Turns out you were right about the whole El Macho thing, huh? [mildly] Yay!
One push of this button, and I send that rocket straight in the same volcano where I faked my death, only this time... It's for real.
[swings on a vine like Tarzan and snatches the remote from El Macho's hands]
Tally ho! [hits the roof support and drops the remote which hits three minions on their heads and on the ground]
We could have ruled the world together, Gru! But now... You're gonna die. [drinks the last of the PX-41 serum. Once he does this, Gru gasps before El Macho suddenly grows into a giant furry purple yeti and roars at him. Gru fires the jelly gun, but it is out of ammo. He then pulls out his freeze ray and encases each of El Macho’s fists in ice, but the latter slams his fists into the ground, shattering the ice and knocking Gru off the platform, forcing him to grab hold onto a scaffolding. Unfortunately, the scaffolding tips over and Gru falls on the ground. El Macho jumps off the platform, grabs the scaffolding, attempting to crush Gru, but the latter dodges by rolling before pulling out Lucy’s lipstick taser, hitting the former with it and causing El Macho to electrocute before collapsing on the ground]
[singing; pointing the weapon to El Macho]
Lipstick tazer!
[smiling]
Awwww... He copied me.
[Gru runs off the save Lucy; El Macho sees Gru's minions aiming their jelly guns at him] [dazed]
I am not afraid of your jelly guns.
Oh, this ain't a jelly gun, sunshine. [shoots the Fart Gun at El Macho’s face, rendering him unconscious. Not soon after, the Minions fire their jelly guns in the air, while one of them stands on El Macho, and takes a picture of Dr. Nefario. Meanwhile, Gru runs towards the rocket Lucy is strapped to and starts climbing on it']
[as Gru is climbing to her; calmly]
Don't worry about me, Gru, I'll be fine. I've survived lots worse than this... Okay, that is not entirely true. [switches from calmly to frantically] I'm actually kind of freaking out up here!
[attempting to free her]
Don't worry. I will get you out of this. [Once they see Pollito near the remote, both Gru and Lucy gasp; Pollito looks at them before pecking the red button on the rocket’s launch remote; grumbling, about Pollito] I really hate that chicken.
[The rocket’s engine ignite, causing the spies to take off into the sky; on land, the Minions and girls see Gru and Lucy take off in horror; as the rocket flies to the volcano, Gru holds himself tightly to the rocket, cutting Lucy free of the ropes using a knife, but once he cuts down the last rope, the dynamite and shark fall off the rocket, but before Lucy falls off, Gru grabs her before he slips off; the shark falls on a table of a sushi bar where the customers and sushi chef cheer. Meanwhile, on the rocket, Lucy holds on to the missile fin while Gru rips one of the panels of the rocket open with his knife, revealing a mess of wires in it]
Is there a red one? It’s usually the red one! [Gru puts his knife between his teeth and madly starts pulling the red wire left and right. But even so, the rocket keeps moving; noticing they are approaching the volcano, nervous] Gru, anytime now!
[gasps the instant he sees the volcano and drops the knife]
Listen, Lucy, we may not get out of this alive. So, I need to ask you a question.
Uh, better make it quick.
If I had asked you out on a date, what would you have said?
[eager]
Are you kidding me?! Yes!
[smiles, then gasps and grabs Lucy]
JUMP!!! [leaps off the rocket, just seconds before it plunges in the volcano which explodes on impact. Despite their attempts to keep close to each other while falling, the debris and impact of the explosion hits Gru and Lucy, who lose each other's grasp and fall into the water. Gru swims back up, gasping for air; desperately] Lucy! [frantically swims around] Lucy, where are you?! [a moment later, Lucy swims up behind him, gasping for air; relieved] Oh... Lucy! [swims towards her]
[eagerly]
Gru! [hugs him, sending both into the water, then swim back out, gasping for air; trying to keep Gru at a distance; embarrassed] Sorry! I guess you kind of need your arms to tread water, huh?
[Without saying anything to Lucy, realizing his feelings for her, Gru firmly grabs her hand, then gently pulls her closer to him while she puts her free hand on the other shoulder. The two stare at each other, in love. A second later, a rowboat, being rowed by a Minion, encouraged by another sitting on top, shouting “Echo! Echo!” in a bullhorn, passes by to pick up Gru and Lucy, who look at the kayak for a few seconds, but ignore it soon after and stare at eachother again]
[referring to the Minions; calmly]
They’ll be back.
[after taking Shannon back home]
Well, I think you did it. You just officially had the worst date ever.
Don’t worry, it can only get better from here, right? But if it doesn’t, you can always burrow my dart gun. I’ve had to use it on one or two dates myself.
Yeah, you know, as far as dates go, I think I’m good with just the one. [chuckles nervously]
[silence, until Lucy pats Gru on the shoulder]
Well, good night, partner. [starts walking toward her car. Gru gets up to walk beside her] This was fun.
Yes. Surprisingly, it was.
Oh, and uh, just between you and me? You look much better bald. [the spies exchange looks as Lucy pecks Gru on the cheek before happily leaving him] See you tomorrow! [Gru smiles happily as she takes off, unaware of Shannon falling off the porch behind him]
[After the party, Gru takes Kyle outside. Unbeknownst to both of them, they are being watched]
Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, no! Do not do your business on the petunias! [picks Kyle and drops him in the yard next door] There you go, those are Fred's. Go crazy. [Kyle does his business, killing the plant; chuckles sinisterly] Good boy.
[stuttering]
Wha, I didn't, wha... Yes?
[appears on-screen]
Hi. Agent Lucy Wilde of the AVL. [shows her AVL ID-card, but notices she shows it upside-down] Oops. [giggles nervously, then becomes serious] Sorry. You're gonna have to come with me.
Oh, sorry. I- [suddenly takes his freeze out of his polo, then aims and fires at Lucy] Freeze ray!
[However, Lucy silently counters the beam of Gru's freeze ray with the flames of her hair dryer-shaped flamethrower, canceling eachother out]
You know, you really should announce your weapons [takes a tube of lipstick out of her purse] after you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example, [presses a button on the tube, two barbs shoot into Gru, who drops his freeze ray when he is filled with electricity; in a happy singsong voice] Lipstick tazer! [Gru convulses, dances disco, and finally passes out due to the shock] Oh, it works so good.
