"I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times and I'm outta here!"
Joe "Coop" Cooper
Trey Parker · 24 quotes
Doug Remer
Matt Stone · 18 quotes
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari
Dian Bachar · 10 quotes
Jenna Reed
Yasmine Bleeth · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Joe "Coop" Cooper & Doug Remer (14), Doug Remer & Kenny "Squeak" Scolari (7), Joe "Coop" Cooper & Kenny "Squeak" Scolari (6)
BASEketball quotes
Page 1 of 3
Bob Costas It's hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only in driveways.
Al Michaels [camera shifts to Beers cheerleaders]
Yes, it's also hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school.
Circulating nurse
This kid's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.
[in song] Your life's spinning out of control, it seems the whole world it's out to get you, but you can't let it bring you down no you've got to fight-eh, CAUSE you try but you can't let gooooo. It's when your down that you gotta get up-a, don't let 'em walk all over your face-eh, stand up for yourself and make everything a-right again. Even when some guy's tryin-a blackmail you, and your girlfriend thinks you suck, it's up to you to let them know that it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan. Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes, you got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip, and those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away unless you start using topical cream everyday .....
Singer: [singing] And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away, unless you use topical cream everyday.
Bob Costas And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
Narrator Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.
Narrator The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.
Bob Costas You're excited? Feel these nipples!
Dan Patrick With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.
So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.
Dan Patrick Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.
Dan Patrick Right,
He's flat-lining!
Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
No! Not those!
Clear!
Clear!
[takes Joey's pulse]
No pulse!
Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
10,000 volts!
Clear!
Clear!
Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
15,000 volts!
What does it look like?
An execution?
Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!
I'm giving you all I've got captain!
I love ya always have. Heh.
Heh.
CLEAR!
Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.
No you don't, you like Taco Bell!
No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.
Dude, that was a hostel.
We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.
Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Dude, that is so ****in' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Yeah I could.
No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
'Cause you're a piece of shit.
I am not a piece of shit!
Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!
Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?
Dale Earnhardt [looks back]
Can I go any faster?
Dale Earnhardt [puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]
HANG ON!
Hey pig****er, can I call you pig****er?
No, only my friends can call me pig****er.
I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!
Dude!
Dude!
Dude!
Dude!
Dude!
I guess you have a point.
Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out your zipper
Yeah, I could
No, dude, you're a little bitch
I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys!
...cause you're a piece of shit
I am not a piece of shit!
Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch
Sure are!
God-damnit man! I swear you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm outta here!
Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally **** me there!
Dude, relax. It was a joke.
Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!
You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.
Hey, you think?
That is low. You son of a bitch.
Why is that low?
Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!
What is something you really want?
Joey
Chelsea Clinton.
That's a tough order, dude.
You'd have a better shot at Bill.