'Joliet' Jake Blues Yes! Yes! Jesus H. tap-dancin' Christ, I have seen the light!
Tied for most-quoted character in The Blues Brothers (1980): in 28 of its 61 quotes
Most scenes with: Elwood Blues (16)
How much for the little girl? Your women - how much for the women? The little girl your 2 daughters, sell them to me, SELL ME YOUR CHILDREN!
More lines from 'Joliet' Jake Blues
10 quotes 'Joliet' Jake Blues 'Joliet' Jake Blues [Again, at Chez Paul, talking in foreign accent]
You! How much for your wife? Ha ha ha ha ha!
'Joliet' Jake Blues I usually get inside the car so I can sign the check on the glove compartment lid.
'Joliet' Jake Blues I ran outta gas! I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from outta town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts!! It wasn't my fault I swear to God!!!
'Joliet' Jake Blues This don't look like no expressway to me!
'Joliet' Jake Blues You got us into this parking lot pal! Now you get us out!
'Joliet' Jake Blues If you say "no", Elwood and I will come here for breakfast, lunch and dinner - every day of the week.
'Joliet' Jake Blues First, you trade the Bluesmobile in for a microphone. Then, you lie to me about the band. Now, you're about to get me put back in the joint on the very day I just got out!
'Joliet' Jake Blues [During a car chase in a mall]
...disco pants and haircuts...
'Joliet' Jake Blues [Same car chase, after Elwood says baby clothes]
This place has got everything!
Scenes with 'Joliet' Jake Blues
17 scenes Jake [Jake and Elwood are arguing about the new Bluesmobile]
What is this?
What's what?
Jake (pause)
This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? (Throws cigarette lighter out the window) The Caddy, where's the Caddy?
Elwood The what?
Jake The Cadillac we used to have! The Bluesmobile!
Elwood Traded it.
Jake You traded the Bluesmobile for this peice of shit?
No ... for a microphone.
Jake A microphone? [Pause] Okay, I can see that. But what the hell is this?
I picked it up at the Mount Prospect police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving them away.
Jake Well thank you, pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother comes to pick me up in a police car.
Elwood You don't like it?
Jake (Very long pause) No, I don't like it.
It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake Hit it.
Jake [The Bluesmobile has just jumped an open drawbridge.]
Car's got a lot of pickup.
It's got a cop motor, a 440-cubic-inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. So what do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
Jake Fix the cigarette lighter.
Curtis You boys could use some churchin' up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock and catch Rev. Cleophus.
Jake Curtis, I don't need some jive-ass preacher talkin' to me about heaven and hell!
Curtis Jake...you get wise...you get to church!
Shit.
Jake What?
Rollers. [police car]
Jake No?
Yep.
Jake Shit.
Jake God-damn it!
Man, I haven't been pulled over in six months. I'll bet those police cops have got SCMODS.
Jake SCMODS...?
State County Municipal Offender Data System.
Jake First you trade the Cadilac for a microphone, then you lie to me about the band, and now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!
They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God!
Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
Jake How often does the train go by?
So often you won't even notice it.
Jake How you gonna get the band back together, Mr Hot-Rodder? Mr Motor Head? The cops got your name, your address!
No, they don't got my address. I falsified my renewal. Put down 1060 West Addison.
Jake 1060 West Addison? (pause) That's Wrigley Field!
Jake Four fried chickens and a Coke.
And some dry white toast please.
Jake [Held up by a Nazi parade] [To a patrolling officer]
Hey, what's going on?
Police Officer
Ah, those bums won their court case so they're marching today.
Jake What bums?
Police Officer
The **** Nazi party.
Illinois Nazis!
Jake I hate Illinois Nazis.
[The Blues Brothers promptly drive through the parade, forcing the Nazis to dive into the river] .
It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake Hit it.
Jake Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if we told you that what we're asking Matthew to do is a holy thing?
You see, we're on a mission from God.
Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are gonna turn around and walk right out of here - without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!
Jake [Jake and Elwood are driving in the new Bluesmobile, a former police car]
What's this?
What?
Jake This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? [tries the cigarette lighter, finds it doesn't work, and throws it out the window] The Caddy, where's the Caddy?
The what?
Jake The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile.
I traded it.
Jake You traded the Bluesmobile for this?
No, for a microphone.
Jake A microphone? Okay, I can see that. But what the hell is this?
This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect City police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving them away.
Jake [sarcastically]
Well, thank you, pal. The day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.
Jake No, I don't like it.
Jake [Elwood jumps the car over an opening drawbridge] [impressed]
Car's got a lot of pickup.
It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters, so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say? Is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
Jake [lights a cigarette using his own lighter]
Fix the cigarette lighter.
Jake [Later, Jake and Elwood arrive outside of Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud, a Roman Catholic orphanage in which they grew up] [not surprised]
What are we doing here?
You promised you'd visit the Penguin the day you got out.
Jake Yeah? So, I lied to her.
You can't lie to a nun. We gotta go in and visit the Penguin.
Jake [annoyed]
No. ****. Way.
Jake [Jake and Elwood are meeting with Sister Mary Stigmata, whom they refer to as "The Penguin"]
Forget it! Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.
Penguin
No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Jake Well, then, I guess you're really up shit's creek. [the Penguin smacks him with her ruler] Ow!
Penguin
I beg your pardon; what did you just say?
Jake First, I offered to help you.
Penguin
Mmmmm...
Jake Then you refused to take our money.
Penguin
Mmmhmmm...
Jake And then I said, "I guess you're really up shit's creek". [the Penguin promptly smacks him again] Ow!
Christ, Jake. Take it easy, man.
Penguin
Elwood! [hits Elwood]
Jake Oh shit!
Jake [The Penguin hits Elwood again]
Shit!
[The Penguin repeatedly hits Jake and Elwood as they keep yelling at her]
Cut it out, you fat penguin! [she breaks the ruler over his head, then chases them from the office while beating them with a pointer rod] **** this noise, man! [runs down the stairs]
Penguin
[Jake falls, with the desk he is sitting in breaking around him]
You two are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you both. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves with filthy mouths, disgusting lies and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back...until you've redeemed yourselves.
Jake [While standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock Church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]
The band? The band.
Reverend Cleophus James DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!
Jake THE BAND!
Reverend Cleophus James DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!
Reverend Cleophus James HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?!
Jake YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST! I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!
Mystery Woman Well, Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.
Jake No problem.
Mystery Woman You're not gonna get away from me this time. [recklessly fires around the tunnel, causing pipes to leak and water to burst out]
Jake [gets up, his suit ruined by the mud]
It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
Jake [walks forward a few steps and falls to his knees]
Oh, please, don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us! You know I love you, baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault!
Mystery Woman You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake No I didn't. Honest...I ran out of gas! I-I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!
Mystery Woman [Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire. Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal] [softens]
Oh, Jake...Jake, honey...
Jake [Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss] [to Elwood]
Let's go. [drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
