Adam Lerner quotes from 50/50 (2011)

Kyle

Has she been sucking on your dick, giving you blow jobs?

Adam

No, she doesn’t like to.

Kyle

No **** shit she doesn’t like to! Who likes putting dicks in their mouths? That’s why they call them jobs!

Adam

A tumor?

Dr. Ross

Yes.

Adam

Me?

Dr. Ross

Yes.

Adam

That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...

Alan

Want a macaroon?

Adam

Oh, thanks. I’m alright.

Alan

There’s weed in ‘em.

Adam

Oh, yeah, thank you, but I - I don’t do weed.

Alan

C’mon, man. Just get high with us!

Adam

Okay. Thanks.

Mitch

How old are you?

Adam

Twenty-seven.

Alan

That’s just the worst. A perfectly good youth wasted.

Mitch

Alan, stop it. Don’t listen to him, he's just messing with you.

Alan

Listen to me, this cancer is bullshit. First your hair’s going to fall out, then your balls’ll shrink. And if that isn’t enough, your dick becomes a constant source of disappointment.

Adam

I got to tell you, I was really nervous about this whole cancer thing, and then I met you guys, and boy do I feel better.

Alan

I’m Alan Lombardo: stage 3 lymphoma. Pleased to meet you.

Mitch

Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.

Adam

Oh, I’m Adam Lerner, schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.

Alan

Whoa, what the **** is that?

Mitch

Tough break. The more syllables, the worse it is.

Adam

Why didn't we go to a barber?

Kyle

That would have been a good idea -- if we had paid someone to do it.

Adam

Instead of using your balls trimmer-

Kyle

And I never wash them, ever. And it’s not my balls, it’s my asshole....I’m joking...

Adam

You're not joking.

Kyle

Not at all.

Kyle

I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I ran into Rachael.

Adam

Oh, yeah?

Kyle

And I would like to present to you what I am going to call Exhibit...whore!

Kyle

Look at it! That's Rachael! And that's a ****in' filthy, Jesus-looking mother****er, and they're kissing! I did it! I ****in' nailed you! I've hated you for months, and now I have ****in' evidence that you suck as a person! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Adam

Okay... My mom is... I don't know. She's a crazy person. She just worries all day every day. And honestly, it annoys the shit out of me. It's way too much. And it's not helpful, and um, I can’t talk to her. I don't call her back. It's a problem.

Katherine

So she's got this husband who can't talk to her, and this son who won't?

Adam

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Katherine

Makes you kind of a dick.

Adam

Me? [laughs, obviously surprised by her directness] Is that, like, the medical term?

Katherine

Yeah, I mean, listen... You can't change who your parents are. The only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with that.

Adam

Aren’t you supposed to, like, subtly manipulate me into figuring this stuff out? Not just call me on my shit?

Katherine

Yeah, you cleaned my car. So, uh, we are completely beyond that.

Adam

I want this to be over. I’m so **** tired of being sick...if this surgery doesn’t work, that’s it -- [crying] I’ve never been to **** Canada or told a girl I love her...it sounds stupid.

Katherine

No. It doesn’t.

Adam

I’m sorry I was such an asshole.

Katherine

I was the asshole. I was so totally unprepared - for you. This job is really hard. If I **** up, I could ruin someone’s whole life.

Adam

I guess we’re both beginners at this.

Katherine

Yeah.

Adam

What were you doing when I called? Were you on Facebook?

Katherine

You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.

Adam

I wish you were my girlfriend.

Katherine

Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.

Adam

Yeah, but I bet you’d be a good one.