Ernie Smuntz No capers? But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough? [He rings a counter-bell, looking around at the diner's customers] Alright! Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back?
Played by Nathan Lane 
MouseHunt (1997) · 32 quotes
MouseHunt (1997) · 32 quotes
Most-quoted character in MouseHunt (1997): in 25 of its 32 quotes
Most scenes with: Lars Smuntz (11)
Here you go, knock yourself out. [The mouse takes a bite of the string cheese and throws it down] No good, huh? Otis, more curry! [He gives him the next string cheese] Okay, try this one. [He eats it all up] Eh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've also got a great idea for a caviar-brie swirl and a peanut butter and jelly-provolone for the kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know some people who have used a mouse as a spokesperson and it seemed to work out pretty well...
More lines from Ernie Smuntz
9 quotes Ernie Smuntz Ernie Smuntz Yeah, I was on top once, too. And there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby! Down!
Ernie Smuntz I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse.
Ernie Smuntz Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!
Ernie Smuntz Pop's lucky string! That son of a bitch ate it!
Ernie Smuntz [when Lars accidentally hits Ernie with a broom]
What are you doing, ya stupid nitwit?!
Ernie Smuntz [when Lars accidentally smacks Ernie's hand with a hammer]
Are you trying to kill me?!
Ernie Smuntz [holding a tiny box, addressed to Fidel Castro in Havana, Cuba]
Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box! [He chuckles evilly]
Ernie Smuntz [Upon seeing the box, returned for insufficient postage]
I told you, you should have weighed him.
Scenes with Ernie Smuntz
15 scenes
[At the funeral of Rudolf Smuntz, his sons Lars and Ernie are bickering as they help carry his coffin out of the church]
Hold your end up higher. You're not holding it.
Ernie I am too.
You are not.
Ernie Don't worry about me. Say, isn't that suit charcoal?
No.
Ernie Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. You'd think you could find a black suit for your own father's funeral.
It's black.
Ernie No, I'm sure it's gray.
It's black!
Ernie Gray!
Black!
Ernie Gray!
Black!
Ernie Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.
It doesn't matter what color it is! [Lars's handle breaks off, causing everybody else to drop the coffin down the steps] I'm sorry, Pop. I'm sorry! [the coffin smashes into the hearse, sending Rudolf's corpse flipping into the air and headfirst down an open manhole, The opening credits starts - "DreamWorks Pictures Presents"]
Quick! Get him out of there!
Sewer worker
He's halfway to the harbor by now, bub.
Ernie Oh, well.
The Lawyer [reading the last will of Rudolf Smuntz to Ernie and Lars]
I leave you not just a model factory... but something infinitely more valuable. The future of string... itself. [Ernie opens the blade of the window and sees the factory is causing chaos, The opening credits end - "Directed by Gore Verbinski"] And thus, it is my dying wish that my two sons run Smuntz String together.
Ernie Great! Let's put a "For Sale" sign on the lawn and see what we can get.
We're not supposed to sell it, Ernie. We're supposed to run it, together.
Ernie Either way, this godforsaken museum piece is not worth a dime, now is it, Lars?
Some things are more important than money, Ernie.
Ernie [to the Lawyer]
Notice how it's always the financially-challenged who says that?
Rudolf [In Rudolf Smuntz' flashback]
My sons...
Ernie [reading a magazine]
Yeah, just a sec.
Rudolf I want you...to have...something. My most prized possession. [He holds a string]
Rudolf Not just any string. The string. I found it my first day in America.
Ernie What's with the string?
Rudolf I've had it in my pocket for 60 years. Here! [He gives the string to Ernie and Lars] I want you two to share it. Maybe it'll bring you closer together. You haven't talked much lately.
Ernie Yeah. [He starts to tug on it]
Rudolf Ach! What are you doing?
Ernie I'm breaking it in half.
Rudolf No!
Ernie No?
Rudolf I want you to share it. Forever.
Ernie Sure, Pop, sure. You carry it the first 50 years, I'll take it the next.
Sure.
Ernie And turn up the morphine drip a little.
Rudolf I heard that. [Ernie goes back to reading the magazine] Promise me... that you will never sell... Smuntz String... to one of those big conglomerates. Keep it between you. Brothers. Family. Promise.
I promise, Pop. [back in the present] I promise.
Ernie When I'm in the kitchen, I cook. I can't control every single thing that goes on in there.
You know, it really isn't fair for everybody to blame you. You didn't do anything wrong.
Ernie Yes, but society always needs someone to persecute. A scapegoat, someone to demonize. The same thing happened to Galileo.
Really? That's unbelievable. With a cockroach, and everything?
Ernie No. The point is, I put everything I had into that restaurant. It was my livelihood, and my home. In one fatal bite, it was all taken away from me. If only we could sell the factory.
I'd let you stay with me, you know, but, uh, April threw me out.
Ernie Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, well, don't worry about me, though, Ernie. This is temporary. April's been like this since high school. She'll be back. I...
Ernie Well, would you look at that? Sleeping in the street. Pitiful.
Homeless Man If I had a house, I'd sleep in it!
Ernie What?
I got a chill. You should never talk about Pop like that.
Ernie Really? What's this do for you? [He shouts] Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon!
He didn't mean it, Pop.
[staring at Ernie's triggered-but-empty mousetrap]
I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive, and left the pit just to mock us!
Ernie I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. [He starts pouring the cereal he had gotten] It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that... [the mouse suddenly falls out of the cereal box] Mouse!
[The brothers have covered the entire kitchen floor in baited mousetraps]
Don't you think this is a little... much?
Ernie Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say, he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, the chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says that one of them has to nab him.
That's pretty smart.
Ernie Yeah, well, I like to use both sides of my brain.
Maury the Handler [Lars and Ernie are at the animal shelter in search of a suitable mouse-hunting cat.]
Find the one you want, and I'll spay or neuter it myself.
Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.
Maury the Handler That's a switch. Most people want the cute little ones. Experience with what?
Ernie Mouse-hunting.
Maury the Handler Oh, all cats are good mousers.
Ernie Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of them, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably with a history of mental illness. I'm talking... one mean pussy.
Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You have any of those knocking around your cages?
Maury the Handler Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him. We were about to... gas him again.
Ernie & Lars Again?
Maury the Handler [Maury the Handler leads the brothers to a chained-and-padlocked crate]
He's spent most of his life in that box, I expect...
Ernie [reading a tag tied to the crate]
"Catzilla"?
Maury the Handler Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that, but you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy".
[leaning down]
Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!
Ernie You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too, extremely ug...
[The cat lunges, until Maury the Handler subdues him with a taser] [seeing his ripped coat sleeve]
Oh, you little bastard!
Ernie We'll take him!
Ernie [after turning Catzilla loose in the house...]
Wow... I almost feel sorry for the little fella.
Ernie & Lars [they pause]
...Almost! [the two laugh]
Caesar [The brothers have hired an exterminator named Caesar, who explains his methods]
Here's your problem: normal people are not psychologically-equipped to catch mice. You have to get inside their minds, you have to know what they want, need. You have to think like a mouse. If you can do that, if you can think like a mouse, you can anticipate their moves, and then... boom! Sayōnara, mouse.
Well, you've got some great stuff. [He picks up a can of pesticide]
Caesar Whoa! Never touch that! [The brothers panic and throw the can around until Caesar catches it]
What is that?
Caesar The big one.
Ernie It's a flea bomb.
Caesar Works on mice, too.
Ernie Yeah? Well, it'd better! Because we can't handle any more intrusions.
Caesar Sure, that's how you perceive it. But to the mouse... You are the intruder.
Ernie [The brothers later arrive at the house to see a delirious Caesar being carried out on a stretcher by paramedics]
Oh, my God!
Caesar, what happened?
Paramedic Please, sir, he's not well.
Ernie Try to think! Did you kill the mouse?
Caesar What's that? Horse?! Fiendish! I won't eat it! [He keeps ranting and raving as he's carried away]
[After hearing ZeppCo's message about Ernie's proposal with them...]
Betrayed by my own brother.
Ernie Betrayal? Don't talk to me about betrayal! You should have told me about that offer! Half that factory is mine!
And half is mi... And half is mine, including the half that you tried to sell!
Ernie Yeah, and it would have, if it hadn't been for that stinking bus!
Bus? You can't leave well enough alone, can you? You ruin everything!
Ernie Me? You blame me for this?
Well, look! [He points to the big hole caused from the bug bomb] You blew a hole in the floor!
Ernie Well, I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot, shoot!"
Yeah, yell, you've never listened to me before!
Ernie And you know why?
Why?
Ernie Because I have no respect for you! Spending your whole life in that stupid factory! It's tragic.
You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life? You think I didn't have ambitions of my own?
Ernie Oh, come on, you love string.
I didn't love string.
Ernie Well, you could have fooled me. You and Pop were always huddled together running some piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did, I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for is 70th birthday.
Ernie Yes, you remember! I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect! Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with. [He sighs] He was crazy. But I still wanted his approval. I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out.
There you go again. Blaming everything else but yourself. You think you're a success. Huh? Well, you... [He points at Ernie] ...can't...cook!
Ernie I hate you!
And I hate you!
Ernie Not as much as I hate you!
Yeah?!
Ernie Yeah, double! Double! Oh, give me something! I'm gonna brain you!
Here it is!
Ernie Oh, yeah, give it to me! Go ahead!
Ernie [In the midst of an argument, Lars throws an orange at Ernie, but the orange hits the mouse instead. Ernie sees the unconscious mouse on the table in shock]
You killed him! [He laughs with joy as Lars walks over]
I didn't even know he was there!
Ernie Just think of all the trouble we could have saved ourselves if we just threw fruit at him in the first place!
Look! He's still breathing!
Ernie Well, kill him, kill him! Find a blunt object! There!
Ernie Let him have it. [Lars hesitates] What the hell are you waiting for?!
I can't just hit him with a shovel.
Ernie Why not?
Well, look at him, he's pathetic.
Ernie Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!
Well, Ernie, he's a living thing.
Ernie Not for long! Give me that! [He snatches the shovel from Lars and prepares to kill the mouse, but hesitates] I can't! [he hits himself in the head with the shovel and starts crying] Look at him just lying there! It just doesn't feel very sportsman-like.
[The mouse starts regaining consciousness]
We'd better do something quick! I think he's coming to!
Ernie [At the house's auction, Ernie is greeting the guests near the buffet table] [greeting an African prince]
Ah, Hakuna Matata.
New York Lady
The crepés are magnificent. The raisins are a nice touch.
Ernie They are good, aren't they? [He looks confused] Raisins? [He checks a tray for mouse droppings]
Ernie [Having been flooded out of the house in the brothers' last attempt to kill the mouse, the angry auction guests are leaving]
Hey! Don't go! The water was just a… a demonstration of... of how durable a LeRue really is! [he laughs] How about that, huh? Now, you know... this house will last forever! [the house suddenly collapses]
Reporters
[People gather at Chez Ernie as they greet Mayor McKrinkle, his wife, and children, who enter a restaurant called Chez Ernie] [chattering]
Leslie
Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, over here! Mr. Mayor! Do you think your recent triple heart bypass affect your campaign strategy?
Mayor McKrinkle
Now, Leslie, I'm just here to eat.
Mayor and his family enter the restaurant
Ernie [French accent]
Ah, monsieur le maire, Madame maire, welcome to Chez Ernie. What an honour it is to have you in my humble bistro. Suivez-moi. You brought the little ones. The little bicycle thieves. Bonjour! Our very best table. Have you lost little weight?
Mayor McKrinkle
Oh, I--
Ernie I think so! I think you may be buff! Je suisse enchante pour votre beaute. You know what I mean?
The Mayor's Wife: Oh, Monsieur Ernie... [chuckles]
Ernie Excusez-moi. Au revoir, les enfants! [enters the kitchen to cook the lobster loaf and sighs] The air's not so thin at the top. Just like the old man to die before I hit it big. [A cockroach in Ernie's father's box of cigars opens the lid, and scurries toward the food] Remember, everyone. Attention to detail is vital! Presentation is everything. [stops the waiter] No, no, no, no, no! These I must deliver myself. [puts a fire on Duck a l'orange, brings all of the food and places on the table] Duck a I'Orange avec du quack sauce... And for ze Mayor, la specialite de la maison, Lobster Loaf a la Ernest ou la bibliotheque. Bon Appetit.
Mayor McKrinkle
Oh. [exhales]
Ernie Ah, bonjour!
Leslie
Chef Ernie. How does it feel to be serving the mayor on the eve of his campaign reelection?
Ernie Well, Leslie... May I call you Leslie?
Leslie
Ah, of course.
Mayor McKrinkle
[eats the lobster loaf almond without noticing the cockroach in his food, mistakenly biting his head off]
Crunchy! Hmm. I love the almonds.
Ernie Leslie, cuisine, she is a fickle mistress...
Becky
[notices the cockroach's body]
EW! Look! [picks the cockroach's body up with a fork and sees his head missing] A cockroach!
Betty
[All the reporters, shocked, go to the family table]
That's only half a cockroach.
Becky
[as the mayor now realizes that he has eaten the cockroach's head, which is what he has eaten, he suddenly feels sick for seeing the headless cockroach, that grosses out the kids]
Daddy, you ate the head!
The Mayor's Wife: [clutches the mayor's shoulder] Honey, are you OK? [the mayor immediately spits his food and spews the cockroach's head out onto the table and chokes from his vomit as the cockroach's head crawls away from his puke. Becky and Betty grab knives, and start trying to stab the cockroach's head, which crawls away to avoid getting killed. The mayor holds himself, coughs while clutching his chest in agony until he falls off, then collapses to the floor, screaming, much to his wife's shock, forcing her to scream too when the news reporters crowd around him, due to this causing him to have a heart attack from the shock and fall over unconscious when he swallows the cockroach and passes out] Not again!
Reporters
Was this an accident or did you murder him...? [traumatised at this incident, Ernie just stands there, looking quite aghast by this, as the news reporters now crowd around him, demanding to know if he either intended to murder the mayor or if it was an accident]
Paramedic Clear!
Betty
[The paramedics take the mayor away, put him in the hospital ambulance truck van, and try vainly to revive him, but fail when it's no use as he's dead, and try again several times again to revive him. As they try again, hoping to revive him, the kids play outside, and much to Ernie's sorrow, the restaurant closes]
That's it.
Becky
I can do that better!
[The Mayor's Wife ends up crying and blubbering while Ernie feels sorry for what he accidentally did to the mayor]
