Armand Goldman quotes from The Birdcage (1996)

Armand Goldman

Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle-aged ****. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. **** the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Armand Goldman

My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit. [sigh] What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.

Armand Goldman

Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.

Armand

Why are you giving him drugs? What the hell are Pirin tablets?

It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.

Armand

My God, what a brilliant idea!

I know.

Armand

Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.

Albert

I see... I see.

It's just for tonight.

Albert

I understand, it's just while people are here.

Albert

Don't use that tone to me!

Armand

What tone?

Albert

That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Armand

You're not a woman.

Albert

Oh, you bastard!

Albert

Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Armand

I made you short?

Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Armand

Your what?

My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?

Armand

You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.

Albert

Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

Armand

What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert

Oh, I could play it straight!

Armand

Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!

Albert

What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!

Armand

Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a ****!... Ah, **** 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

Armand

Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!

Albert

How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?

Albert

No good?

Armand

Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

You were so terrified, it was so sweet.

Armand

I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!

I paid the doorman $20 - $20, in those days!

Armand

Oh, God. And I thought, "What the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."

Albert

Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katharine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Armand

All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert

To Los Copa.

Armand

Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert

I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand

Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.