Jess Bhamra quotes from Bend It Like Beckham (2002)

Jess Bhamra

Anyone can cook aloo gobi, but who can bend a ball like Beckham?

Jess Bhamra

Me? Kissing? A boy? You're mad. You're all bloody mad.

At least I taught her full Indian dinner, the rest is up to God.

Your sister's getting engaged and you're sitting here watching this skinhead boy!

Jess

Mum, it's Beckham's corner!

Joe

Where do you normally play?

Jess

In the park.

Joe

No... I meant what position?

Jess

I'm sorry I missed that penalty, coach.

Joe

It's okay, losing to the Jerries on penalties comes natural to you English. You're part of tradition now!

Jess

I was eight. My mum was working overtime at Heathrow. And I was trying to cook beans on toast. And I jumped up to the grill to get the toast. And my trousers caught light so my sister put me in the bath, poured cold water over me and pulled them off. And half my skin came off too.

Joe

Sorry.

Jess

I know - it put me off beans on toast for life.

Joe

Look, Jess. I saw it. She fouled you. She tugged your shirt. You just overreacted, that's all.

Jess

That's not all. She called me a P**i. But I guess that's something you wouldn't understand.

Joe

Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I understand what that feels like.

Tony

Look, Jessie. You can't plan who you fall for. It just happens. I mean, look at... Posh and Becks.

Jess

Well, Beckham's the best.

Tony

Yeah! I really like Beckham too.

Jess

Well of course you do. No one can cross a ball or bend it like Beckham

Tony

No, Jess. I really like Beckham.

Jess

What? You mean... [incredulous scoff] But you're Indian!

Jess

Why are you doing this to me, Joe? Every time I talk myself out of it, you come around and make it sound so easy.

Joe

I guess I don't want to give up on you.

Joe

You're lucky... to have a family that cares that much about you. I can understand you don't want to mess with it.

Jess

Joe...

Joe

And I don't fancy being busted by your dad again. You better get back.

Jess

Joe! I'm going! They said I could go!

Oi, oi, oi!

Jess

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Joe

That's okay now. I'm not your coach anymore. We can do what we want.

Jess

Joe...

Joe

Your dad's not here, is he?

Jess

Joe... I'm sorry.

Joe

What?

Jess

I can't

Joe

Can I ask why?

Jess

Letting me go to America is a big step for my mum and dad. I don't know how they'd survive if I told them about you too.

Joe

I understand
[Both sorrowfully hug each other tightly]

Joe

Look, I can't let you go without knowing.

Jess

What?

Joe

That even with the distance, and it concerns your family, we might still have something. Don't you think?

..and there is Bhamra. It's a fine header, and she's scored! It's a goal by Jess Bhamra! A superb header, beating the defender,and planting the ball beyond the goalkeeper's left hand. Jess Bhamra makes a name for herself at Old Trafford!

And have we discovered a new star here, Gary Lineker?

That's right. John?

Absolutely.. hehe.

Could Bhamra be the answer to England's prayers? Alan?

Alan

Quick thinking, comfortable on the ball, vision and awareness - magnificent. Tell you what, I wish she was playing for Scotland!

John, have England found the player to relive their World Cup glory from '66?

Definitely, and the best thing is, she's not even reached her peak yet.

We're joined now by Jess's mother. You must be proud of your daughter.

Not at all! She shouldn't be showing her bare legs to 70,000 people! She's bringing shame on the family. And you three shouldn't be encouraging her! [Mrs. Bhamra faces the camera] Jesminder, you get back home now! (untranslated Indian language)[Scene changes to Jess' bedroom fixated on her television set oblivious to her mother at door] Jessminder? Are you listening to me? (untranslated Indian language) Jessminder?! Have you gone mad?! [Grabs remote and turns off TV] Football, shootball! Your sister's getting engaged, and you're sitting here watching this skinhead boy!

Jess

Mum, it's Beckham's corner!

Eh, come downstairs, and your sister's going crazy.

Pinky

I've got to go! Mum, where are my keys?

Jess

I'm sick of this wedding and it hasn't even started!

Pinky

That girl is a first-class bitch!

Pinky, you've got so many others!

Pinky

It was all planned now I gotta get another one! [To Jess wạlkịṇg dowṇ stạịrs] Will you get a flaming move on!

Jess

What the bloody hell's going on?

Pinky

Get this yeah? Teet's bloody sister says she's wearing baby pink now. Stupid flipping cow! I had matching accessories and everything!

Jess

Oh, Mum, do I have to go shopping again?

Ah! My mother chose all my 21 dowry suits herself. I never once complained. You girls are too spoilt! And don't forget my dhania. And more carrots. I'm making achar.

Both Jess and Pinky simultaneously

Oh, Mum, don't do pickle as well!

Oh, am I asking you to make it?!

Jess

I nearly scored from 20 yards today. Bent it and everything. I could have played all night. It's not fair that boys never have to come home and help. If I had an arranged marriage, would he let me play football whenever I wanted to? [Mr. Bhamra bursts into room]

Who are you talking to?

Jess

No one, Dad. [Mr. Bhamra sits on Jess' bed]

Okay, Biji and her grandson are staying in here for the wedding. Why don't you put up nice picture of beautiful sceneries instead of this bald man?

Jess

Dad!

I'm going to change. Come and help me out, okay?

Joe

Jess, what's going on?

Jess

It looks awful. It's why I can't wear shorts ever.

Joe

Jesus! That's a stunner! I thought I had a bad one on my knee, but yours is gorgeous! Look... Two operations later and it's still useless. [Pulls up pant leg to reveal gnarled scar on knee] Does yours affect your game? Look, don't worry about it. No one's gonna care once you're out there. What happened?

Jess

You don't want to know. Nah, it just looks awful. I was eight. My mum was Heathrow. And I was trying to cook beans on toast. And I jumped up to the grill to get the toast. And my trousers caught light so my sister put me in the bath, poured cold water over me and pulled them off. And half my skin came off too.

Joe

Sorry.

Jess

I know - it put me off beans on toast for life.

Joe

Come on. Mine stopped me from playing outright, yours doesn't. No more dawdling.

Jess

Sorry about your knee.

Joe

Yeah, yeah. I'm a right sob story, aren't I? Come on! I want to see some sweat on you!

Chi, chi, chi! He was touching you all over! Putting his hands on your bare legs! YOU'RE NOT A YOUNG GIRL ANYMORE! And showing the world your scar, ay yi yi...

Jessie, now that your sister's engaged... it's different. You know how people talk.

Jess

She's getting married, not me!

I was married at your age! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO LEARN HOW TO COOK DHAL!

Jess

Anyway I'm not playing with boys any more.

Good! (unknown Indian language) End of matter!

Jess

I'm joining a girls' team.

Ah?!

Jess

They're proper matches. The coach said I could go far.

Go far? Go far to where? Jessie, we let you play all you wanted when you were young, huh? You've played enough.

Jess

That's not fair! He selected me!

'He'?! She said it was girls!

Jess

The coach, Joe.

See how she lies? I don't want you running around half naked in front of men, huh? Look how dark you've become, playing in the sun!

Jess

But I'm really good!

Who will want a daughter-in-law who can kick a football all day but can't make round chapattis? Now exams are over, you'll learn full Punjabi dinner! Meat and vegetarian!

Jess

But, Dad...

No! This is where you spoil her! This is how it started with your niece, the way that girl would answer back and she ran off to become a model wearing small, small skirts!

Jess

Mum, she's a fashion designer!

She's divorced, that's what she is! Cast off after three years of being married to a white boy with blue hair! Her poor mother hasn't been able to set foot in that temple since. I don't want the shame on my family. That's it! No more football!

Jessie, your mother is right. It's not nice. You must start behaving like a proper woman. Okay?

Jess

Mum, I'm starving. I worked through my lunch hour today.

Where's Pinky? She was supposed to pick you up so you wouldn't be late for Poli. Pinky, why didn't you pick your sister up from work, huh?

Pinky

I went but the manager said I'd just missed her.

Okay, Poli's on her way. I'll make you girls some tea.

Pinky

Who is he, then?

Jess

Who?

Pinky

You must think I've got shit for brains, lying about a job and that!

Jess

Don't tell Mum and Dad. I kept Teet a secret for you.

Pinky

He's not a Muslim, is he?

Jess

Ssh! I've been playing football for a women's team.

Pinky

Huh? It's worse than I thought!

Jess

It's a tournament with real matches!

Pinky

What is wrong with you, Jess? At least lie for something good! Don't you want a boyfriend like everyone else? You're quite pretty you know. Do your hair, some make-up, you'd look all right.

Leave her alone. I never wore make-up until after I was married. Jessie's a good girl now. She helped me wash all the net curtains and she made lovely aloo Gobi last week.

Jules

When are you going to tell your parents about your game?

Jess

I don't know.

Jules

You can't keep lying. You're too good.

Cooey!

Jules

Hide the shoes!

Sweetheart!

Jules

Up here, Mum.

Oh, it's hot out there! Oh! Got company! Hello, love.

Jules

Mum, this is Jess.

Jess? Is that Indian?

Jess

It's really Jesminder, but only my mum calls me that.

Oh, that's nice. Jesmin-dah. Lovely! Well, Jesmin-dah, I bet your room at home doesn't look like this! Great big butch women on the wall!

Jules

Thank you, Mum, I'm not old like you!

Jess, I hope you can teach my daughter a bit about your culture, including respect for elders and the like, eh? Cheeky madam! Well, Jess... I expect your parents are fixing you up with a handsome young doctor soon. Pretty girl like you...

Jules

Mum! Stop embarrassing yourself!

What? Just being friendly! You don't mind, do you, love? Of course not! Now, are you a friend from school or work?

Jules

She's a footballer. She's on the team with me.

Teetu's father: We're not trying to cause trouble. We felt it our duty to tell you.

You know how hard it is for our children here. Sometimes they misjudge and start behaving like the kids here.
Teetu's mother: All I know is that children are a map of their parents.

Pinky

You stupid flippin' cow!

You've ruined your sister's life! Happy now?

Pinky

The wedding's off 'cause of you!

Jess

Me? Why?

They saw you being filthy with an English boy!

Jess

I wasn't with any English boy!

Pinky

They saw you at a bus stop kissing him! Why couldn't you do it in secret like everyone else?

Jess

Kissing? Me? A boy?! You're all bloody mad!

Jesminder, don't you use those swearing words!

Jess

I was at the 120 bus stop today but with Juliet. My friend. She's a girl, and we weren't kissing or anything for God's sake!

Do you swear on Babaji's name?

Jess

I swear on Babaji's name.

Sometimes these English girls have such short hair... You just can't tell.

They must have made a mistake.

His parents are just making an excuse. We were never good enough for them.

Pinky

No, I bet she was with some dykey girl from her football team! She's still been playing you know! She ain't got no job! She's been lying!

Why have I two deceiving daughters? What did I do wrong in my past life?

Pinky

But she's ruined my life!

Don't think I didn't knew you were sneaking out with that good-for-nothing Teetu as well!

Joe

I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, but I wanted to talk to you in person. I only found out today that you didn't know Jess was playing for our team.

No, we didn't.

Joe

I apologise. If I'd known, I would have encouraged Jess to tell you because I believe she's got tremendous potential.

I think we know better of our daughter's potential. Jess has no time for games. She'll be starting university soon.

Jess

But playing for the team is an honour!

What bigger honour is there than respecting your elders?

Jess

Mom!

Young man, when I was a teenager in Nairobi, I was the best fast bowler in our school. Our team even won the East African Cup. But when I came to this country, nothing. I was not allowed to play in any of the teams, and the bloody goras in their clubhouses made fun of my turban and sent me off packing!

Joe

I'm sorry, Mr. Bhamra, but now it's...

Now what? Our boys aren't in the football leagues. You think they will let our girls? I don't want you to build up Jesminder's hopes. She will only end up disappointed, like me.

Jess

It's all changing now. Ṇạsser Ḥusseịṇ is captain of the English cricket team and he's Asian.

Hussein is a Muslim name, their families are different.

Jess

Oh, Mum!

Jess

Pinks... How do you know Teets is the one?

Pinky

I just know. When you're in love with someone, you'd do anything for that person.

Jess

Pinks, do you think Mum and Dad would still speak to me if I ever brought home a gora?

Pinky

Who?!

Jess

No one. I'm just saying.

Pinky

It's that coach bloke innit! I knew something was up when he turned up here!

Jess

Nothing's happened.

Pinky

Well, make sure it doesn't, all right? You can marry anyone you want. It's fine at first when you're in love and all that but do you want to be stared at, by every family that do because you married the English bloke?

Jess

He's Irish.

Pinky

Well, they all look the bloody same to them, innit? Why go to so much grief when there's so many good-looking Indian boys to marry? Now, they wear good clothes, got flashy jobs and even know how to cook and wash up! Hey, how bout that Tony? He's been mad on you for ages!

Joe

Your parents didn't look too pleased yesterday. Have you come to tell me you're off the team for good?

Jess

It's not fair. I'm either going to let the team down or piss them off, and I don't want to upset anyone.

Joe

Why are they so frightened to let you play?

Jess

They want to protect me.

Joe

From what?

Jess

This is taking me away from everything they know.

Joe

Whose life are you living, Jess? If you try pleasing 'em for ever, you're gonna end up blaming 'em.

Jess

What, like you? [Joe puts on a dejected face] I'm sorry.

Joe

No, you're right. I stopped talking to my dad because we had nothing to talk about. Spent a year getting pissed trying to forget about the game, but I couldn't.

Jess

Yeah, but I can't just stop talking to them, like you.

Joe

I don't talk to my dad because I know what he'd say. He'd piss himself if he knew I was coaching girls!

Jess

How do you know that? How do you know he wouldn't be proud that you didn't just give up? You should be proud of what you've given all of us.

Joe

Then why are you giving up?

Jess

What you playing at?

Piss off, Paki! [Jess repeatedly shoves the opposing player]

Go away. Number 7, come here.

What's the matter with you, ref?

Number 7. [Gives a penalty marker to Jess] Violent conduct towards a player.
Jess' teammates: No! You can't do that! You haven't seen any of it, have yah? It's out of order!

She is so hard!

Oh, man! Unlucky, Tony, mate!
...

Joe

What the hell's wrong with you, Bhamra?! I don't ever want to see anything like that from you ever again! We're lucky they're not suspending players from this tournament! Excellent! We've got QPR in the final. Three cheers - hip, hip!

Hurray!

Joe

Hip, hip!

Hurray!

Joe

Hip, hip!

Hurray!

Joe

Brilliant!

Jess

Why did you yell at me like that? You knew the ref was out of order!

Joe

You could have cost us the tournament!

Jess

But it wasn't my fault!

Jess

You didn't have to shout at me!

Joe

I'm your coach. I have to treat you the same as everyone else

Joe

Look, Jess. I saw it. She fouled you. She tugged your shirt. You just overreacted, that's all.

Jess

That's not all. She called me a Paki. But I guess that's something you wouldn't understand.

Joe

Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I understand what that feels like.

Jess

What are you doing?!

Tony

We can make the second half if we go now.

Jess

My mum and dad will go spare! I wouldn't ruin it for them.

Tony

They won't even notice.

Jess

I can't! Look how happy they are. I wouldn't want to ruin it for them.

What are you going to ruin?

Jess

Nothing Dad.

Tony

It's the final of the football tournament. I can drive there. Pick up her kit along the way. It won't take long.

Jess

Stop it, Tony. It doesn't matter. I don't want to spoil the day for you and Mum.

Pinky is so happy and you look as if you're at my funeral.

Jess

I'm sorry, Dad.

If this means I'll see you smiling on your sister's wedding day, then go now, but when you come back, I want to see you happy on the video. Play well and make us proud. [Jess hugs her fạther appreciatingly]
...

Jess

Joe! What's happening?

Joe

Start warming up, Bhamra. We're one-nil down, half an hour to go.