Mike Vogel movie quotes

View Quote Devon: You're like Yoda.
Jack: I know.
Devon: You're like... Sex Yoda.

View Quote Jack: Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Stainer: OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.
Jack: Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.
Kirk: "Anything is possible"?
Devon: Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.
Stainer: Such as?
Devon: Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Jack: Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Stainer: All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
Jack: OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Stainer: They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Jack: Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer: He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.
Devon: What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger?
Stainer: He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a mother****er.
Devon: Wait a second... The Beast.
Stainer: Who?
Devon: The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.
Stainer: OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.
Devon: You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets 'cause I've only been with one girl. It's 'cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.
Stainer: Power of love.
Jack: Very... perfect.
Kirk: Beautiful.
Devon: Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.

View Quote Kirk: Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?
Devon: 'Cause I thought you had.
Kirk: No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
Stainer: A "sticky wicket"?
Kirk: Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
Stainer: And how many times have you called her?
Kirk: Five.
Stainer: And how many times have you really called her?
Kirk: Seventeen.
Stainer: It's done. Tao of Love.
Kirk: What?
Stainer: That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.
Kirk: No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.
Stainer: Tina Jordan does.
Kirk: Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
Stainer: She was my Molly.
Kirk: You never mentioned her.
Stainer: I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, 'cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.
Kirk: That's what that was? You said you had mono.
Stainer: Yeah. Mono of the heart.
Jack: Oh, my God, how's your vagina?
Stainer: Shut up, Jack!

View Quote Beth McIntire is from a whole 'nother planet, bro. I mean, she's beautiful, she's charming. As for you, I mean, I love you and all but let's face it; you're kind of a douche-bag.

View Quote [To Rob, immediately prior to the monster's arrival] You just need to say, 'Forget the world,' and hold on to the people you love most.

View Quote Lily: Rob and Beth slept together.
Hud: Are you serious?
Lily: Yeah, a few weeks ago. Beth made me promise not to say anything. She also slept with Dean from Supernatural!
Jason: Are you kidding me Lily? Rob and Beth sleeping together and your not even going to tell me that?
Hud: Why would't you tell me?
Lily: [long pause] Why wouldn't I tell you?

View Quote Andy: Erin, I'm dead. Please finish it. You can do it.
Erin: I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Andy: Here's a knife. Erin, do it. Do it!
Erin: I can't do it.
Andy: Do it! Do it! Do it!
Erin: Please forgive me... Please forgive me.

View Quote [Opens in an old footage of a crime scene in Texas.]
Narrator: The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of 5 youths. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected, nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. For them, an idyllic summer afternoon became a nightmare.
[shifts to the present police department gathering evidences from the Hewitt residence.]
Narrator: For 30 years, the files collected dust in the cold-cases division of the Travis County Police Department. Over 1,300 pieces of evidence were collected from the crime scene at the Hewitt residence. Yet none of the evidence was more compelling than the classified police footage of the crime-scene walk-through.
[shifts to the old walk-through of the Hewitt residence.]
Officer Adams: [testing his microphone] Test test test... Okay, uh, this is, uh, August 20th, 1973. The time is, uh, 3:47 P.M. Our location is the Hewitt residence on Route 17; it's where victim one was found. We're gonna do a walk-through, and we're now descending the stairs into the furnace room... uh... [shows a scratch mark on the wall] There's - over here - there's scratch marks along the wall.
[Adams shows another scratch mark on the other wall]
Officer Adams: There's some more over here, right over here and oh, there's something over here. [touches a bundle of hair and a fingernail pinned on the wall] Seems... Looks like a clot of hair and an embedded fingernail. All right, we're gonna go move into the actual furnace room.
[Adams descend to the basement.]
Narrator: The events of that day were to lead to one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
<hr-width="50%"> [While they are driving through Texas, Erin starts singing "Sweet Home Alabama".]
Morgan: Would anybody please make her stop singing?
[Erin keeps singing.]
Kemper: I think you got a beautiful voice, baby.
Erin: Thank you.
[Morgan laughs, Kemper looks at the rear view mirror, seeing Pepper and Andy kissing, and he nods.]
<hr-width="50%"> [While Pepper and Andy are kissing each other.]
Pepper: Can you believe? We didn't even know each other yesterday.
Andy: I know. It's just amazing.
[Pepper and Andy continue kissing each other.]
Morgan: You know what's even more amazing? Hello? [Pepper and Andy keeps kissing.] Hello? What are you, like at a pause or half-time?
[Pepper and Andy turns to Morgan.]
Morgan: Okay, The fact that Americans each day are infected with a sexually-transmitted disease, and two-thirds of them are just about your age.
[Pepper and Andy doesn't know the answer.; Erin laughs.; Andy flips off Morgan.; Morgan smiles]
Kemper: Hey, Morgan. How are you the expert on the dumbest shit?
<hr-width="50%"> [Pepper blows bubbles at Morgan. as Andy keeps kissing Pepper.]
Pepper: What are the odds of you guys passing through "El Paso", just as i started to hitch? I mean, it's like synchronicity.
[Erin and Morgan stare each other.]
Pepper: [frantically.] It's like I.S.D. It's like this shit does not just happen. [Pepper turns to Andy and kisses each other.]
[Erin checks on the cassette box.]
Erin: Oh, baby, They got to play "free bird."
Kemper: Oh, they have to. We paid a fortune for these tickets.
Andy: Hey yo Kemp, can you do something about the A.C. Back here? I'm melting.
[Kemper jams on the fan, but doesn't work.]
Kemper: No.
[Morgan laughs.]
Kemper: But if you or Pepper get too hot, You could always take your clothes off.
[Pepper, Andy and Morgan laughs.]
Andy: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Erin: You are such a perv. [turns to Pepper.] Don't listen to him, Pepper.
Pepper: Why not? I think he's funny.
Erin: [turns to Kemper.] She's only known you for 19 hours. [turns back to Pepper.] I've lived with him for 3 years. And trust me, He is not funny!

View Quote Sheriff Hoyt: I bet she's real unhappy, real sorry that you're getting ****in' her blood all over your goddamn arm. You know, back when I was a young patrolman, I used to love wrapping up these young honies.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you did.
Sheriff Hoyt: Yeah, cop me a little bit of a feel every now and then, you know. Oh, look at that. She's kind of wet down there. What you boys been doing with this dead body anyway?
Andy: Can we please finish this?