Most scenes together: Elwood Blues & 'Joliet' Jake Blues (16)
We got two honkies out there, dressed like Hasidic diamond merchants.
Say what?
They look like they're from the CIA, or somethin'.
What they want to eat?
The tall one wants white toast, dry, with nothin' on it.
Elwood.
And the short one wants four whole fried chickens, and a Coke.
And Jake. Shit, the Blues Brothers!
Are you the police?
No, ma'am. We're musicians.
What car are we?
Five-five.
Hi! This is car fifty-five...and...uh, we're in a truck!
Ah, those bums won their court case so they're marching today.
What bums?
The **** Nazi party.
Illinois Nazis!
I hate Illinois Nazis.
[The Blues Brothers promptly drive through the parade, forcing the Nazis to dive into the river] .
What's what?
This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? (Throws cigarette lighter out the window) The Caddy, where's the Caddy?
Elwood The what?
The Cadillac we used to have! The Bluesmobile!
Elwood Traded it.
You traded the Bluesmobile for this peice of shit?
No ... for a microphone.
A microphone? [Pause] Okay, I can see that. But what the hell is this?
I picked it up at the Mount Prospect police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving them away.
Well thank you, pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother comes to pick me up in a police car.
Elwood You don't like it?
Jake (Very long pause) No, I don't like it.
What?
This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? [tries the cigarette lighter, finds it doesn't work, and throws it out the window] The Caddy, where's the Caddy?
The what?
The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile.
I traded it.
You traded the Bluesmobile for this?
No, for a microphone.
A microphone? Okay, I can see that. But what the hell is this?
This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect City police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving them away.
Well, thank you, pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.
No, I don't like it.
It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters, so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say? Is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
What are we doing here?
You promised you'd visit the Penguin the day you got out.
Yeah? So, I lied to her.
You can't lie to a nun. We gotta go in and visit the Penguin.
Forget it! Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.
No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Well, then, I guess you're really up shit's creek. [the Penguin smacks him with her ruler] Ow!
I beg your pardon; what did you just say?
First, I offered to help you.
Mmmmm...
Then you refused to take our money.
Mmmhmmm...
And then I said, "I guess you're really up shit's creek". [the Penguin promptly smacks him again] Ow!
Christ, Jake. Take it easy, man.
Elwood! [hits Elwood]
Oh shit!
Cut it out, you fat penguin! [she breaks the ruler over his head, then chases them from the office while beating them with a pointer rod] **** this noise, man! [runs down the stairs]
You two are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you both. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves with filthy mouths, disgusting lies and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back...until you've redeemed yourselves.
Mystery Woman Well, Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.
No problem.
Mystery Woman You're not gonna get away from me this time. [recklessly fires around the tunnel, causing pipes to leak and water to burst out]
Mystery Woman You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
Oh, please, don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us! You know I love you, baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault!
Mystery Woman You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
No I didn't. Honest...I ran out of gas! I-I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!
Mystery Woman Oh, Jake...Jake, honey...
Let's go. [drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
It's got a cop motor, a 440-cubic-inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. So what do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
Fix the cigarette lighter.
The band? The band.
Reverend Cleophus James DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!
THE BAND!
Reverend Cleophus James DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!
Reverend Cleophus James HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?!
YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST! I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!
You! How much for your wife? Ha ha ha ha ha!
How much for the little girl? Your women - how much for the women? The little girl your 2 daughters, sell them to me, SELL ME YOUR CHILDREN!
You want out of this parking lot? OK!"
The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year.
