Joe "Coop" Cooper Steve Perry. Steeeve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!"
Played by Trey Parker 
BASEketball (1998) · 37 quotes
BASEketball (1998) · 37 quotes
Most-quoted character in BASEketball (1998): in 24 of its 37 quotes
Most scenes with: Doug Remer (14), Kenny "Squeak" Scolari (6)
: I don't have your **** ball!
More lines from Joe "Coop" Cooper
8 quotes Joe "Coop" Cooper Joe "Coop" Cooper Yeah. I made it myself, you know. If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels.
Joe "Coop" Cooper Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... ****!
Joe "Coop" Cooper No, it's not like horse.
Joe "Coop" Cooper Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?
Joe "Coop" Cooper [in Cartman's voice]
Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm ****in' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm ****in' fat as ****.
[with Australian accent] How to speak San Franciscan?
Joe "Coop" Cooper [He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]
Vagina!
If I had a nickel for every time that ball saved me, I'd have a shitload of nickels!
Joe "Coop" Cooper [He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]
Vajoina!
[Referee calls Coop out for the psyche out] Oh, come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke! Aww! Awwww!
Scenes with Joe "Coop" Cooper
15 scenes Joe Cooper [standing at the front door]
It's Coop and Remer.
We graduated with Britney.
Dr. Kaiser You graduated?
Joe Cooper Of course we graduated, **** - Beer?
Joe Cooper Oh hey, Stef!
Stephanie Coop! Remer!
Joe Cooper You wanna beer?
Stephanie Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!
Joe Cooper Oh, cool.
Stephanie No, it isn't.
Joe Cooper ****. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
“Skidmark” Steve Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?
Joe Cooper Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. ****.
Joe Cooper Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out your zipper
Yeah, I could
No, dude, you're a little bitch
I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys!
Joe Cooper ...cause you're a piece of shit
I am not a piece of shit!
Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch
Joe Cooper Sure are!
God-damnit man! I swear you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm outta here!
Joe Cooper With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!
That's kidneys, Coop.
Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Dude, that is so ****in' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joe Cooper Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Yeah I could.
No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joe Cooper 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
I am not a piece of shit!
Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!
Joe Cooper Who's this guy?
He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.
Joe Cooper Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? **** sellout.
Joe Cooper Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally **** me there!
Dude, relax. It was a joke.
Joe Cooper Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!
You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.
Hey, you think?
Joe Cooper That is low. You son of a bitch.
Why is that low?
Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!
Joe Cooper [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas]
Shoot for it.
Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!
Joe Cooper Right, so just shoot for it. And if you get it in, you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.
Or bitch.
Joe Cooper Steve Perry.
Huh?
Joe Cooper Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.
[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]
Joe Cooper What is something you really want?
Joey
Chelsea Clinton.
Joe Cooper That's a tough order, dude.
You'd have a better shot at Bill.
Joe Cooper I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!
Dude!
Joe Cooper Dude!
Dude!
Joe Cooper Dude!
Dude!
Joe Cooper I guess you have a point.
He's flat-lining!
Joe Cooper Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
No! Not those!
Joe Cooper Clear!
Clear!
[takes Joey's pulse]
No pulse!
Joe Cooper Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
10,000 volts!
Joe Cooper Clear!
Clear!
Joe Cooper Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
15,000 volts!
Joe Cooper What does it look like?
An execution?
Joe Cooper Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!
I'm giving you all I've got captain!
Joe Cooper I love ya always have. Heh.
Heh.
Joe Cooper CLEAR!
We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
Joe Cooper I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.
Joe Cooper Hey pig****er, can I call you pig****er?
No, only my friends can call me pig****er.
Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.
Joe Cooper No you don't, you like Taco Bell!
No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.
Joe Cooper Dude, that was a hostel.
I am not going out with his sister!
Joe Cooper Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.
Yeah, ya gotta say totally **** up shit to psych them out.
Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally **** up?
[trying to psych out a player in their very first game]
Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!
Basketball player
[pulls hairs from mouth] [disgusted voice]
Psh... Ohhhh man!
Joe Cooper HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!
Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!
[pulls out more hairs from teeth]
