The Birdcage (1996) · 18 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Birdcage (1996): in 9 of its 18 quotes
Most scenes with: Armand Goldman (7)
Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?
Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.
Albert I see... I see.
It's just for tonight.
Albert I understand, it's just while people are here.
Albert Don't use that tone to me!
What tone?
Albert That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
You're not a woman.
Albert Oh, you bastard!
Albert Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
I made you short?
Albert Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!
What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Albert Oh, I could play it straight!
Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
Albert What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a ****!... Ah, **** 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!
Albert How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?
Albert No good?
Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.
Albert Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katharine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
All right, I'll bite, where are you going?
Albert To Los Copa.
Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.
Albert I know, that's why I'm packing light.
Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!
